confirmed.

I am going to make a Covenant tomorrow with Circle of Hope. I am a bit nervous and awkward with speaking in public so I am going to write out a bit of how I feel first. I also want to talk about some of the amazing things that have been going on in my life recently.
I moved to Philadelphia for a number of reasons. To get outside of my comfort zone, experience life, get away from some crap, and to be a part of the community at Circle. I had visited Danielle on two separate occasions. After the first visit I felt that I needed to go back right away and as soon as I returned home purchased a ticket back for the next month. Something caught my heart when I was here. Outside of my safety and comfort of slow paced California life was this scary, unpredictable, and out of control environment. I hated it here at first...walking down streets cluttered with trash, coming from a place where I rarely saw a person of African-American decent (even though Elisha is half), not having the comforts of my car, continually feeling lost and afraid. I remember the moment God changed my heart. I was sitting on a bus that had somehow got stuck trying to turn a corner. The bus was packed with people who were very irritated that it was taking so long to fix the problem. I think we may have been there about an hour. One of the first things I noticed about people in Philadelphia is that they speak their minds and speak it loudly. I sat squished next to Karen trying to entertain Gideon so that the people all around us would not stone us (I think they wanted to.) After a few minutes the stress and agitation of being stuck in a bus wore off and I began to see the people I was sitting with. I began to see with new eyes. I saw beautiful old women speaking in Chinese. I loved their fragile, petite figures and the care they took in trying to look beautiful. I saw the young mother trying to contain her two children. I saw her patience and struggle and I felt deeply for her. I saw the elderly Black woman in front of my with her Bible open on her lap. I saw her annoyance with the noise that Gideon was making and the remarks she made to her friend...the lack of patience she had. I saw all of these people and I took them into my heart. I was sold. After that moment I began to take everything in. I breathed differently...and then coughed on the smoke. Instead of missing the cleanliness of home, the clear skies, and on-going ocean, I looked at the buildings and wanted to know the history. I looked at the people and wanted to know their stories. I wanted to know who all was affected by the mass amounts of vacant warehouses, broken-down houses, what had happened and what could be fixed. So when I got back to California I was not filled with joy at the sight of the ocean. I was not filled with joy at the fancy cars filled with white, middle-class, americans who never thought about anyone else. I came back for the week of thanksgiving. It was then that I knew I would live here. There was so much to do here. So much to be a part of, and the fantastic thing was there were so many people who wanted me to be a part of it with them. I think that was one of the biggest shockers for me. I feel like a large group of people in California, I will not say all because I also know amazing people with genuine hearts, but a large group who were not at all welcoming. These, it should be noted, were Christian groups. They, at least to me, were very snobbish. Very absorbed in their own lives, and if they choose to get involved in others lives it was that which they read about in People magazine. They consumed at great amounts clothes, i pods, cars, and all of these possessions left me wanting. Sometimes I wanted what they had, but a lot of the time I wanted people who cared about more. To have people that accepted ideas and movements from people like the Psalters and didn't run around trying to get them out of the building before they said one more thing that didn't go along with their political beliefs and say it was a spiritual matter. I wanted to be part of a community that longed for peace and is active in pursing in it. People that care about cleaning up a block and serving their neighbors in tangible ways. People who wanted to live out what Jesus showed us in the Bible. There were months when I would be inspired and try to get together with others, times when I would read "The Irresistible Revolution," or a biography on Mother T, or watch "Brother Sun, Sister Moon." I would feel a fire inside and I longed to be in a community that shared in this passion of giving, caring, and loving. I don't think that the groups of people I used to live with didn't want these things, I just don't think they ever saw a way or reason to actively change their lives for them. When I was here I would hear about people and would be nervous to meet them. I assumed they were like the people who were "so cool and in" in California and would be cold and uninterested. Surprisingly that never happened. I met dozens of people who were genuinely interested in my life and story. This touched a place in me that wanted to be met. I mentioned the idea of me moving here to people and they were overjoyed. I could not figure out why these perfect strangers would care to want me and Elisha to come and be a part of them. They loved me, welcomed me, talked to me, and a few months ago I moved here to be a part of them and have them be a part of me. I guess I wanted to make a Covenant from the beginning. To express my hearts longing to be a part of them and them a part of me. To move with them in their vision to live a life like Jesus and love and transform the world with this love. I guess its as simple as that.

As I was reading tonight about making a Covenant I came across some scripture that agreed and pushed me farther along in my feelings of a few days ago.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have again one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."
Colossians 3 13-15

I read this, and a few similar, and completely let go of the bitterness and hurt I was holding. Tomorrow I am making a Covenant with the community and peoples at Circle and I am going to do so holding nothing against another part of the body. I am ready to lay down my life for my brothers and sisters, forgive them as they forgive me, grow with them, love the, and move forward with them in Loving Christ our Saviour.

I am joining a group of people who have ideas and feelings such as this. http://acircleofhope.wordpress.com/chapter-1-the-safe-place/

I did not write any of this to say that I wasn't loved or welcomed at the churches I was a part of in California. I love them and am thankful for the relationships and growth I had with them. I hope those of you can rejoice with me in this new season and new family I am committing myself to.

...and we're off

Amazing. I woke up this morning (at 6am, Elisha's new wake up time) and fumbled around the house, making breakfast and waking myself up. While Elisha was eating I began to read the days devotional from My Utmost for His Highest. It was a bit vague and at first I had no idea what he was talking about. But as I reread the text something hit me. It spoke to me clearly. We don't always feel God's presence in the same way. There are times when he pulls away and its easy for us to pull away also. Just like it is easy for me to feel inspired when He has spoken very clearly and audibly to me. No matter how I feel I must continue to press into him. Continue to read, pray, and seek after Him. There is so much that hit me this morning and I feel so peaceful. Another wonderful event took place...After a few hours of being awake I shut my door and let Elisha play in the room while I tried to sleep. Melissa knocked on my door and took Elisha from me so that I could sleep. This seemingly simple act broke my heart. It was such a beautiful and tangible act of love and it reminded me so much of California and the Wahls. I am once again inspired to take steps outside of myself and look for way to help and bless my brothers and sisters. While sleeping I had a dream that led me to forgive and move past some recent hurt. It was a very simple very short dream but it, like everything else this morning, opened my eyes to a new way of looking at life. I am in this community and so glad to be here. I have been forgiven and will also choose to forgive and take steps in loving others, even when mistakes are made and hearts are hurt. I am wide away today.

in time memories fade

somethings gone wrong inside. a loss of control has brought upon an uncontrolable wave of emotions. no reasoning. i cant process. i dont see myself how i want to be anymore. weak, unsure, defeated, lost. what just happened? hope has faded into despair and i know i just need to change my heart and change my mind. i cant force it anymore. i am confused as hell and wondering where you went. perhaps we need to go through these moments but i have travelled so far from the rock you gave me. so far from the security and ive found myself in the middle of the ocean on that small piece of earth. i am quickly consumed and overtaken and as on that day i feel i am being sucked down to the depths. Where is my rock? i am consumed. perhaps my only real enemy is myself. the quiet voices are sometimes that most overpowering. am i so far gone that ive forgotten the difference between truth and lies? i feel something has gone wrong and the path back is blocked or disguised. if this is the season and this is right i will need something else because its too hard. the constant feeling of failing as a mother, as a christian, as a person. I am failing myself. Ruining everything when everythings fine. this may seem insane but its either this or its getting locked inside and i will die. i cant call the west coast. hopefully this ill let myself soon but i feel so stuck. i dont want to go back and i dont want to be here. Heaven. Id like to be so much closer to you. To see you and feel and know your holding my hand.

Psalm 88.
O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put my in the lowest pit,
in the darest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, O Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are you wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, O Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death.
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long the surround me like a flood,
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me,
the darkness is my closest friend.




...hopefully this is over soon.

i went for a walk

so I have been home a few days now and adjusting to life in Philadelphia again. Had a hard first day back but I am glad it happened. It got me over a lot of things that I really should never have been into to start with. I also have just been amazed at how many people I love in the city. Since I got back I have just been overwhelmed with the love that my new friends have for me and I for them. I feel even more a part of this community than I did when I left. Hopefully everything else will smooth itself out sooner rather than later. I also am excited because I made friends with neighbors. Micah, Damien, Noah, and Eric. The first two live a block up and the second a few houses down. I hung out with them the first night I got back and have been visiting with them since. It is so nice to have so many amazing people in such close range to visit and connect with. Elisha has been especially cute these last few days. I got off the phone today with my friend Josh and as I said goodbye he started to say Josh, Josh. So I dialed the number and Elisha called him back and held a pretty good conversation. Even after it ended he still picked up the phone and said, "Josh, how are you?" Basically one of the cutest things in the world. I feel like I am having one of those times again when I haven't been calling California as much. It is too hard to come back and talk everyday...I miss you guys so much. I miss my beautiful little nieces. My dear friends and the wisdom and beauty the shower upon me. I miss my family...the large and small. However, I am still so glad and confident in my decision to move here. I have had many emails and voicemails from people about being a nanny. I am meeting with a family tomorrow and have a few different things going on...so I am pretty excited to start working. I also found a senior citizen home nearby and a childrens hospital so I am going to be looking in to volunteering at one or both. I am still amazed that people can have so many personalites. Can be amazing and kind one day and the next cold and uncaring. I guess we all have that in us. Ive felt like I knew so much about people and how they work...I am still learning. We will always get hurt and will always hurt someone else...It sucks a little bit more when someone (who is supposed to care about you) does and acts a certain way that they know will hurt you as opposed to someone who has no clue, but whatever. We can choose to isolate ourselves because of these past hurts and live alone too afraid to be vulnerable with someone else, or we can forgive those who have hurt us and take steps towards loving each other and showing each other compassion for the mistakes we have all made. Ive never been treated so shitty by a person, well I can think of two others, but not in the same way...it just makes me think, why are christian dudes supposed to be better than all the other regular joes out there? the great "christian" men are the ones that have screwed with me more than guys that just made out and left. At least the dudes without faith didnt belive that they were supposed to treat people with kindness and love.they didnt try to convince you that you were important to them and that they were trustworthy. anyways...this is a long random blog that got a little bit bitter at the end but hopefully no one reads it. I really am doing fantastic. Ive had a great past few days and am hopeful and excited for my future here.

ps. dan platt, would you like to have dinner soon?

Dear G-d, have mercy on me.

unashamed to call you his own

I am officialy home. Home #2. California was wonderful. Spring time on the west is amazing. Green rolling hills with wild mustard flowers and the ocean to the right with a beautiful sun smiling down on you. It was great to see my family. Elisha especially enjoyed the visit. It is the first time in a few months that he has played with other little boys. At the end it was a bit hard to leave it all behind. Anyways...I am here now. Ready to re-adjust and having a bit of a hard time.

there are two items in my trash can that make me want to vomit.
i guess i learned a lesson.


I am trying to dig out the love in my heart. Trying to find some forgiveness and grace. It isn't really there..luckily I have Danielle to remind me.

the simple story that you told me is a little different from what showed me

Well. If you were curious as to why you weren't informed of my trip to California there is good reason. I, too, was not informed. Monday my mother called and Tuesday night I was shipped off. It sounds pretty simple but in actuality I had a bit of a breakdown about it. Trying to figure out if I was going to regret coming or regret staying. Trying to weigh the importance of the events for the weekend...In the end I cancelled the ticket and then re-bought it in the morning. I am actually very glad I came if for no reason other than the amazing plane ride I had. A large reason I was stressed out about coming was taking Elisha on a plane. Taking a toddler on a 6 hour plus plane ride is never a fun experience. I was seated in the back of the plane on the aisle. Two seats were next to me with a woman in her 30's near the window and a man in the middle who looked to be in his 20's. This man looked like someone I might be friends with...he sat next to me and read an article about dr. dog in a filter magazine. I tried to entertain Elisha with books and finally got my ipod out for him to listen to some jams. The man asked me if he ever requested music to look at. "no, he doesnt, but he is listening to sunny day real estate right now and seems into that." The man smiled obviously happy with Elisha's music choice. This started what would later become a 4 hour conversation. This man, Chad, 30 years old, was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We talked about God, church, community, music and how hardcore and emo just aren't the same as back in the day...(i had some idea of back in the day and could relate) we talked about children (he worked with children that had behavior problems) and how he was in love with them, we talked about Elisha dad, if I dated (he couldn't understand why a guy would be afraid of a woman with a child), we talked about school (his major was something in religious and spiritual something or another...he also spent a semester at sea which allowed him to visit around a dozen countries, after school he moved to new zealand and worked on organic farms and explored), we talked about some extremely personal stuff but it didn't seem strange at all. the lady near the window was a sweetheart and would take elisha from me and let him stare at the window for an extended period of time. I sat in amazement of how wonderful this plane ride was. Chad now has my email...he is from south jersey and moved to LA so when he comes back I told him I'd take him to circle with me. I hope he emails, if not it may be for the better, I shared such a beautiful period of time with this man. I would have married him if he asked. We sat on the plane in the end...Elisha fell asleep with his legs across me and hed leaning on Chad's arm. The sun shined in on us and Chad played with Elisha's hair. I felt like I was traveling somewhere mystical with my family by my side. The second plane ride for SLC to SB was also pretty amazing...a tiny plane and the seat next to us was vacant. We both slept and when I woke up we were there.

I am now in my mother house. I saw my beautiful little niece for the first time. How are infants really that small? I saw Eva, my house, the place I had missed so desperately. I think this was a perfect time for me to come. When I got here I wished I was home. Home in Philadelphia. I am glad to be here, the weather is perfect and it is nice to take a break and relax. But I really felt, for the first time, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in the 2020 house.

I am excited for my weekend here...I have mass amounts of plans with mass amounts of people and I cannot wait to see all of the beautiful faces that I left behind.

I am also a tad bit hurt and am trying my best to put it away. I am trying to get numbers out of my head. 1 year, 2 1/2, one week. These all weigh heavily upon my heart. Trying to figure out when I became so weak. When I thought it was a good idea to learn how to let you teach me how to breathe. I wish you would have left me alone with my innocence, my fear, my self. In the end it didn't matter that we talked about it so much...because you aren't talking now and I wish you would just tell me to get over it.

I started a cleansing detox yesterday...the things that just came out of my body, you dont want to know.

What am I doing?

like brothers in a hotel bed.

I deleted that. It was a bit too emotional. I learned a new word today thanks to Jesse K and i figured it replaced everything I had written and felt. Saudade.

thats all.

I might fly home this month ... if so Id fly into LA...anyone wanna pick me up?

Happy Birthday Cori Carter, welcome to the world! My sister had her second beautiful baby girl this afternoon. I cried when I saw her picture...it was so hard waiting for the picture to load via text message and not feel very torn about not being there. my first sight of my neice was over the phone...oh well, at least we have the technology that allows me to see her across the country.

I have been trying to explain to Elisha that the baby in my sisters stomach is now born. He is now convinced that I have a baby in my stomach and will not stop touching and kissing it.

i want to be in control of nothing. ill take things as they come and let them leave just as easily.

im not bothered by your opinions or judgements. im at least happy with myself, are you?

if you wanna call me darling, thats just fine.

Today is so beautiful. There is something about sunny days that makes everything better.

I have been so happy because we have new kitchen appliances and do dads. I cannot wait to make and bake so many treats..

When I said I would try and come home next month I meant for only a week...just to be clear.

The status changed back.

Like Elisha, I am learning to have patience and self-control.

Its not always fun or easy...but dang, its gotta be good for something.