open hearts

Well...I now call California home once more. It has been interesting adjusting to the different culture, climate, and crap. I found myself stumbling and unsure of my decision to switch coasts. All of the things I had missed about California were forgotten, and all of the things I had complained about in Philadelphia were now sought after treasures that I desired to have in my life. It is funny how I do that. Idealize different places, situations, and people. At least I am aware that I do that and can now take a step back and try and focus on the reality of things. There are great things about both places. Things that I treasure in the deepest places of my heart, lessons that I have learned, and relationships that I will never let go of. I do not regret either decision. I am glad I went and am now glad to be back. I know that I am different...as I will be next week. I change all the time, we all do, but I know that a big change happened living across the country. Experiencing a new life, new struggles, new joys. I love that. I thank God for all of the brothers and sisters I know and have yet to meet. I registered for classes the other day. It was stressful and overwhelming, only because I let it be, but I feel so good that it is done now. I will be going full time and taking back classes that I will need later to transfer. Math, Psych, Nutr, and an Illustrator class. It will be a pretty crazy life but I feel that this is the first time I could handle such a load, and even look forward to it. I will try and get a job part time...perhaps at a coffee shop or at tjs working nights. For now I am at home but hopefully will be in AG and closer to everything that I am doing. Elisha is doing well. Our relationship has been much better being back. I am less stressed out and feel much more able to focus positive attention on him. It has been nice for him to also have his own room and have more space in general. We are often outside running around in backyards or out at the beach rolling in sand. I feel so free and alive being outdoors with the cool coastal wind dancing at my feet. I sometimes have moments where all I want is to be back in Philly with my family their. To be sitting outside in the hot sticky weather and wait with anticipation for the night to arrive. It is so strange to now have two homes. I have had to learn what it is like to miss people on the west and now on the east. I really will try and come out in the Fall. I would love to see the trees change color and visit with you dear friends again. As soon as I have a break from school I will try and venture out. I welcome any of you to come and visit me...although I may be a bit busy.

new thought: I am sitting at one of my closest friends house and just read a message that made me think quite a bit about friends... I realized how easy it is for me to take my friendships with people for granted. Especially when it is someone that I am extremely comfortable with and have known for a long time. Lately I treat the people that I am supposed to be the closest with with very little care. I have less patience and love. I speak with a sharp tongue and a very bratty attitude. It is how you would see sisters acting...(at least how I think sisters act). anywho...I just realized how completely amazing that is. I sat and thought about how much I love my friends. How important they are to me, how lacking my life would be without them, and how much I missed their presence when they were away from me. Life is so short. Time is so precious. Things that I know but forget. I want to make sure that I actively love the people that I love. To treasure them and reflect on how beautiful God has made them.To rejoice in their, and our, differences in ideas and personalities. I want to consider my words and actions and strive to put others before myself. I want to lay down my life for my brothers and sisters.

I guess im a bit emotional.

I miss you in Philly and I look forward to seeing those in CA that I have yet to spend time with.

G-D Bless.

it always depends on the when the train is coming

i dont know if you know what you did. hes saying things he never said and it scares her everyday. hes growing, changing, learning and its getting to be a bit much. you see, i think he knows,...he knows. he asked about him once or twice. he called the other children's his. it scares her because what if hes always alone. alone like she was alone. if he knows the feeling of rejection. if he feels the absence of the strong hand leading him. her hand had always been too small, too frail, too shaky. she trembles as she guides. too gently or too harsh...always trying to find the middle ground. there is no such reality for her now. she must nuture and discipline. be patient and firm. she is everything to him and its becoming too much. we watch her moves very closely now. whispering at her mistakes, praising her for her sacrifice. we have put her on a high stool and there we keep her high. she must never get too close to us. she is a foreigner in this land. we admire her as a Saint, but we are no Saints and therefor can only get so close.do.

the apricot is killing me

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time
I find myself in a place that I never been
A place that I thought that I could never be
There’s people looking back at me

I keep having this dream; I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming telling me that I don’t belong
Lately life’s been the same I find this comfortable place
With all my friends then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

There was a time I could move there was a time I could breathe
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces
It didn’t once cross my mind
With paranoia on my heels; Will you love me still
when we awake and see that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna to think,
Well I’m worried too
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to

-the avett brothers

dizang.

i made a few mistakes yesterday...im wondering if ill be able to let them go.

you stood beside a burning bush

of course he changed my mind
in the blink of an eye my life changes
this has been the only constant i know
i know nothing and expect everything
my plate is never empty
this is even better than my plan...
his plan is so good
i got my first real job
exactly what i wanted but with surprises overflowing
i am working for a jewish woman who is a parapalegic
i will be cooking (organic yum yums), cleaning (chemicalfree), and helping her get the house ready to sell...
she wants to move to ashville nc...there is so much to say about this woman, her son, and how blessed I am.

I will be going, anyways.

there...and everywhere.

you cant make everybody happy all of the time

a new wind is blowing
my heart, mind, and feet are stirring
discontent has set in and I cant change the course
figuring out what this all means
the possibilities are endless
this is my life and I wont stay tied down
this is not my home, anyways.
no land will I try to keep
I will take nothing and leave the same
set me free...

can it work?

I sure hope so...I am going, anyways.

love was someone that you loved to find

loving has been waiting patient and kind
just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign
at the one that she cares for, whos out of his mind
will make it back safe to her arms

hate stumbles forward and leans in the door
weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
he says, "love im sorry" and she says, "what for?"
"im yours and thats it, whatever"
i should not have been gone for so long
"im yours and thats it, forever'

the avett brothers...my favorite right now, eh.

I quit johnny brendas and i am very happy about it.

life is great.

trusting the Lord...he is providing

enjoying good friends.

ive seen the most beautiful sights and felt great peace

i was dancing around a garden in the rain with thunder and lightning roaring over our heads. i layed in the long grass and smiled.

i feel new.

well

sometimes I get so fed up with people. I think my expectations are too high for situations and people in them. I am constantly second guessing and doubting. When will I be content? More and more my idea sounds good... I know I will be frustrated there, here, or on the moon. What is wrong with me? I guess I need to give up the need to feel content. I need to learn to deal with how im feeling with a more positive attitude. I need some freaking help with my brain.

a few thoughts

i love dan platt. he did the sweetest thing i have ever seen the other day. Randomly brought over lunch and a fresh fruit place, it was amazing. So sweet.

Philly has been great. Things are great. Everything is great...however, there is something, somewhere in California that is very tempting to me. I could easily see myself going there...its a secret location and its a crazy idea.

Oh, Crap.

i love her. truly, dearly, deeply

so what if im obsessed?















A tribute to my bestfriend. Brought on by talks of life partners and other best friends...I want to have a friend ceremony (its kind of like a wedding ceremony, but way better!) you may all find this to be ridiculous. but its my dang blog and I love pictures.

in my little world

I guess I said too much...but I often have that problem. I start typing what I'm thinking and dont really take the time to step outside of it and consider what I'm actually saying to other people. Eh? It was less aimed towards any of you and more towards my own failures, frustrations with self, with my greed, and things that I made into idols. I don't think that those things are inherently bad...but, like most things, we can make a simple object into a God. Its silly how much this got built up today...I was so nervous and a knot in my stomach...Worrying that I upset people and stepped on toes. I had too long of a conversation last night was some amazing girls to be too worried though. I would rather step on toes then sit back and say nothing. And by all means I invite you to cut my feet off...let me know what you think. This is how Im learning. I am challeneged and questioned and it makes me vulnerable. Its easy for me to get defensive and angry. I have to take a moment and see what they were saying, find the love, and realize that the truth is hard to take. I am trying to figure this out...I just want to be sharing it with you all. Here and there. Getting your feedback and giving mine. I am changing, growing, and learning a ton. A lot about myself and a lot about community. This is so random and I should probably stop letting my fingers get ahead of my thoughts but this is me and its silly. I have decided to stop looking for a nanny job. I have nannied for a few families but nothing permanent and I have just been frustrated with not finding a permanent family. So...I cried and was frustrated, wondering why I was here, wondering what I am doing and how Im going to live and support Elisha...I woke up the next morning and was finally excited to have something I want to do. I am going to try and get a job as a companion/caregiver/home advisor with an elderly home or with mentally disabled adults....I am honestly excited about this. Praise the Lord! So many people are coming from CA in two weeks for lindseys wedding... I cant wait.

confirmed.

I am going to make a Covenant tomorrow with Circle of Hope. I am a bit nervous and awkward with speaking in public so I am going to write out a bit of how I feel first. I also want to talk about some of the amazing things that have been going on in my life recently.
I moved to Philadelphia for a number of reasons. To get outside of my comfort zone, experience life, get away from some crap, and to be a part of the community at Circle. I had visited Danielle on two separate occasions. After the first visit I felt that I needed to go back right away and as soon as I returned home purchased a ticket back for the next month. Something caught my heart when I was here. Outside of my safety and comfort of slow paced California life was this scary, unpredictable, and out of control environment. I hated it here at first...walking down streets cluttered with trash, coming from a place where I rarely saw a person of African-American decent (even though Elisha is half), not having the comforts of my car, continually feeling lost and afraid. I remember the moment God changed my heart. I was sitting on a bus that had somehow got stuck trying to turn a corner. The bus was packed with people who were very irritated that it was taking so long to fix the problem. I think we may have been there about an hour. One of the first things I noticed about people in Philadelphia is that they speak their minds and speak it loudly. I sat squished next to Karen trying to entertain Gideon so that the people all around us would not stone us (I think they wanted to.) After a few minutes the stress and agitation of being stuck in a bus wore off and I began to see the people I was sitting with. I began to see with new eyes. I saw beautiful old women speaking in Chinese. I loved their fragile, petite figures and the care they took in trying to look beautiful. I saw the young mother trying to contain her two children. I saw her patience and struggle and I felt deeply for her. I saw the elderly Black woman in front of my with her Bible open on her lap. I saw her annoyance with the noise that Gideon was making and the remarks she made to her friend...the lack of patience she had. I saw all of these people and I took them into my heart. I was sold. After that moment I began to take everything in. I breathed differently...and then coughed on the smoke. Instead of missing the cleanliness of home, the clear skies, and on-going ocean, I looked at the buildings and wanted to know the history. I looked at the people and wanted to know their stories. I wanted to know who all was affected by the mass amounts of vacant warehouses, broken-down houses, what had happened and what could be fixed. So when I got back to California I was not filled with joy at the sight of the ocean. I was not filled with joy at the fancy cars filled with white, middle-class, americans who never thought about anyone else. I came back for the week of thanksgiving. It was then that I knew I would live here. There was so much to do here. So much to be a part of, and the fantastic thing was there were so many people who wanted me to be a part of it with them. I think that was one of the biggest shockers for me. I feel like a large group of people in California, I will not say all because I also know amazing people with genuine hearts, but a large group who were not at all welcoming. These, it should be noted, were Christian groups. They, at least to me, were very snobbish. Very absorbed in their own lives, and if they choose to get involved in others lives it was that which they read about in People magazine. They consumed at great amounts clothes, i pods, cars, and all of these possessions left me wanting. Sometimes I wanted what they had, but a lot of the time I wanted people who cared about more. To have people that accepted ideas and movements from people like the Psalters and didn't run around trying to get them out of the building before they said one more thing that didn't go along with their political beliefs and say it was a spiritual matter. I wanted to be part of a community that longed for peace and is active in pursing in it. People that care about cleaning up a block and serving their neighbors in tangible ways. People who wanted to live out what Jesus showed us in the Bible. There were months when I would be inspired and try to get together with others, times when I would read "The Irresistible Revolution," or a biography on Mother T, or watch "Brother Sun, Sister Moon." I would feel a fire inside and I longed to be in a community that shared in this passion of giving, caring, and loving. I don't think that the groups of people I used to live with didn't want these things, I just don't think they ever saw a way or reason to actively change their lives for them. When I was here I would hear about people and would be nervous to meet them. I assumed they were like the people who were "so cool and in" in California and would be cold and uninterested. Surprisingly that never happened. I met dozens of people who were genuinely interested in my life and story. This touched a place in me that wanted to be met. I mentioned the idea of me moving here to people and they were overjoyed. I could not figure out why these perfect strangers would care to want me and Elisha to come and be a part of them. They loved me, welcomed me, talked to me, and a few months ago I moved here to be a part of them and have them be a part of me. I guess I wanted to make a Covenant from the beginning. To express my hearts longing to be a part of them and them a part of me. To move with them in their vision to live a life like Jesus and love and transform the world with this love. I guess its as simple as that.

As I was reading tonight about making a Covenant I came across some scripture that agreed and pushed me farther along in my feelings of a few days ago.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have again one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."
Colossians 3 13-15

I read this, and a few similar, and completely let go of the bitterness and hurt I was holding. Tomorrow I am making a Covenant with the community and peoples at Circle and I am going to do so holding nothing against another part of the body. I am ready to lay down my life for my brothers and sisters, forgive them as they forgive me, grow with them, love the, and move forward with them in Loving Christ our Saviour.

I am joining a group of people who have ideas and feelings such as this. http://acircleofhope.wordpress.com/chapter-1-the-safe-place/

I did not write any of this to say that I wasn't loved or welcomed at the churches I was a part of in California. I love them and am thankful for the relationships and growth I had with them. I hope those of you can rejoice with me in this new season and new family I am committing myself to.

...and we're off

Amazing. I woke up this morning (at 6am, Elisha's new wake up time) and fumbled around the house, making breakfast and waking myself up. While Elisha was eating I began to read the days devotional from My Utmost for His Highest. It was a bit vague and at first I had no idea what he was talking about. But as I reread the text something hit me. It spoke to me clearly. We don't always feel God's presence in the same way. There are times when he pulls away and its easy for us to pull away also. Just like it is easy for me to feel inspired when He has spoken very clearly and audibly to me. No matter how I feel I must continue to press into him. Continue to read, pray, and seek after Him. There is so much that hit me this morning and I feel so peaceful. Another wonderful event took place...After a few hours of being awake I shut my door and let Elisha play in the room while I tried to sleep. Melissa knocked on my door and took Elisha from me so that I could sleep. This seemingly simple act broke my heart. It was such a beautiful and tangible act of love and it reminded me so much of California and the Wahls. I am once again inspired to take steps outside of myself and look for way to help and bless my brothers and sisters. While sleeping I had a dream that led me to forgive and move past some recent hurt. It was a very simple very short dream but it, like everything else this morning, opened my eyes to a new way of looking at life. I am in this community and so glad to be here. I have been forgiven and will also choose to forgive and take steps in loving others, even when mistakes are made and hearts are hurt. I am wide away today.

in time memories fade

somethings gone wrong inside. a loss of control has brought upon an uncontrolable wave of emotions. no reasoning. i cant process. i dont see myself how i want to be anymore. weak, unsure, defeated, lost. what just happened? hope has faded into despair and i know i just need to change my heart and change my mind. i cant force it anymore. i am confused as hell and wondering where you went. perhaps we need to go through these moments but i have travelled so far from the rock you gave me. so far from the security and ive found myself in the middle of the ocean on that small piece of earth. i am quickly consumed and overtaken and as on that day i feel i am being sucked down to the depths. Where is my rock? i am consumed. perhaps my only real enemy is myself. the quiet voices are sometimes that most overpowering. am i so far gone that ive forgotten the difference between truth and lies? i feel something has gone wrong and the path back is blocked or disguised. if this is the season and this is right i will need something else because its too hard. the constant feeling of failing as a mother, as a christian, as a person. I am failing myself. Ruining everything when everythings fine. this may seem insane but its either this or its getting locked inside and i will die. i cant call the west coast. hopefully this ill let myself soon but i feel so stuck. i dont want to go back and i dont want to be here. Heaven. Id like to be so much closer to you. To see you and feel and know your holding my hand.

Psalm 88.
O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put my in the lowest pit,
in the darest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, O Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are you wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, O Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death.
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long the surround me like a flood,
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me,
the darkness is my closest friend.




...hopefully this is over soon.

i went for a walk

so I have been home a few days now and adjusting to life in Philadelphia again. Had a hard first day back but I am glad it happened. It got me over a lot of things that I really should never have been into to start with. I also have just been amazed at how many people I love in the city. Since I got back I have just been overwhelmed with the love that my new friends have for me and I for them. I feel even more a part of this community than I did when I left. Hopefully everything else will smooth itself out sooner rather than later. I also am excited because I made friends with neighbors. Micah, Damien, Noah, and Eric. The first two live a block up and the second a few houses down. I hung out with them the first night I got back and have been visiting with them since. It is so nice to have so many amazing people in such close range to visit and connect with. Elisha has been especially cute these last few days. I got off the phone today with my friend Josh and as I said goodbye he started to say Josh, Josh. So I dialed the number and Elisha called him back and held a pretty good conversation. Even after it ended he still picked up the phone and said, "Josh, how are you?" Basically one of the cutest things in the world. I feel like I am having one of those times again when I haven't been calling California as much. It is too hard to come back and talk everyday...I miss you guys so much. I miss my beautiful little nieces. My dear friends and the wisdom and beauty the shower upon me. I miss my family...the large and small. However, I am still so glad and confident in my decision to move here. I have had many emails and voicemails from people about being a nanny. I am meeting with a family tomorrow and have a few different things going on...so I am pretty excited to start working. I also found a senior citizen home nearby and a childrens hospital so I am going to be looking in to volunteering at one or both. I am still amazed that people can have so many personalites. Can be amazing and kind one day and the next cold and uncaring. I guess we all have that in us. Ive felt like I knew so much about people and how they work...I am still learning. We will always get hurt and will always hurt someone else...It sucks a little bit more when someone (who is supposed to care about you) does and acts a certain way that they know will hurt you as opposed to someone who has no clue, but whatever. We can choose to isolate ourselves because of these past hurts and live alone too afraid to be vulnerable with someone else, or we can forgive those who have hurt us and take steps towards loving each other and showing each other compassion for the mistakes we have all made. Ive never been treated so shitty by a person, well I can think of two others, but not in the same way...it just makes me think, why are christian dudes supposed to be better than all the other regular joes out there? the great "christian" men are the ones that have screwed with me more than guys that just made out and left. At least the dudes without faith didnt belive that they were supposed to treat people with kindness and love.they didnt try to convince you that you were important to them and that they were trustworthy. anyways...this is a long random blog that got a little bit bitter at the end but hopefully no one reads it. I really am doing fantastic. Ive had a great past few days and am hopeful and excited for my future here.

ps. dan platt, would you like to have dinner soon?

Dear G-d, have mercy on me.

unashamed to call you his own

I am officialy home. Home #2. California was wonderful. Spring time on the west is amazing. Green rolling hills with wild mustard flowers and the ocean to the right with a beautiful sun smiling down on you. It was great to see my family. Elisha especially enjoyed the visit. It is the first time in a few months that he has played with other little boys. At the end it was a bit hard to leave it all behind. Anyways...I am here now. Ready to re-adjust and having a bit of a hard time.

there are two items in my trash can that make me want to vomit.
i guess i learned a lesson.


I am trying to dig out the love in my heart. Trying to find some forgiveness and grace. It isn't really there..luckily I have Danielle to remind me.

the simple story that you told me is a little different from what showed me

Well. If you were curious as to why you weren't informed of my trip to California there is good reason. I, too, was not informed. Monday my mother called and Tuesday night I was shipped off. It sounds pretty simple but in actuality I had a bit of a breakdown about it. Trying to figure out if I was going to regret coming or regret staying. Trying to weigh the importance of the events for the weekend...In the end I cancelled the ticket and then re-bought it in the morning. I am actually very glad I came if for no reason other than the amazing plane ride I had. A large reason I was stressed out about coming was taking Elisha on a plane. Taking a toddler on a 6 hour plus plane ride is never a fun experience. I was seated in the back of the plane on the aisle. Two seats were next to me with a woman in her 30's near the window and a man in the middle who looked to be in his 20's. This man looked like someone I might be friends with...he sat next to me and read an article about dr. dog in a filter magazine. I tried to entertain Elisha with books and finally got my ipod out for him to listen to some jams. The man asked me if he ever requested music to look at. "no, he doesnt, but he is listening to sunny day real estate right now and seems into that." The man smiled obviously happy with Elisha's music choice. This started what would later become a 4 hour conversation. This man, Chad, 30 years old, was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We talked about God, church, community, music and how hardcore and emo just aren't the same as back in the day...(i had some idea of back in the day and could relate) we talked about children (he worked with children that had behavior problems) and how he was in love with them, we talked about Elisha dad, if I dated (he couldn't understand why a guy would be afraid of a woman with a child), we talked about school (his major was something in religious and spiritual something or another...he also spent a semester at sea which allowed him to visit around a dozen countries, after school he moved to new zealand and worked on organic farms and explored), we talked about some extremely personal stuff but it didn't seem strange at all. the lady near the window was a sweetheart and would take elisha from me and let him stare at the window for an extended period of time. I sat in amazement of how wonderful this plane ride was. Chad now has my email...he is from south jersey and moved to LA so when he comes back I told him I'd take him to circle with me. I hope he emails, if not it may be for the better, I shared such a beautiful period of time with this man. I would have married him if he asked. We sat on the plane in the end...Elisha fell asleep with his legs across me and hed leaning on Chad's arm. The sun shined in on us and Chad played with Elisha's hair. I felt like I was traveling somewhere mystical with my family by my side. The second plane ride for SLC to SB was also pretty amazing...a tiny plane and the seat next to us was vacant. We both slept and when I woke up we were there.

I am now in my mother house. I saw my beautiful little niece for the first time. How are infants really that small? I saw Eva, my house, the place I had missed so desperately. I think this was a perfect time for me to come. When I got here I wished I was home. Home in Philadelphia. I am glad to be here, the weather is perfect and it is nice to take a break and relax. But I really felt, for the first time, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in the 2020 house.

I am excited for my weekend here...I have mass amounts of plans with mass amounts of people and I cannot wait to see all of the beautiful faces that I left behind.

I am also a tad bit hurt and am trying my best to put it away. I am trying to get numbers out of my head. 1 year, 2 1/2, one week. These all weigh heavily upon my heart. Trying to figure out when I became so weak. When I thought it was a good idea to learn how to let you teach me how to breathe. I wish you would have left me alone with my innocence, my fear, my self. In the end it didn't matter that we talked about it so much...because you aren't talking now and I wish you would just tell me to get over it.

I started a cleansing detox yesterday...the things that just came out of my body, you dont want to know.

What am I doing?

like brothers in a hotel bed.

I deleted that. It was a bit too emotional. I learned a new word today thanks to Jesse K and i figured it replaced everything I had written and felt. Saudade.

thats all.

I might fly home this month ... if so Id fly into LA...anyone wanna pick me up?

Happy Birthday Cori Carter, welcome to the world! My sister had her second beautiful baby girl this afternoon. I cried when I saw her picture...it was so hard waiting for the picture to load via text message and not feel very torn about not being there. my first sight of my neice was over the phone...oh well, at least we have the technology that allows me to see her across the country.

I have been trying to explain to Elisha that the baby in my sisters stomach is now born. He is now convinced that I have a baby in my stomach and will not stop touching and kissing it.

i want to be in control of nothing. ill take things as they come and let them leave just as easily.

im not bothered by your opinions or judgements. im at least happy with myself, are you?

if you wanna call me darling, thats just fine.

Today is so beautiful. There is something about sunny days that makes everything better.

I have been so happy because we have new kitchen appliances and do dads. I cannot wait to make and bake so many treats..

When I said I would try and come home next month I meant for only a week...just to be clear.

The status changed back.

Like Elisha, I am learning to have patience and self-control.

Its not always fun or easy...but dang, its gotta be good for something.

perhaps

i feel that this may be a waste of time...many of you who want to check up on me do so via myspace.

if there are a few left who dont do myspace i apologize....

i think the only major news is the status change.

also...im looking at tickets to go home next month.
MAYBE

beautiful little city.

lets see. I had a dinner party at my house friday night and while getting ready for it knocked my computer off the kitchen table. I now have a broken computer but luckily purchased a very expensive protection plan so it will be fixed. i have some pretty pictures on my camera that i wish i could post but it will have to wait.

i went to the simple way the other night to watch "the road to guantanamo". I suggest netflixing it, its pretty intense. after watching it we talked about it for a long time about it. it blows my mind that things and places like guantanmo exist. that humans can torture each other and justify it in their hearts or minds. there are so many people still there...starved, beaten, humiliated, tortured humans. just like you and i. we send off our soldiers one by one so proud that they are serving our country...but all i could think of is what it would be like to be one of them. to spend months or years treating people like animals and then go home to your family and forget all about it. what would you say when your mother, wife, daughter asked you what you did all that time? would you lie, would you tell them honestly all of the ways you stripped a man of his humanity because he "may" have been involved in a killing, but he also may have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. how do soldiers do it? they are trained, brainwashed, to kill and when they have enough marks on their belt and thrown back into society and expected to lead normal lives. i dont get it. more than anything it breaks my heart for them. in taking others humanity they themselves are losing theirs. breaking a person breaks more than just the person.

i love walking around the city. i went on quite a long adventure yesterday with the "girls" and was so amazed at how much ive grown to love philadelphia. the more im here the more i appreciate little things. i love walking down new streets and finding hidden treasures...buildings that are falling apart, secret gardens, vacant lots with new grass growing....these things are so beautiful to me. speaking of beautiful treasures, there is a glorious yellow daffodil growing in my backyard. there are quite a few that will bloom soon but this is the first and stands alone in the midst of the thorns and mess. every morning i go to my kitchen window and look outside. there i see it smiling back at me, promising me that spring is indeed here. im looking forward to gardening and be outdoors. i also feel like this is going to be my first easter doing things on my own. making new traditions and experiences for elisha and our little family.

i went to the 700 club last night with the "girls" to go dancing. horray for dancing, horray for friends.

i went grocery shopping today with kate. we walked to the store a mile or so away. when we left a felt something very new. we had the stroller loaded up with groceries, a backpack full of them, and a few bags we filled to the brim. as we started for home, walking our groceries i had an image of home flash through my mind. i was reminded of all the mexican, low income families, that lived in santa maria that i would daily see carrying large bags of groceries down the street. i would have never thought i would look like that...i have always had a car and things of luxury. things like this that i never really appreciated, because i never knew what it was like to be without. so there i was walking the long walk home feeling completely exposed and very humbled. it was one of the most amazing feelings i have experienced. its hard to really explain it but i am thankful. i am so thankful. once again i find philadelphia teaching me so much about myself and bringing me to a place of nothingness.


i wish that it was always me making the effort. id like to have someone else come to me with something they had to take time to think about and plan out. i think im going to stop for a while. stop planning and thinking and putting my heart into so much...sometimes id like to have it go the other way. but ill leave that alone because i dont want to go any further.


im happy. im also reading rob bell's new book...and i like it. so if anyone wants to borrow it when im done id be more than happy to lend it out.

the day to day.

elisha in maruke's clothes...a bit weird.

she is totally touching his butt

roommate

youre a stumbling block to america

i just wrote so much and then deleted it.
nothing seems right.

it snowed this weekened. i got stuck in a house...luckily it was with people i love.

how did this happen?

spring flowers

Everything is making Elisha cry right now. We are getting closer to 2 and the fits are showing it. God, give me patience. At the moment he is crying because I took a box of tissues away from him...his face is very pathetic.

I am currently listening to the Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack...so good.

I feel like I have been a very bad friend to California. I apologize for not calling. The first few weeks were very hard and I wanted to come back. That time of being still and having nothing to do is rapidly passing me by. I am finding myself busy and having less and less alone time. I need to make a point in my day to sit and read and take a breather. Its amazing to me how fast that happened. Last night was the first night in a week that I have gone to bed before 12. I have enjoyed all of the conversations and visits I have had late at night, I just need to learn when it is too much.

The weather has been amazing all weekend. Saturday Lois called me to ask if I wanted to go to the park with her or if I wanted her to take Elisha. I was so confused by what she was saying that I had to have it repeated 3 times. Eventually I realized she was offering to take Elisha for a few hours so I could have a break. It blew my mind. It wasn't just that she was going to babysit, it was that she thought about me. She cared enough about me to think, "oh Brandi hasn't gotten anytime away from Elisha since shes been here (in the day) why don't we take him with us for a few hours so she can have a break." I dont know if those were her thoughts exactly but it was probably the sweetest and kindest thing that has happened to me since being here. So, thanks so much Jesse and Lois. I am so glad that you are my friends and I love your family.

I hope I could do that one day. Take a second to think about somebody else other than myself and move on it. It is so easy for me to look at myself and feel pity. I know Lois gets tired being pregnant and having Maruke all day, I know she wants a break. I would like to care enough to consider these things when I am wondering what to do during the day. To offer to love her by serving her. To offer love to anyone by laying down what I would want to do, forgetting all of my needs and wants, and seeing what I could do for them. I think the only time I have ever loved anyone with my service is when I was trying to get them to fall in love with me. At least I can realize these things and make a change.

Saturday night I watched the Grace's kids. I am madly in love with Lily and Helena. They are probably some of the cutest and funniest girls I have ever seen. I had so much fun playing with them.

I went to NJ on sunday with Kate. She had to go "home" to do something for her old church and I decided to come along. It was beautiful day. The town was amazing. I loved the old brick homes and the trees that lined the streets on both sides. It was nice to be out in the suburbs...I guess since I am from them it just feels more like home to me. It was nice to walk down clean sidewalks, play in clean parks, and feel so safe and fuzzy. I would not want to live here but I am glad that I can from time to time step outside of the city to experience this.

I have been house sitting this weekend for the people I babysat for. They have an amazing house so it has been very fun to hang out there.

I was able to hang out with Ellen and Kate a bit this weekend (two housemates) and get to know them a bit more. I love them and am so glad that we live together. I was able to talk with them about Africa, Ellen is going there next year and Kate wants to go. It reminded me of the desire and heart that I too have for Africa. It reminded me that I want to go there and, that in moving here, I am that much closer to going. I have had some of the most amazing conversations with people this past week. I can feel myself feeling more at home. I am making new relationships that I am so excited about and treasure so much. All the things that I feared in the first few weeks are starting to disappear and my happiness is returning, Praise the Lord.

I realized last night I hadn't been spending alone time with God. I hadn't been reading or praying...I also realized I wasn't guarding my heart, just in little things, but I really need to keep my communication with God at the top of my priorities.

I miss you. I am so sorry that I haven't kept in touch. I feel like a horrible friend...and I plan on trying harder. I love you.

I dream a highway back to you

some pictures from the last couple of days.
I changed this so many times that I had to at least do something. All I can say ...is I'm happy. So theres that. At the moment I am so tired and so cold and I cant seem to fix either problem.

Saturday we went to Rittenhouse and hung out downtown a bit.

a heart of flesh

A beautiful day, an ugly morning. A tearful journey and I made it through. Its true that it was all one day...it seems like a week. Things are picking up. A walk downtown. So many new people. Ellen moved in. Guests over for dinner. So many new people. I left Elisha for the first time last night...Went to Sarah's party. I didn't want to go because I wouldn't know anyone...but how will I meet these people if I dont go. I actually knew most. I had more fun than I could have possibly imagined. Had girl circles and fell in love with the ladies. Was finally persuaded to dance...oh my goodness. I am at least glad that by the time the dancing hit its peak (for me)most people had left. Went to a bar with the girls and hung out there for a while. Came home and semi watched a movie. Daniel came over, kate got home, we ended up talking until 3 am. Breakfast this morning.

Elisha is quite in love with Daniel. I am constantly amazed at how good Elisha is at making people fall in love with him. Im glad that I dont get moved by men loving Elisha anymore. Maybe my heart is a little harder.. Im thankful for the people that come into our lives. That love him and help shape him into the beautiful boy he is. Everything will be just fine.

Talking with Daniel and Kate was so good last night. I related to so much of what he was saying and in his suffering had light shed on mine. Its so funny how that works out. Its just so good to know that there is Grace. To live fully present and realize that this, right now, is reality. The past is gone and tomorrow has yet to come. Lets just get through today.

sirens, raindrops, and thunder!

i miss smiling like this though

i just watched the truth about cats and dogs with my roomies and I think we all screamed and closed our eyes at least 3 times. Its so gross, never watch it..

Anyways...I have a rash on my hands and just discovered its also on my arms and a bit on my face. What the heck!!!!!:?

I just swallowed bubble gum benydryl? and am going to vomit.

whats wrong with my skin?

its raining outside. i just heard my first philadelphia thunder...it was so powerful. the rain sounds like it did at the warehouse. every few seconds i hear the sound of car tires racing through the water. it will be a noisy night of sleeping...luckily elisha and i are both drugged with bubble gum

i have done so many of these stupid blogs tonight...and not because im bored, i had a fabulous day.

way too cute

so there are a bunch of pictures of me because....Elisha took them! He has been obsessed with picutres lately so I sat him on the couch and showed him how to hold the camera and push the button. These are what came out...and a lot more of my legs only.

it looks like i wet my pants?

hot stuff.

these are so cute to me. Claudia gave him this tiger. He got up in his little rocker and sang to it and kissed it.