tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50697943546925391542024-03-12T21:16:33.248-05:00pushing the boundaries of your limit on love, open up!Clearly His love for us is so much greater than our love for Him. Yet as we lose ourselves and gain the kingdom we become this love towards one another. Just keep focusing on How He sees you at all times, that is really All that matters.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-40312911066741710792017-01-15T02:43:00.001-05:002017-01-15T02:43:26.212-05:00Simple pleasures.<br />
World divine.<br />
You take and eat and destroy some more.<br />
Simple world, if you would let it be.<br />
Survive some more, if you could let greed be.<br />
I am taken, I am lost.<br />
I am prone to give to your cost.<br />
I will resist and embrace the wandering bliss.<br />
Stress I release, I am at peace.<br />
It is all craziness, all unease.<br />
You with your guns and power,<br />
Me with my peace.<br />
I have dreams in my heart.<br />
They were not put here to be left apart.<br />
I will see.<br />
I will reap.<br />
I will sow.<br />
I will glean.<br />
Easy now for we are all weak.<br />
Let us love one another,<br />
Let us carry the meek.<br />
Purpose, Generosity,<br />
let the heart lead.<br />
Let the heart lead.<br />
<br />brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-1999970423460111112017-01-15T02:36:00.000-05:002017-01-15T02:36:53.670-05:00It was glowing<br />
It was shaking<br />
It was engraving my soul<br />
Oh honey, Don't you know<br />
It was in the trees<br />
It was the shadows<br />
The clouds<br />
Oh honey, Don't you know<br />
It was real<br />
It shook me<br />
Deep in my soul<br />
It rose and shown and was full and known<br />
Oh I rise, I shine<br />
You with the driving, me with mine<br />
And I hate you and I yearn<br />
And I let it go, for you are yours<br />
I am deep and I am weak<br />
I am strong and I am needy<br />
Sleep now, for you will know<br />
I am the lover<br />
Beloved, the known<br />
Hold me still, I will wrap you<br />
in my arms, in my touch, in my heart<br />
Quiet now, for its all alright<br />
I am here, for I know the fight<br />
The darkness and pain.<br />
I am the light.<br />
I am the beloved.<br />
The daughter of delight.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-33427214378235688642016-08-08T03:31:00.004-05:002016-08-08T03:37:11.650-05:00I need to know your love.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Thanks for being here with me.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I'm so moved by you.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>So touched you know the words.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Speaking my soul...</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Universe, </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>God,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Friend,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Lover,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Stones.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Music writer, you delight me.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Song weaver of my hearts woes and knows</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b> of deep </b></span><b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">dark and light.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Beauty,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Beauty,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Seek the beauty!</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You draw the focus,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>focus on the Light!</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The Light,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The Light!</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Bring me back to my mind's eye.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>My hearts knowing,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>soul expansion,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Love growing.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>.....</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Sometimes you grab hold of me</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>so violently. </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>A force I cannot reckon with.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I can not escape.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Can not pretend.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You hold me down,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>pinned.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Fierce you are </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>for my attentions.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>My emotions,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>decisions,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>patterns,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>visions.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>They lead me here</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>again and again.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The lands we have lived.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The paths we have known.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The stories that we hold,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>hearts hollow...</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>hearts full.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>We are handed stories from the time we are small.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>They are lessons that teach us,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>and you've let it lead on.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I want to say, "I do not know. I do not know."</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>By faith I muster out, "in Faith I know You know."</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Love flow free.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Love flow free.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Flow to the one's</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>cast down and in need.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The little.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The small.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The tender.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The frail.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The weak.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The hurting.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The thousands. </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The One.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Love flow free.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Light shine on Thee.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>In the hearts of the oppressors</b></span><b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">In the dirty and undiscovered.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">In the shame and the guilt.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">The worry and the fear.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">The lying, cheating, stealing.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Love flow free.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">A thousand I love you's it must always be.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It was all for you.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The stars shining.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The breath.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The mind.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The heart.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The redemption,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>the stories never ending,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>weaving on and forever,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>interconnected,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>always together,</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Love that is for you and exists in you.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>For you righteous to you filthy. </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I love you.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Listen to it everywhere. </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Rivers Currant.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-30984680846852658512016-01-06T02:30:00.001-05:002016-01-06T02:30:42.696-05:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Written 9.15.15 (in response to the sweet one coming)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It is all hidden</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">for days, weeks, months</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There is no space to bring it out</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Bringing up boys, cleaning, cooking,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">schooling, managing, creating, working,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">fighting, dreaming, surviving.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There is a mountain of stress</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">behind two, large, brown eyes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A hurting heart and needs unmet.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There just isn't enough.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Hand to mouth,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">day to day,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">working hard in my mind to make it</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">all work out.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If you knew the changes,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">you would be undone.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As soon as I adjust,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">the days flow changes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But today I know you will come.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It changes me more than the moves and work.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Everything is beautiful, and more painful. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">All of my feelings explode</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">through tears, and I can't hide it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">In the face of the boys, and the duties,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am a Mama crying.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sad that it's been so long, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">sad that is has to be this way.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So sad that they all can give you so much more.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">They were given more.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And then, they were given you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The good Lord gives and takes away.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I gave you, to the more. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To the blessed, beautiful, whole, abundant ones.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What could I do in my poverty and brokenness?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I had only my heart to give to you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But my sweet one, my heart was not from the whole,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">loving, abundant ones. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It was from the broken, rejected, lack.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">In the Kingdom of Love I have been accepted, reborn.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My journey is long and treacherous, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and I know not why this was my path.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have longed for different roads,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">longed for the highest heights.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Longed for the mercy of a loving, whole, family.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Longed for the safety and security of prosperity.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I know it is coming.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am healing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Being transformed daily.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am healing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Still, I feel so under-fed, under-blessed,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">when I see your face with theirs.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I see your joy, your abundance.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I can't give it to you, I can't give it to the boys,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">or myself. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I can't be angry, or bitter.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That would never do. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I can't regret.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I accept. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I open myself to the joy, the abundance, the love.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am here and all I can do is cry,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and feel my jaw tight, my throat swell</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">as my breaths are heavier with the strong feelings</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and lack of understanding.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Present with the pain. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am not seeking an escape. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am allowing, without understanding.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It is here, and it is real in this moment,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> and no one else can feel it...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but I am sure all who have lost know.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I see how He takes care of you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It is everything I ever wanted for you,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">my sweet one.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Let it be enough for me that you </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">have more than enough of all you need.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">More of You, God, less of me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Bless these boys with prosperity. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Every painful moment you designed to give me growth.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Please, Papa, grow me quickly,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">let me learn.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">God has comforted.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Pause, and calmly think of this.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Rejoice, celebrate!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Let my Jubilee come forth.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Restore me to all that you have in your heart for me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Let these be the moments before the miracle.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Come like fire,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">like water,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">like wind.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Move the earth and shift the land to bless me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You have planted and watered the dreams of my desire.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Will they now blossom and bring forth</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">an abundance of the sweetest fruit. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">- River Current</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">a.k.a Joy Everlasting. </span></div>
brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-40896571622054822842015-10-27T14:36:00.000-05:002015-10-27T14:36:01.584-05:00Poems on the fly.<b><i><u>Homeless Words</u></i></b><br />
<b><i><u><br /></u></i></b>
Sometimes even my words cannot find a home<br />
borrowed pads of paper<br />
entries everywhere<br />
I am like these words<br />
I end up in so many places<br />
out of necessity or<br />
for the desire to<br />
be put in something beautiful<br />
Though the words care not where I put them<br />
they are unchanged by binding the holds them<br />
The important part is always that they are there<br />
that they come out of hiding<br />
and allow themselves to be known<br />
they have beauty and meaning all their own<br />
ever in borrowed pads of paper.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i><u>Mama Nap Lullaby</u></i></b><br />
<b><i><u>I </u></i></b><br />
Sleepy Cuddle Time<br />
Sleepy Cuddle Time<br />
Rest, Rest, Rest<br />
Your body<br />
and<br />
Your Mind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i><u>Mount of Transformation</u></i></b><br />
<b><i><u><br /></u></i></b>
I wonder what to<br />
name this mountain.<br />
I'd like to hike another.<br />
But I'm half-wa up<br />
and stuck.<br />
I see other climbing by,<br />
I wonder what they call<br />
their mountain.<br />
It is no use to learn their names,<br />
if I keep going<br />
I'll uncover.<br />
I muss press on to my own path.<br />
As slowly as I like.<br />
<br />
<b><i><u>Full of You</u></i></b><br />
<b><i><u><br /></u></i></b>
I see how you pull me towards you.<br />
Desperate am I to find peace in your Presence.<br />
I am full of myself.<br />
You know well what lie's inside.<br />
Only in You can I empty my cup<br />
and drink you utter acceptance.<br />
Until I am....<br />
Full of You.<br />
<br />
<br />
-<br />
River Current<br />
08/12/15brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-87738959138357278812015-10-24T02:13:00.000-05:002015-10-24T02:15:47.668-05:00I want to be more in love with you, everydayThis <b>word</b> is alive and breathing.<br />
<br />
My weakness<br />
my shortcomings<br />
my broken dreams<br />
my broken heart<br />
draw you closer to me.<br />
<br />
I know you,<br />
and above all,<br />
that is what matters.<br />
<br />
I know your heavy and sweet Presence<br />
that<br />
mysteriously<br />
manifests<br />
when I am so sweetly broken,<br />
weak,<br />
or simply joyfully abandoned.<br />
<br />
Others have observed and entered into this<br />
beautiful bliss<br />
that shrouds the pain and a surreal atmosphere<br />
a more real calm is ushered in<br />
<br />
Lost without you.<br />
<br />
<br />
I can only consult with you for<br />
peace, purpose, and to check in on<br />
my progress.<br />
<br />
Others can hear you, others can see me,<br />
but only you know me fully, only you know in fullness.<br />
Only you can set my heart free.<br />
<br />
Well, what do you think?<br />
<br />
You desire that I would be intimate with Spirit<br />
Spirit desires, and always allows, me to be intimate with You.<br />
<br />
In this place<br />
I am<br />
Soaring<br />
Confident<br />
At ease<br />
acutely aware of how good I have it<br />
and<br />
how much more you have for me.<br />
<br />
Humbled.<br />
Let it be with ease.<br />
<br />
I am a glowing peacock<br />
Thankful for my good<br />
and<br />
Thankful for my places I'd like to see change.<br />
<br />
He gifted me,<br />
how I could gloat?<br />
I share my gratitude.<br />
<br />
I know so well his reassuring voice<br />
telling me of his keen understanding<br />
of all that I go through and feel.<br />
He knows.<br />
He understands.<br />
<br />
He has such compassion for our being<br />
his kindness gives me ample space<br />
security in his empathy<br />
freedom in his love<br />
<br />
Freedom to find<br />
and share<br />
my voice.<br />
<br />
My heart is held<br />
perfectly in your hands.<br />
We are both well aquatinted with suffering.<br />
<br />
My past failings,<br />
my wrong choices<br />
and missed friends<br />
weigh on me.<br />
<br />
I am unable to reclaim these relationships<br />
or moments<br />
all I have is now<br />
but I need to know it will come again.<br />
<br />
I put my trust in You.<br />
<br />
You are beautiful.<br />
Miracle Worker<br />
<br />
The inner healing of a heart<br />
the shackles of oppression being<br />
lifted from the mind<br />
<br />
What a joy to learn of the different ways<br />
you bring the gift of healing.<br />
<br />
Once again my mind is striving<br />
rolling through catalogs of thoughts<br />
there is no peace in this place<br />
<br />
I bring my focus back to You<br />
Hunker down deeper into your mind<br />
your heart.<br />
Cozy in here again<br />
There is no room for worry<br />
planning<br />
stress.<br />
<br />
My job is to rest<br />
in your love lounge.<br />
<br />
You encourage me<br />
You bring focus and insight<br />
You lead<br />
You convict for my heart to soften and grow<br />
as it chooses peace and love over again.<br />
I am thankful you soften my heart<br />
thankful you are so 100% committed to my success<br />
in <b>becoming more and more glorious. </b><br />
<br />
<b>Eternally Hopeful. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Your love is unfailing.<br />
Fails not.<br />
<u>Never </u>fails.<br />
<br />
It is <u>always </u>present in us,<br />
with us,<br />
towards us.<br />
<br />
Suffering is a growth opportunity,<br />
an advancement,<br />
welcome it and speed up the blessings!<br />
<br />
His love is perfect,<br />
and we will never know what might have been,<br />
or why.<br />
<br />
We may know something...<br />
His loving thoughts towards us.<br />
<br />
We may trust in the miracle maker<br />
in the loving voice<br />
of the Spirit of God inside us,<br />
around us.<br />
<br />
We may trust in Jesus,<br />
man-God,<br />
as our redeemer<br />
healer<br />
provider.<br />
<br />
We may walk in His peace<br />
as we cloak ourselves<br />
in His<br />
affirming<br />
words<br />
of<br />
praise.<br />
<br />
We are <b>Gods Beloved Children.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
He must kiss us ever so often,<br />
we are <i>irresistible</i> to Him.<br />
<br />
He delights in saving us.<br />
<br />
Our freedom is His priority.<br />
<br />
To know Him and His love,<br />
Oh Daddy,<br />
I never knew before...<br />
<br />
All you out there without a papa,<br />
find your<br />
providing<br />
protecting<br />
guding<br />
grounding<br />
affirming<br />
caring<br />
loving dad today.<br />
<br />
Wait no longer!<br />
<br />
Orphan status is terribly out of fashion and rather a downer.<br />
<br />
You can have your own one on one relationship with your own creator!<br />
He will love you as much as the person you think deserves His love this most,<br />
never any less.<br />
You will be fully His.<br />
Treated as equal<br />
transformed into his likeness<br />
and finally get what you deserve.....<br />
<br />
you are entitled to a<br />
<br />
NEW INHERITANCE!<br />
<br />
A kingdom.<br />
<br />
Blessings on earth and in heaven.<br />
<br />
Live forever with perfect health and wellness.<br />
<br />
Your father has been eagerly awaiting the moment your heart<br />
would open the gift<br />
His embrace.<br />
He has desired for you to feel him holding you for so long now.<br />
To wipe away the lies, the tears, the fears.<br />
<br />
What will it be like? <br />
How will I know if it is REAL?<br />
What if........................?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Why don't you try it out, for yourself, 100 % free.<br />
You can walk away without any obligation at any time if<br />
His passionate love for you is too much.<br />
<br />
Simply say something like this,<br />
but let it be your words....<br />
<br />
Jesus,<br />
I believe in you.<br />
You are God's son<br />
I believe you died to take the punishment of the world.<br />
<br />
I thank you for your sacrifice and for my unearned forgiveness.<br />
I thank you for placing your Spirit within my today to lead me<br />
in wisdom and truth.<br />
Thank you for my new direct line, of always open, communication.<br />
I commit to pursuing you in this relationship, just as you pursue me.<br />
I am ready and grateful to accept your invitation to adopt me<br />
as your daughter/son.<br />
I love you Papa!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-72494202076234602952015-09-30T23:58:00.003-05:002015-10-01T00:30:56.544-05:00Ramblings of a birth mother, young mother, new mother, new wife, one who dreamed big and now knows the pains of the lack of magic but the beauty of transformation<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
Where do you start when you are ready to start your book. The one that you have heard more than a dozen people tell you to write. </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
Well, I think you should start by writing it. Whatever it is that comes out must be what they meant when they made their suggestion and gave their strong encouragement. They must have listened to the words flowing out of your mouth at a mile a minute and felt so inspired by what they heard that they desired to have it in words, to read again and again, or perhaps they noticed that you really have so many things to say that it would be best for you to put them down on paper. </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
It is the starting place that gets me at times. The theme. The where to begin in this long life of mine. Do I start with the beginning? I have tried. But somewhere on the journey it is so far from where I am in the present moment that I become tired of having to finish the story to catch up to where we are. Because so much has happened and it happens so fast that if I write about what was I may never write about what is. </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
Blogging. The best of the writing world. I don’t have to commit myself to a book, at least not yet, I don’t have to start anywhere or have a climax and ending. I can tell you about today. Tell you about 10 years ago. Tell you about anything. </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
After all it is your choice to read whatever I put out. So I will leave it up to you.</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
I want to write about my journey. I named this beautiful blogging atmosphere learning joy. I am a big fan of names, after naming about 20 different businesses..some that have come to fruition and some that are dreams, I realized I just like creating names. I like words and I am understand more the power of words. The power of positivity and creating. </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
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I heard recently that you inherit in your genes your capacity for joy or sadness, up to 50% I think they said. And please don’t quote me on this one but look it up yourself, this is just what I heard. </div>
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Of course becoming a new believer lends to a new inheritance but I do still think science wins here. </div>
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We aren’t all as naturally joyful as others. We don’t all receive the same genetic information the predisposes us to step into joy and we don’t all receive the same life experiences that make it easier to walk in this joy. </div>
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My life experiences were hard, challenging. Not the sweet fairy tale childhood that some get, many do not. </div>
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As I write I make it my effort to make all my words positive, it is a challenge to accurately describe my past without negatives, but I know the vibrations of negative words affect us all, and I will spare you as much as possible from going down.</div>
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Perhaps, I have thought, this blog or book, should be about adoption. My journey into becoming a birth mother...What a hilarious term, at least in my mind. I say it to myself and think about its meaning. </div>
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First you should know that I am a mother to 3 children. The label, the title, I am honored with here is, Mom. Yet, I really am only “mom” to 2 of the 3. To the 3rd,(which is actually, surprising to most) the middle child, I am Brammi. </div>
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It took us a while to find this title. It was painful for me to let go of my Mother name and receive this new term for this new experience. I see that it is helpful and best and in all ways I try to be accommodating and help my psyche to comprehend why. </div>
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To my sweet little one, my middle one, my one and only beautiful daughter, I am Brammi. To those who know her, I am her birth mother. The mother that birthed the babe, for the sister whose heart longed for one of her own. Not that my daughter’s mother is truly my sister and not that I planned this baby for her…just the unfolding and the weaving together that the Spirit does in our lives. </div>
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This must be the thing I need to write about because there is much to say and sharing the story with audible words is sometimes like pulling teeth. I would rather not. Rather not go there, rather not bring it all up, rather not have some misunderstand me, or the impact that this had on my life and my heart. </div>
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In the beginning that was such a challenge. Telling someone and not having their understanding, so I would have to tell the whole story. The whole story of where I was, who I was, what happened, what God did for me, what God asked of me, and how he healed me. It is long and I long for others to know and understand, but I don’t desire to tell everyone of you face to face. Sometimes they cry and I don’t, sometimes I cry and they don’t. Sometimes there just isn’t time and so I will begin to now refer all these that ask in the future to come to this place where they can read for themselves this journey of motherhood. </div>
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I entered motherhood at a young age. I was 16 when I became pregnant with my first, beautiful son. I recall being a young girl and dreaming of having children, lots of them, from every nation. </div>
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I grew up with a mostly absentee biological father, a few bad boyfriends, and then an angry, abusive, addict step-father. </div>
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I know from most learning that the absence of a father greatly effects children. In girls their identity, their value, their hearts are never affirmed, cherished, loved, when the father is gone or full of hate. </div>
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The damage this does for a daughter is severe and plays out differently for each child. I didn’t know my worth growing up. I longed for attention from men, young and old.</div>
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I didn’t know as a young girl that I needed the love of a daddy, I didn’t know that God was my daddy, and I didn’t know the way God felt about me. I didn’t know protection. </div>
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I didn’t know my identity. I was hungry for love. Yearning for love and attention and acceptance from men. I see this when I look at young girls, and I know their pain and I understand the reason.</div>
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I endured sexual abuse as a child. I won’t go into any details but that this too was a drive for me to be sexually active at a young age. </div>
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So, at age 16 I became pregnant. I was 5 hours north of my hometown and was at a party with mutual friends. It didn’t seem odd, crazy, or bizarre to me that a 16 year old travelled 5 hours north of her home by herself and hung out with people she befriended from the computer or hardly knew, this was fairly normal activity for me since I was 15. As a grown woman I would be shocked to hear about this, but I must remember the story.</div>
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Intoxicated by a few different substances I went home with a man I met at the party. My friends didn’t care enough to tell me not to, I was to drunk and high on cocaine to know not to, and so I went. </div>
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I woke up the next morning feeling very afraid and uncomfortable and glad to leave as soon as I could. </div>
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As soon as I returned home my heavy, broken heart knew that the life I was leading was sad and far from God. I had been reaching for God and been feeling his hands of love pursue me since I was a girl. So with my tattered heart I again turned over my life to the my creator and began to let Him heal and woe me back to wholeness.</div>
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A month later I turned 17. I knew that something was different on my birthday. I felt awful, hormonal, sore breasts, etc. Not long after I learned I was pregnant. </div>
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Telling my mom was a hurdle I had to face and the challenges we had were painful. Since that was so long ago and she is not that person and I will not go into details. </div>
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In the end she came around and became my biggest supporter for raising my beautiful, half black, son. </div>
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I didn’t know his dad. I didn't know his dad’s last name, my friend’s who I had known up north were not my friends any longer since I became a parent, and they had no connection to his dad anyways. I couldn't find him on social media and I was deeply saddened that I would never be able to tell him who his father was. </div>
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I wonder if I should now name this blog a list of God’s miracles, because as I write I will be obliged to tell again and again of the miraculous hand of God lovingly moving in my life.</div>
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When my son was about 7 months ago I got a call from a good friend asking me about my son’s dad. She already knew the details and we had spent time together trying to find him on social media, to no avail without the last name being known. She asked me again about him because she said that our mutual friend was telling her how much my son looked like a guy he had known when he lived up north, this guy happened to have the same name. I thought that was interesting, and very funny since I knew this family too and they had never told me about this resemblance, but I didn’t think it could be real. Our mutual friend had a picture of the same named look alike to my son, so I made a plan to go to their house the next day. Full of emotions I went, and unsure if I would recognize him, I looked at the photo from an old work party my friend had. Turns out….same guy. What?</div>
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Let us look at the facts. I live in a small town, I went to a church of about 30 people, out of those 30 people one family had lived 5 hours away and then moved back. When they lived away they had a job and one of their co-workers was dating a man, that man happened to be the biological father to my son whom I couldn’t for the life of me find. Wow. God you are so good. </div>
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The phone conversation that happened the next day was awkward and my son and I met his other side of the family when he was 9 months old. Turns out God is so good that the man and his family, who could have been any creep or weirdo, happened to be fairly normal and from a sweet family who loved God. </div>
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Even still the man was a grown up child and he continually failed to call or communicate with us to keep in touch with my son. He never sent money when I asked him. Never helped out financially except maybe buying some presents that weren’t even age appropriate every now and then (this is a relationship in progress and He is trying). I didn’t want to file for child support because I didn’t want to deal with custody issues and I wasn’t at all into the idea of sharing my son with a complete stranger. I was never financially helped and physically supported in raising my son from the time I was 17, except from my mom as she was able. </div>
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Fast forward through a lot of really amazing and hard and wild stories of me moving to the east coast twice and then ending up in northern, CA when my son was 4. I moved here from Philly to attend college with one of my best friend single mama friends from my home-town, which was 9 hours south. </div>
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A few months into moving here my best-friend left to go back to our home-town and I was alone with my son in a town I had never been in without any friends or church community.</div>
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Trouble brewing. </div>
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I became pregnant about 7 months into living here. I was going to be growing marijuana with a business friend and was thrilled to finally be able to make enough money to get off welfare. </div>
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I trusted my friend who was going to set me up in business and it was going to be legal and safe and the only real problem was I didn’t know how to grow weed.</div>
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The friends I had acquired while living there were very interesting. I suppose I was at a low point in life and my friend choices showed that clearly. With my desire to learn how to grow, I aligned myself with</div>
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those that knew, those in the industry, those who could teach me. They don’t just teach you for nothing…so of course my choices were male. I was lonely, so so lonely. I was far from God in my heart and I sought </div>
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men to fill this gap. The men I choose were bad choices…but ones who could help me in my new business. After one traumatic situation with a man another came to my rescue only to traumatize me more than</div>
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the first. I didn’t intend to sleep with him but after smoking who knows what, and apparently ovulating, I became pregnant again. </div>
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So there I was. Fairly young single mama living in the country, trying to go to college, trying to build and set up a warehouse to grow hydroponic herb, dealing with horrible morning sickness, staph infections, and a crazy meth addicted ,seriously scary, baby daddy. It was sad. I was sad. I made an appointment at planned parenthood. I cancelled it. I had to drop out of school. It got worse and worse and eventually I had to call the cops and send him to jail. He had a previous warrant out for his arrest and had to be locked up for at least 3 months. This 3 month period gave me time to make a plan. The plan was get as far away as possible so he couldn’t find me. Again the plan was, God I am so sorry…I have made a mess of my life without you. </div>
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Suffering post traumatic stress and pregnancy I decided I needed community again. God most certainly came in. He brought me a friend, who almost didn’t come but felt compelled to, who told me about Portland and the community of believers there. It sounded like what I was looking for and needing so I took my beat up old pick up truck and my son and drove 8 or more hours north to visit and see if we could find a room to rent in communal christian housing. The way God orchestrated that weekend is amazing. It stretched me, made me uncomfortable, and forced me to call and connect with people I didn’t want to. In the end all of the events led me to a craft fair. That didn’t seem to be very useful but it was fun to look at the amazing portland arts. While walking around with a newly made friend I became acquainted with one of her friends she ran into. This new person happened to be the wife to a pastor whose church I had e-mailed about communal housing and rooms for rent. How random? They didn’t have church services during the weekend so I wouldn’t have been able to meet her unless God intervened. She was aware of my e-mail and glad to meet me. She walked around with my son and I the rest of the day and had dinner with us before we left to head back down to where we were living. I got to hear her story and she got to hear mine. Her spirit was sweet, gentle, safe and I was able to share without feeling condemned. I wasn’t planning an adoption, and I wasn’t phased by the fact that her and her husband couldn’t get pregnant and wanted to adopt. The word adoption did come up before this meeting. Two christian friends mentioned it to me and I hated it. Then I looked online at a christian adoption webpage and crying my eyes out knew I could never pick a family. Meeting this new person was good, but I wasn’t moved to the idea of adoption, it was to heart wrenching and awful to think about. I loved my baby. I loved my children. I am a passionate mama who has always wanted little ones and I wanted this baby…I just wanted different circumstances and a different situation. I knew that she was a she before I found out. I knew that she would be born right around my birthday. I knew that she would be so much like me. I loved her and I felt so much pain. </div>
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We ended up moving to Washington state. One of my best friends and her daughter had moved there from the east coast and I needed her companionship. Portland was a new city with new people and in my trauma I couldn’t handle talking to people. I was a homeless mess with my truck packed full of our belongings and nowhere to live in Washington. We found a room to rent but the man, an older teacher, was a total creep. Another door opened and we moved into a trans gendered queer socially active permaculture communal house that was passionate about natural child birth and supporting single mamas. I certainly learned a lot being there. I was getting pretty pregnant by this point and couldn’t get a job. I lived on off of welfare, $400 something a month…a little more than my rent. I cried all the time. I felt stuck. Hopeless. I remember believing that I ruined my life. I had no hope and I hated Washington. I knew I couldn’t do it. Time went on and I just knew I couldn’t. I processed with a house mate and my best friend and I cried. </div>
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I knew after my daughter was born she would need to go to daycare soon after and my son to school so that I could get a job to make enough money to support us. I hated that idea. I knew she wouldn’t have a dad, just like my son who had grown up without one. Just like I grew up without one. I knew that I was broken. I began to consider adoption, though timidly and with so many walls in my heart. I emailed the woman I met in Portland and asked her if I decided to go the route of adoption if she and her husband would be interested, based on her story. I opened the door of communication about adoption…I took the first step off solid ground into new unknown territory. She of course said yes and she put me in contact with a woman they copastored with who had both been adopted and had children that she had adopted in an open adoption. This was my first learning about open adoption. Open adoption…for those who don’t know is much like it sounds. Instead of it be closed, children know who their birth parents are. They know their story. In different adoptions it looks different, for many open adoptions there is contact between the two families. Pictures, visits, etc. This helped soften my heart to the idea, knowing that if I chose that path that I wouldn’t loose my darling love forever. </div>
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I met with the woman and heard her story and her words, wisdom, advice, encouragement, no pressure to any decision. That meeting helped. I got to see a beautiful, strong woman who had endured the pain of letting her children go to be raised by a more capable set of parents who could meet their needs. I saw that she didn’t break into a million pieces and die but that she healed, she grew, she recovered from her loss to get married and have children. She has relationship with her children who ere adopted and their parents. This all helped my heart and mind. </div>
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I remember at some point I knew adoption was the route. I didn’t tell the family, in case I changed my mind, but I started to let it become real in my mind. I remember telling my son…he had turned 5 during this. One of the hardest parts of this journey was my son. He was so in love with His sister. So in love with my belly, with the baby, with his baby sister. So proud, so protective, so sweet. I can’t even write this without crying. His pain in addition to my pain broke my heart. He hated it. Hated hearing my words trying to gently explain to his 5 year old mind and to help his heart understand what I was saying. How to prepare him for what was coming so he wouldn’t be in a state of shock when she was there and then gone. He understood, but he didn’t accept, he didn’t enjoy, and we both suffered. </div>
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Everyday suffering. I learned how painful questions from people were. Simple questions from strangers…When are you due? What are you having? and then the horrible questions and comments…Are you excited to be a big brother? My son would hide behind my back. He knew what was happening and he didn’t know how to answer them. Of course he was excited to be a big brother, if he had been allowed the opportunity to become one. They would tell me how great that I had a boy first and then a girl after and they would ask and say so many things that must be so common and normal to say and ask but in the situation they were all daggers to our hearts. Sweet sad little son of mine…he didn’t know what to say, he just felt the pain, and I felt the pain double. I was angry. Angry at my hurt. Angry at my life and the unfairness of it all. Angry that my children had to suffer. Angry at the questions. Oh I hurt and I burned with pain and I knew no escape. I tried only to ease it all for my son and to be what he needed as much as I could. </div>
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I started journaling. Crying out to God. I wanted to leave Washington so badly, I wanted to be near my family (though we were so different and distant and they were in no situation to help me at all) and near my friends. A door opened for me to work in Northern, CA and I, in faith, packed up my truck and son for a few weeks of work before we would return to birth a baby. I was probably 7 months pregnant at this point. </div>
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My mom watched Elisha for a handful of weeks while I worked on a mountain in Northern, CA. Full of an almost full grown baby I worked my butt off in the hot heat cooking in an outdoor kitchen for 20-30 people. I carried water from a sink some distance from the kitchen to cook with and climbed up and down large wood stumps to get in and out of the kitchen. There was no roof, it was hot. I slept in the back of my pick-up truck. I accepted as little help from the men as I could and had a hard shell...but even here there were such amazing people loving me and providing me with a safe retreat to continue to consider the weighty decision that lay ahead of me, adoption. At this point I wasn't communicating with the family that would adopt my daughter, I just couldn't talk and think. So I spent weeks alone on the mountain working and then staring into the trees and letting my Spirit rise up to God. </div>
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brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-24546720661459592132012-09-26T17:21:00.001-05:002012-09-26T17:21:23.102-05:00The farm life<div><p>Trailer demolition.</p>
<p>We prepare to head north for the month of october.<br>
Yota Mira is in rapid transformatiom</p>
<p>As is my family</p>
<p>Joy</p>
<p>Peace</p>
<p>Bliss</p>
<p>Love</p>
<br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCqtbhHQODh8DSKLkRwMu8t5QwiScGhjiXR9lyamrRZ5tNugeIH47ieQOtHieE3x_4a0pewCglB7INF8x19-aIhpeZ94LIPgbDUmra9XOO3KnjoBcV1lbOohmRF2KkFLQkFI9B5Jar68FC/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4z0evI3bdS58ks9KXymZVRUDPfL2kb7v_AoI98JD29uX_mIw9T6uUpQEq85iJ2jKpdymedr4YVjYy3ZAMfDx4raggZVl16jx6q3i2HZOKW1q7J54OqB6ZNTK49ZobsF4B_MOxz5n9FfWC/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz1YDhlJykpo7AYBM2pd-r3HKVoiqcG9lrLrByyRnbpdgdcVM-7HSwZ4auROj4xfHKSj_KC46nURp3ZgF0UH34xoNG-NFL5uAm5JghG-LTmTY7vOfWS-HJXBFklx1S6iGrYCd0-Z4ecOsR/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXpK6qj1_ptj5v5Hku4vzlFbrG7SNs5uG9NIQD77XpNMObRjBk_TnhdyodokFc8W-SeOGv7edbWVstnrzVT9B53qirLFFdXX23362t7FLe2yQZVUdj9la8os73DSIXAM1YbqWOU8yh33UN/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5IO2Y9CIAbdgUyZQukCmgmEyH5KQk8sNkvMS1jpGST18J4BktW2g7EPsMOLDDOrgVMNplbAgyjRvd9lUuflBDT4yJkl2LJDEU0l1KMqRw10KuIueOwMFIi3bzbf5f06x6pkd3h3tSyATW/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK_21ncSTV1r2WJlh_fTXdJcVx4bEmafZ4Ff4ulXR9bKIG0cXgSjDSuT4pNiRlYBIoJJfCpCbc1v8prbqt4SyIlVq5tzgo4_2w7gCREx4S5hSxnO_nAnnAPC-bhnAvi0Q6rZDlfv1_DB_b/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgskegvN-pzXSy3MnQz81uirnONDfnpYLMFEGgIxI78o5ShH0YpYtnV0xSrhn0zkaoVyq9MxC7XejnAYYNW0SnZ1bZW1pst-MjhbsgGtANP2u-0AwWMy1MReSV_CuA06ThrGlY-iY7k678h/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzXKrGlH5WSDm4VXj_ej4AR-b7z23yHy7itNqes2MvShR7OdrsibHB0Wtz5UTueOXIlH32nAf53bcGcefdsiXPiGTZqnT6HkxxftR4vwhg6GRoP3_41f686n8__ox0syZgh48JTtBJibbs/' /></div>brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-13761882044637505942012-09-17T16:49:00.002-05:002012-09-27T23:23:23.586-05:00when you sleep, i speak. this computer is about to die.<br />
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a game i played in the midnight toll.</div>
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the stars weren't aware that I wanted a late night stroll.</div>
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Kittens make your mischief</div>
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on your make shift tree</div>
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my frustration</div>
<div>
this communication</div>
<div>
our relation</div>
<div>
your glorification</div>
<div>
no unification</div>
<div>
waiting satisfaction</div>
<div>
delayed gratification</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
wearisome tribulation</div>
<div>
awaited transfiguration</div>
<div>
undone damnation</div>
<div>
my purification</div>
<div>
completion</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-71955758765613359632012-08-24T13:44:00.000-05:002012-08-24T13:45:43.101-05:00how all these faces they adore you, so the blessings they pour out on you.<br />
This life is so amazing. Some days I can hardly breathe from the beauty that is pressing in on me. All around us. All around us.<br />
May our hearts be content and at peace as we rest in this infinite love that surrounds us.<br />
On a ranch, in an olive grove, under a tree that made a canopy for you and for me. the light shown through the leaves that you would trim away to make more room. room to grow. i hiked the land and searched and found treasures up and down. i sat way up high in an old oak tree grove. the leaves were thick and carpeted the land. crunch, crunch, crunch. the ants and I took our moments here. Two bouquets were picked. How can one walk by the most wonderfully designed flowers and overlook them, or tread upon them, nay i will gather some small remains and arrange them. Bringing glory, constantly. I saw the bridal cabin. This was a lovely touch. Talked business. Have been soaking up the favor and the blessings in having so many connections to source from for my ideas. I feel that the launch will be soon. All good things are coming towards me. All good things I need and those I don't fall by the way side. You shall gather and reap when it is harvest time. Here at the vineyard harvest time shall be Monday. I have been sampling the fresh pressed Sauv Blanc. Delicious. I got the count on the blocks right today at the work meeting. Tasting those sugars Brandi, way to go. I am excited to leave this desk. I have not been feeling well for sometime now. Tomorrow is Bee keeping class day. My friend from the farm is coming with me. Then we will go to my work party at one of the owners house. The next day we will hike with the assistant wine maker to a hot spring...my friend is going to try and use tubs and tubes and the sun to force the cold air out of the hot spring and put hot water back in. We are also going to see the spring with some sort of clay. This will be a fun project. So much today. So much to say. Lets give thanks. What else. All moments are coming together. I am looking for odd and strange instruments to start playing.<br />
<br />
Hoping for a mirage.<br />
<br />
You'll see.<br />
<br />
Oh, to dance and be free. To move like you need. brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-69333227952176033582012-08-20T23:34:00.003-05:002012-08-21T14:09:51.313-05:00watch my fall apart, only love, show my your heart. okay. so the trip also had a main theme.. Galilee. First time back in the community after being gone for four years. After my death and life. After I changed. After the birth of my daughter Galilee. That some family in the community knew about and then others did not. And it was so sweet. Because I so love to have her a part of my community. And that was something that was really hard for me was that they didn't know. They didn't know me and they didn't she was alive and just any of my life. I was so blessed by how many did know. And the amazing and beautiful and intimate moments I got to share with them all. I love my friends and family in Philadelphia. I need more words. Words like how I feel safe with them. I feel valued. I feel like I be myself.. in a way different from here in CA. Because my relationships and the nature of how people live and what they believe and how they love and interact is very different there and yet surprisingly always the same. So it was good. I had some good one on ones and little pod, group sessions of sharing hearts, laughing hysterically, watching elisha spin dj records and rock out, dancing with a friend, smoking, etc. Even here I want to omit that part about smoking. But it happened. it was real.<br />
<br />
I have in fact dreamed about most of this. No joke. I dream about Philadelphia all the time. Well often. One of my most reoccurring dream places and its been for the last 5 years. And so many of the things and themes of my dreams have and are happening. Which is really quite normal. Because as I have already been saying God is always around us and loving us. At that time I needed dreams. At this time I choose not to but they weren't getting interpreted so they really were becoming confusing. I miss my friends so much on the East coast. I really may want to live there again soon. I dont know if that would be temporary, long term visits, or full time for 10er. Woah. So thats there too. But I have so many plans and they are mostly here.<br />
anyways.<br />
goodnight again.<br />
peace and joy to youall.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-31636091876478341612012-08-20T23:24:00.001-05:002012-08-20T23:24:29.752-05:00come on, love.I want to cover Ben Howard's song Only love. Doesn't have to send anything like how its played. So I need help. Just a prayer. Out there. YES.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-63879282027826629792012-08-20T23:23:00.000-05:002012-08-21T14:13:34.590-05:00moments of bliss. then there was this...I came home to mi madre! So Excited! As the exclamation mark depicts a few times...anyways.<br />
I am rapidly loosing my many and many thoughts and ideas and letters i would love to be writing to friends or to facebook or in some outlet so that I might be able to know that I have given my love away as seemed fitting and while it dwells within it burns and consumes until that fiery love must give birth and deliver its message. i have no need for it to be returned. more like.. i am observing this desire within myself lately and understanding myself more. non-attachments. neh. i traveled the entire day today. I don't know what time zone my body is on....I never adjusted, just slept a whole lot less for some days and a whole lot more on others. Ah, Bliss. wonderful is this life and its delightful surprises behind every, every, every single millisecond that passes us in a day. I would like to say something. I believe that in my life personally, but of course( because whom else could I speak for but my own experience?), I have noticed that when I am faced with the hardest shit known to human kind and humiliated, feeling my worst, hating everything, hating others, hating church, etc....those times when I have accepted it and dove head first into this fear, this idea, this object, this person that was once inside me that was a sweet little lady love, this poverty, this trauma, this violation, this wrong, this acceptance, this forgiveness, this salvation, this sweet intimacy with Jesus, Spirit, God....in such unique ways each, this joy, this peace, this pain, these scars, this heart, when it is all upside and inside out and doesn't make any sense how anything could ever good come of what I am in and it seems like the worst idea to make I say yes and then...!!!! this was what I was actually getting at, is how I have come to a place of being able to let go. Let go of myself. This is called surrender to some folks. Let go of my fear.s I let go of my pride. I let go of the image I've created for myself for forever up until the moment which is a tangent I wont head into, this pain...again, blah, but I received. I learned to receive. I have been shown more love than I have ever known. Through God. Everyday. In every every single moment in every way. He is always there with each and Every single one of You. Sometimes we can't see well but we don't want to get glasses right away....why? I dunno you tell me? Image? You don't want to see clearly? Money? What if you really didn't want to see clearly! that'd be a hoot. What if you couldn't hear all the way? What If you wouldn't get an earpiece because it was....too expensive? ugly? annoying? uhhhh? So, in love,my point is that sometimes we actually may, or may not, choose to allow ourselves to suffer because ........ ?<br />
<br />
<br />
I have been here. Not wanting to see clearly. Not wanting to feel. Not wanting to care. Not wanting to live.Not wanting to suffer...but then still knowing that inevitably we all suffer. We will suffer. We have to suffer. Shoot I rejoice in suffering these days. More and more I am trying. I have grown the most in this letting go of fear and letting in love. It is scary as hell. Haha. hahaha. oh man. Risky. Dangerous. Sounds like better than what everybody elses doing and playing it safe. I am risky business. not. oooo business.<br />
<br />
back to my road trip home.<br />
<br />
My mom was being so sweet. We haven't spent alone time together in.....................................<br />
<br />
yeah.<br />
<br />
Because her boyfriend, my step dad?, Steve, is always with her...or one of my sisters...or...<br />
<br />
So it was really nice and a little bit awkward for me in the beginning. I love my mom. Yay. She came and got me and is so lovely. We sang songs and she taught my things about California I never knew before. Ah. Duh, how did I forget that one. Man, I have so many ideas running through my head getting home. That is one of the reasons I needed to write, though, I don't think I will write about it all on this forum. But I was telling my mom about a handful of the things I was thinking about and she had some good ideas and connections and started ebaying and goggling the things I would need. That was so great to have her support and excitement about what I was planning and dreaming up. I so need that enthusiasm and excitement of another person in what I am doing. I guess I dont need but I enjoy it.<br />
<br />
Got home finally. Drove an old route home hwy 154 through Los Padres National Forest. I am not sure why I have not been here sooner. I have had so many times Ive been researching places to explore around here and take Elisha on hikes and out in nature...I only ventured south once and it was to Soquoi Falls or something in Santa Ynez. So this new place has painted caves and I believe theres a hike to a natural hot spring somewhere out there and red rock which is this amazing river I used to go to with my family when I was young with massive boulders to side on and jump in the river....(at least when its deep, ya know how it goes). Excited about these new adventures. My mom and I talked wine talk today. More so about wineries she knew but I took the conversation to the vineyards and got some good talk going on how the grapes are grown etc...I dont know too much yet but I ask questions and was surprised at the amount of information ive retained and picked up the past 4 or months at the winery. this is good news. It is good to always learn new things. Many things. thats my problem. the other reason I was on the blog was because I was frustrated I couldn't write to my very lovely and dearest friend in all the world whom I miss so much already and I haven't even been apart from her for a full 24 hours. Dang. And my phone won't work. This computer is against me and won't allow me to go on Facebook or check my Gmail. No joke. But maybe the computer is in actuality for me and not against me. For all things are for me, and indeed for my good. and I really have no NEED to go on either of those. Tomorrow I work. Wooaisduflajfljsf. That will be good. I hope all is well. Blessings be to the world place and the Owners and all people and especially the feild workers who are working so hard now during harvest time. May the harvest be plentiful and the wine be good!<br />
Hallejulah!<br />
<b>So I wanted to write this dear friend of mine a love, thank you, bless you</b>, I need to share my honest emotions and heart with you, how are you, this is what's happened, let us share words, note..<br />
etc....this was all to be in the letter. but now as I write these things I think...perhaps, you already know that I would say them.<b> Sometimes words may be many, many times word should be few. Let us love with our actions and more with our do that with that which we spew with our lips what is false and untrue. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I will come home. He can come too. Yall can go hither. Ill be anon. You raise the cannon and come southern dawn. Awake no winter. Let sun warm you all. Lets dance little children. Hes loved us all well. Dance brother autumn. Let winds bring you closer. I'll be sleeping still. </b><br />
<br />
<b>It is amazing what honesty will do. The truth will kill...every false pretense and judgement placed upon your head. It will burn until scarlet is red and these chosen see a bit of you, you Jesus. You sweet and gentle one who asks of all and begs of none. You lowly one, down in the dirt sweaty and tending. You come now and you wash my feet. Such love...I shiver now to think, nay know, it so. So long to run in circles but to abandon all is bliss. To be known forever and eternity as always as this.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b>I am</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b> my beloveds. </b><br />
<b><i>and </i></b><br />
<b>my beloved is</b><br />
<b> mine. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Pretty good thing the theme of my life is tattooed on my chest, eh. haha. santa maria eh, rather than a Canadian eh. for anyone who would ever know what I was referring to you you would probably chuckle right there.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>So good night world. I have emptied enough of my chest to sleep well for work tomorrow. Then I can try again and connect with the outside world. Just remain calm, the inside is at peace within. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Love you. Bless you all so. If anyone dared read this entire story I applaud you. I am deleriously tired and physical and mental exhausting may be happening. BTW. What I also need to applaud is Mothers. Dear Lord, I love you. I love that you made women to be so amazing, so strong, so selfless, so talented, so generous, so passionate, so brave, so sensitive, so needed. You have made women and gifted and blessed them. We give life. you give life. it does make sense why we are hated by the forces that be. But I have watched and observed so many various women this trip in my friend group and in the city and on the train and I am just amazed. Watching them carry strollers and children and bags up flights of stairs and travel and wake up early and in the night and clean and cook and work and some do it completely alone and those women are like super hero ninjas. But you also should ask them about their lives. because as I am one of them...haha...I could tell you that I am blessed. That I get jobs that are impossible, or have never existed before and are created for me, or jobs that are strenuous and hard on my body but pay really well (organic house cleaning, cooking for large amounts of people outdoors, caring for children, etc). I get free cars. Yep. I have now had 2 cars been given to me for free. Because...God loves me. I have really hard crazy and wacky life circumstances, mostly and mainly because I make stupid decisions, and that mostly and mainly happens when I am choosing to not want to see but continue to suffer and hide and try to fix myself, but God has loved me even when I am doing that. Just always. All the time. Loving me. Loving you. Pouring it out. Pouring out just ...what...we ... need. Thats such a funny thing to say. Because We know (well kind of) that we need food and water and sleep and then theres that other list of emotional, physical, etc needs that I learned in my psych class last semester. But with many other things in our lives I think we do not at all know what we need. Because I think that we always have what we need. Which is hilarious that I am saying that right now. Or how I should phrase this is something more like what we need is always coming to us at always that precise moment in time and space when it should explode into reality in front of you. But you may want whatever that is to 1. look like how you want you need to look. or 2. want to see the good side of it happen now before we commit to saying yes to something that is not what we need. what I need. Is that important. Yes. I am important. Does God give me what I need? And if yes then is it always? I can only answer from the present moment but in this present moment I look around me and within me and I should say that I have everything I need. I think if the Lord gave me a present it would be a Lover. ya know, a husbbbbb. yep. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>but I guess if this is where I am this I have everything I need. But I could very well be anywhere else in the entire world and have everything I need there too. Even if I left everything and took only my body and soul and spirit and my son's and we journeyed into the desert, the country, the woods, the mountains, the jungle, the beaches, the lakes, the rivers, the cities? I would have everything I needed there and anywhere else. This is the idea I am forming and working with believing entirely. That and to fully grasp and understand and live from a place of knowing, understanding, living in...experiencing God's love for me consistently and always in every moment and to never feel any bit of anxiousness or bitterness or fear. I noticed many flaws in my character on this trip and many places where I have grown. And as I look upon the places I still struggle I merely smile at myself and say ah I am still learning and this is no race...I am on the good and right path and I will not be rushed or thrown off course. I am just am loved by AM in this moment as in the moments when I may or may not be freed from mental patterns and blocks ive acquired through the years and lies of believed as truths for so long. I do believe and hope there will be a time when all is lost and forgotten as I star at my makers face and I am perfect as He is perfect. Oh! ! ! I am perfect as He is perfect. hahahah. So amazing.</b><br />
<b>Goodnight...Thats the blessing. you are just as amazing as Jesus. He is in you and you him....you are thus perfect. Light. My own personal beliefs and experiences. Do not try this at home or be angry for voicing me thoughts. I love yours and our differences so write up. </b>brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-58764126361319716972012-08-15T15:59:00.000-05:002012-08-15T16:00:23.809-05:00sometimes it seems so more harder....than it needs to be. it needs not be so hard at all. or your perception of hard is harsh. you wear it heavy and it clings down to the ground. little lumps and big mountains, we all have our own barrel full. You have a needle and I have a haystack. Let us instead imagine it all as a great big surprise. A gift. A wonderful and long awaited gift. Perfect for this moment no matter how cumbersome it feels. You are growing. You are alive. You are right here and right now you are loved. Complete. Possessing everything you may ever need to find happiness or contentment. Often I see a lack of peace in my friends. Peace my friends. Peace, is with you. Presence of peace consume all else. All worries, needs, duties, feelings, fears, obligations, attachments, let us be free from strangling ourselves and each other. free to venture out and enjoy and sit still and allow. it is all the same. a coming and a going. a circle. a sphere. surely, he is always here. brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-66673226473423852852012-08-02T00:48:00.000-05:002012-08-02T01:19:20.267-05:00Journal Entries, Lover's notes.I have a rapidly accumulating collection of "journals" growing near my bed. The number is something over 7. A handful of these story taverns were started 3, 4, 7 years ago. So, I finished them in these last 2 years. Strange. I have also started many new ones, made a few, and completed them. I am finishing up a few that are very lovely and have birds, peace, love, etc.. on them. The colors and messages are good. It is wise to know that words are very powerful. Speak beautiful things over and to yourself. Agree with the creator...he sees you perfectly through his son. Anyways....I wanted to start sharing some of these stories with the world. They were when I was living on the east coast, in Arcata, Olympia, in Portland, on the Farm, At a families, at another families, and so on and so forth. What I am going to post now is about Galilee, my daughter, who I love and lives with her Mother and Father in Oregon. Open adoption, if you don't know what that is you should look it up. It is a good idea to look up things you don't understand or have only been told about by one group of people. Research, let the Spirit guide you...He is always teaching you. Oh by the way I was thinking about how God is omnipresent, In-dwelling, and manifests His presence...in everything, in me, in my presence( in reality) is His presence. hmmm...<br />
<br />
Entry #1. Jan/12, I know not.<br />
<br />
There's an area I'd like to get to, but I cant now. Not in this season, not at this time. The waters are flowing now. They are much higher, much clearer, and quite faster, than they were so long ago. All I can do is glance back, back to where I have been, back where I was in that time. That's what all of these moments are, me glancing back to where I was. (thankfully I now spend more time in the present moments than past) Sometimes I get to go back and sit this physical body in that physical space where the memory lived. I put my body and spirit near the creek and reflect. I remember how I felt, but only still a glimpse. My mind will, no matter how close I get to reenactment, never brings it fully back. It's distant...like remembering a story a friend told me, but not like it's my own story. Here, now, in this place, I sit my physical body on this bit of earth that evokes so many memories of our last moments together and remember. I look over my shoulder at what was, what took place, I could go and sit on the bench where I wrote hours before. Where I searched for You, where You flooded me with truth and light, where we made a promise. Can You remember that day also? How the psalms spoke to me like a sweet melody, like that of darlings who would hum to one another, with the hope of bliss. You came and were so near to me when no one else could be. All I wanted was her, but I gave it over to You. What happened that day. Daddy, did you see? I crucified my heart, I nailed it to a tree. I didn't know where we would be, or that I could be here, but I trusted you for I know you are good. What a leap of faith, what obedience, You exchange life for life, that is just what You do. When I gave her to You, You gave me all of You. I glance back to that piece of earth where we 5 all sat together the day I signed her papers. The day she left me forever. She wasn't mine, no not even then. Though I love her more dearly than my friend. She is me and I am her, but we are apart. I have always loved you daughter, from the beginning, from the start. Rivers of tears have I cried to ease the pain in my heart. I cannot continue to look behind. It was God's beauty and majesty.His Glory and wonder displayed through you and through me. His streams are never ending, always on the move. One seasons low but the rain shall come again. He has made me full, my cup is never dry. Forever I will love you, forever I will cry. What a gift you are to me, my darling, my sweet child. To know the greatest sorrow in letting go of you. To know everlasting joy because I've never lost you. We belong to Him, Our Savior and our King. He's given us hope, he gave you everything!<br />
The stream it murmurs and sings, it is alive with rich new life.<br />
He has promised you a family and given me new life. My family is made complete, I have become His wife. I am His bride. I am clean. I am spotless. I am seen. I am lovely. I am grace. I am wanted now and always.<br />
<br />
<br />
Here I stand before you.<br />
Here I wait my days<br />
Your gaze is ever towards me<br />
I am yours always.<br />
<br />
Come and take me home<br />
Your purpose has been made known<br />
The Lord is great and passionate<br />
Worthy is the Lamb, who sits upon the throne .<br />
<br />
Fear not my little children.<br />
In your hearts I shall remain<br />
Hold tight to hope my darlings<br />
In His kingdom I shall reign<br />
<br />
Let Love guide your path<br />
It will always take you home<br />
<br />
Holy is the Lord, who was, who is, and who is yet to come.<br />
<br />
<br />
Love, Joy, Peace, Grace everlasting.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-68845090054700671562012-08-01T08:54:00.000-05:002012-08-02T00:52:09.200-05:00Oh Sweet Heart, I can only take your love looks for seconds at a time.<div style="text-align: right;">
Every bird that flutters by</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
even the little swallows that pass over</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
are bringing a message of hope</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
I am near to you, I am with you</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
yes, and always!</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
Lesser lovers have came strolling by</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
but none were to keep your heart and be its cover</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
He tethers his every desire to live love for the bride, unbreakable rope</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
out at sea he searches for you, deep in your soul he sings love song to you</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
yes, and always!</div>brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-14570307952649935052012-07-31T02:20:00.001-05:002012-07-31T03:17:57.909-05:00circles of light, you remain all I need.<br />
<b>I found the computer I note on. The last writings</b><br />
<b>were dated back in 2010. Back to a time when I was</b><br />
<b>on the farm and would spend ample</b><br />
<b>time admiring the sunlight streaming through the</b><br />
<b>oak trees while swinging back and forth ever so</b><br />
<b>slowing on the old wooden, creaky chain swing. I was </b><br />
<b>near to the outdoor kitchen, the small cement</b><br />
<b>platform with sparse wooden cabinetry and </b><br />
<b>an old stove. It was up on the bluff overlooking</b><br />
<b>the lower landscaping and ponds.</b><br />
<b>I would swing and view my surroundings for hours.</b><br />
<b>I could have stayed there for months and years had</b><br />
<b>situations allowed. the tree house was smaller</b><br />
<b>back then, back when I could swing in solitary bliss.</b><br />
<b>many changes have been made since those days </b><br />
<b>...i am grateful for the growth</b><br />
<b>and hopeful for the consummation of my return to </b><br />
<b>the land. the chickens roam free now and they have</b><br />
<b>added to their flock a fearsome band of ducks,</b><br />
<b>turkeys, and the lone peacock and rooster.</b><br />
<b>sad old men, so determined to be near the lady</b><br />
<b>breed but with no tact. the dogs have also increased</b><br />
<b>in number and are tiresome at visiting their</b><br />
<b>feathered friends at a proximity I doubt they fowls</b><br />
<b>enjoy. It is busier. more life. i miss the</b><br />
<b>company of our friends that have left. i know my son</b><br />
<b>misses the young boy that took up residence</b><br />
<b>with his mom and joe in the tree house that year.</b><br />
<b>i wonder if they will be back. i so love them</b><br />
<b>and their travelling family band. however, i do</b><br />
<b>sense a freedom for elisha now that his farm is</b><br />
<b>back to the way it was. where he was the child that</b><br />
<b>roamed free and learned to master his imagination</b><br />
<b>and learn from the older ones. his maturity was</b><br />
<b>so evident today. there are other new changes</b><br />
<b>with the front house. i think i am glad for this</b><br />
<b>change also...i do desire that it was on better</b><br />
<b>terms. the stubbornness and coldness of religion</b><br />
<b>always rubs me the wrong way. i set aside conflict ions</b><br />
<b>and voices that may tempt me into choosing sides.</b><br />
<b>i chose to remain in love, i am sorry if you disagree.</b><br />
<b>i am open to displeasing you, my life has long</b><br />
<b>been given over to the pleasure of my one and only.</b><br />
<b>your wishes and desires are no longer pressing on</b><br />
<b>me night and day. i do not wish to please you.</b><br />
<b>love you i will, with his will working only. but</b><br />
<b>you may not always perceive it as love. in </b><br />
<b>this love i will back away so that perhaps he</b><br />
<b>might reveal to you his perfect way...that at times</b><br />
<b>feels like torture. i know about torture.</b><br />
<b>I wait so patiently for my arrival outdoors.</b><br />
<b>the farm has new tenants.</b><br />
<b>some coming and some going. quickly and sporadically.</b><br />
<b>i enjoy this but do long to be a part of it as</b><br />
<b>well. oh community, you are so sweet. i miss </b><br />
<b>differences in beliefs and personalities. and</b><br />
<b>yet i also long for the connection of shared</b><br />
<b>values and passion for the land. come now, let </b><br />
<b>us connect this reverence for the land and stewardship</b><br />
<b>and blend it together with love for our Creator.</b><br />
<b>Love for the one who has rescued and redeemed us,</b><br />
<b>who has made all new, who will restore the earth</b><br />
<b>and all of creation when He is revealed to all. </b><br />
<b>Oh that that day would be tomorrow. glimpses of </b><br />
<b>unity, i long for more of these. i am understanding</b><br />
<b>more that his fiery love consumes all. i am</b><br />
<b>taking down simplistic and narrow minded beliefs</b><br />
<b>that his love is unable, and so weak to truly</b><br />
<b>allow us to live tied down. Has he not set us free.</b><br />
<b>are we free or are we slaves, slaves in our mind it seems to be.</b><br />
<b> but if we believe and </b><br />
<b>see ourselves in darkness and despair we shall</b><br />
<b>remain prisoners there. </b><br />
<b> even worse, we see each other in a light of performance and </b><br />
<b>regulations. oh that we would understand love,</b><br />
<b>teach us, Oh sweet Master. I can't believe that</b><br />
<b>His love could leave us and fail us at all. He</b><br />
<b>is all for me, inside of me, I am perfect.</b><br />
<b> I have become light,</b><br />
<b>come see me shine. i shine here and now in these poorly</b><br />
<b>made,sterile, square walls. I find peace and joy</b><br />
<b>all in all. I delight myself in His love, for me.</b><br />
<b>I dance triumphantly knowing He has infinitely </b><br />
<b>more magic and blessings to bestow lavishly on me.</b><br />
<b>On the farm, there are many new changes. I see</b><br />
<b>this all around me. Seasons come and nothing</b><br />
<b>changes. Seasons go and nothing remains. It is </b><br />
<b>all irrelevant, I suppose. If my eyes remain on</b><br />
<b>You all I see is light, dancing and bouncing from</b><br />
<b>here to there. All is light and all</b><br />
<b>other is darkness.</b>brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-37900941391602063892012-01-10T18:58:00.004-05:002012-01-10T19:05:42.873-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKTPn3-iXjHRgbTjh3jTZ277sgNzQ6E_-qRe86Qc5l_jElcgEVBM_JZfVXGZ07gUelToq4nvEqmTl29OcnIIiap18MMBW1peolu85hAltF_ExUP1fTcpogHzCj65QSPGMEez_z-zvzciV8/s1600/gggg.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKTPn3-iXjHRgbTjh3jTZ277sgNzQ6E_-qRe86Qc5l_jElcgEVBM_JZfVXGZ07gUelToq4nvEqmTl29OcnIIiap18MMBW1peolu85hAltF_ExUP1fTcpogHzCj65QSPGMEez_z-zvzciV8/s320/gggg.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5696157642765674882" border="0" /></a><br />A new post. A new season.<br /><br />I just want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let me remain in this place, oh thank you, My lord. I can't do anything. I can't do anything. All i want is to praise you. All I want is to be away with you. Alone with you. You are everything. You see me all. You know it all. You know it all. You know it alllllll. Oh my Lord what can I do but dance with you. We dance and we swing and we run and we run and we run and we fall and we roll down the hill until we stop. And we laugh. Oh how I laugh with you. You took my heavy burdens, you saved me from the grave. I am no longer helpless. I am hopeless no more. And I feel you press all around me, but I let you have all of me.<br /><br />Oh lets look at this child. My lord my heart rips from the grave. I come to life once again. It surges with pain from within. I suffocate and I run...take this pain. Let me love this pain. Let me embrace all that you have for me. In suffering and in joy...you are my hope and my home.<br />I dont see you. Not at all. I see failed dreams. I see my loss. I see me. And I need to see you. I need to see you. I need to love you, not love me. I need to lift you up as I lose sight of me. I fall away. I will not be silent, I will sing. I will not be silent, I will cry. I will bellow from my inner most parts....set me free! love set me free. love is this key. love set me free.<br />I am freeeeeeeeeeeee. I sing. I dance. You can't hold back this passion from me. There is no quiet. I must and shall be free. All day I can praise you. All day I can devote to you. All of me I can give you. I give you. I give you. I am afraid, but only for a moment. I look to your face. OH how you love me. OH how you provide for me. Oh how you have sheltered me from death. You, You you you who are nameless and formless. You who are everything. I am coming alive. I must write. I must pour forth. All day long I give myself to you. I will not be silent. I am sick. I am hungry. I am stuffed with the fat of the land. I am starving for you.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-84665922454187392112009-01-17T21:48:00.002-05:002009-01-17T22:05:14.043-05:00Prayer. The lack of. The need for.I am still unsure of what just happened. I am still amazed at my life.<br /><br />I have been depressed for such a long while now. Mostly money. I hate worrying and thinking about money. However there comes a point where whether you want it to or not it catches up with you. It caught up with me. The lack of. Debt. Bills. Unable to make enough money. Unsure of what to do or if I should be here. Constant mental break downs and stress.<br /><br />This Christmas was a bit of an amazement like last years. Poor. Unable to buy Elisha much...which really I don't mind because I don't think you should buy children mass amounts of presents. Not what it is about...but still a guilty feeling that I am not providing. I didn't have a chistmas tree...oh bother. My church paid a debt of mine. Blessing 1. Still stress. Unexpected generous gifts of money. Sarah's family taking us in. Getting Elisha his own tree to decorate. Buying him so many gifts, he was a bit too spoiled. It worked out.<br /><br />After Christmas I dreaded coming back to the city. Still unsure of what to do. Unable to get a job to cover expenses. Having to move from the studio with no kitchen to far away West Philly. Feeling angry with the community for not wanting to live with Elisha. Feeling angry in general. Marlee stepped in and is moving with us. It is still far away. But I feel that with Marlee it doesn't really matter how far I am.<br /><br />Then these past few weeks unexpected bills, car insurance, and crap coming up out of nowhere. One after another. Yesterday was most likely the worst. Parking tickets, the realization that my insurance ended, getting pulled over for no reason, bad conversation with someone about money and living situations, feeling scared of people, cell phone went crazy, on and on and on. I cried so much last night. Frustated. I can't provide for Elisha. Wishing someone else would raise him because I feel like I'm not making it. Stress. Overwhelming crying and shaking. Talking to Marlee about G-d. Not really any relationship there. Not believing or feeling like he/she cares. No praying...because really, does G-d even answer prayers. If I have a real problem and pray and you don't answer I will feel bitterness and disbelief. In some random statement last night I said, Dear G-d, Please give me - numbe of money, thanks," in a very sarcastic and bitter manner.<br /><br />Today went better. Finally picked up knitting. Moved into new house. Not sure who would help. Kim came and I ran into Marco who I barely know and he offered to come. It was amazing that I found him. He was telling me how he was praying beforehand to be able to be helpful today. Then he found me and felt like his prayers were answered. I dropped Kim off and Marco was able to help me finish moving. If he didn't come I wouldn't have been able to get it finished. We talked a lot about praying. About G-d. My fears and bitterness. He talked about how great praying was. Just in everyday life. Talking to G-d about everything. Real things. Like being mad at him. Things that aren't pretty of fuzzy. He quoted bible dudes in a general casual manner that made it sound less like someone preaching to you. About Peter feeling like he was being burned and crushed from all sides. All to cast his fears and troubles on G-d. So much of this. This information that I know. Somehow I've forgotten. The refining. The promise that it isn't going to be easy, you will suffer, but the difference of knowing Christ is that you can still have joy and peace. Well I don't have that peace. Oh, I also don't pray or talk to Christ. hm....At the end of this Marco gave me a new journal to write prayers in. Encouraged me beyond belief and gave me much to think about. And then handed me a check for the amount that I had jokingly asked G-d for the previous night. I don't deserve it. I don't know if I can accept it. But I do know that G-d loves me. That he hears me. That he cares. That there is something at work in our lives, something like perfect timing, and his own Will. So I give up now. Give up the fight to do things myself. To plan my life on my own terms. It will take work. But I'd like to let G-d lead. I'd encouage anyone who may read this to try.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-36634211855667144652008-12-17T13:31:00.002-05:002008-12-17T13:36:33.315-05:00a bit off course.I'd like for things to be different here. In my living situations, relationships, job, hobbies, mind.<br /><br /><br />depression is a weird thing.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-6706039796797297622008-11-29T16:33:00.002-05:002008-11-29T16:58:00.969-05:00"I spy with my eye something quite rivery"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmN2Yp9LABBKiCrUq14Ymd-2gE3CjtphBL5qadUDv-RZXkY9bEq2IEWszmesm9zQyiEkBz8AQXkDShgBkBtvpRLxdFMj_Pg9mp2rkyp-A_cpD_wwrQ1pkXzY0e6JgErwT0FOdTmLKHMWNr/s1600-h/mail.google.com3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 221px; height: 166px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmN2Yp9LABBKiCrUq14Ymd-2gE3CjtphBL5qadUDv-RZXkY9bEq2IEWszmesm9zQyiEkBz8AQXkDShgBkBtvpRLxdFMj_Pg9mp2rkyp-A_cpD_wwrQ1pkXzY0e6JgErwT0FOdTmLKHMWNr/s320/mail.google.com3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274202111139089218" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrB8W1yXeO7mFxbSNcRi_6GIwyMFqxtRhtm9GEOVEPnC-3FzrroCZgnUs7Ygx3ypTExBuFJPhsJo6sxav_r2j3_JH4xqBhH5nuLxM2NmAlIW8LsteXstk0bCgZSXEugRMwq7BBWA08_27R/s1600-h/mail.google.com1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 221px; height: 166px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrB8W1yXeO7mFxbSNcRi_6GIwyMFqxtRhtm9GEOVEPnC-3FzrroCZgnUs7Ygx3ypTExBuFJPhsJo6sxav_r2j3_JH4xqBhH5nuLxM2NmAlIW8LsteXstk0bCgZSXEugRMwq7BBWA08_27R/s320/mail.google.com1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274202048733464802" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8zjRnYK-onVb5PF3qfsvj5fCeMBi5Q4RYepjAnOZKkB8LOr9_IQdd_EPfHp5ZOAHvXT33WAqxA_xg2m0ZOy_FAWY4Y7RXibhR1oz8KtiPodubNUIbAm_R1Dkzw2YLUvdZiJUqws2CqTwn/s1600-h/mail.google.com2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 221px; height: 166px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8zjRnYK-onVb5PF3qfsvj5fCeMBi5Q4RYepjAnOZKkB8LOr9_IQdd_EPfHp5ZOAHvXT33WAqxA_xg2m0ZOy_FAWY4Y7RXibhR1oz8KtiPodubNUIbAm_R1Dkzw2YLUvdZiJUqws2CqTwn/s320/mail.google.com2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274201962732697122" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNB5re2vMHNljGOf2MYGyAV1FDIHyS5qqnAh1OyxhBlGvYU4Ogxy13bVVYeRc1O1rXXXJn4aE0vzBmLUr186uCIJA8e0Hdd9TubD6bCos1Rv7NRC2QdBMsxUWgOx5krgmSyiplACUYRX2u/s1600-h/mail.google.com.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 221px; height: 166px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNB5re2vMHNljGOf2MYGyAV1FDIHyS5qqnAh1OyxhBlGvYU4Ogxy13bVVYeRc1O1rXXXJn4aE0vzBmLUr186uCIJA8e0Hdd9TubD6bCos1Rv7NRC2QdBMsxUWgOx5krgmSyiplACUYRX2u/s320/mail.google.com.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274201453961091138" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFVGy8oQ9_uiwhjwPhdLOrd1ZjkbvMIWFIfSTe1EFu_HLJ17FdZ9Ea2tYkKNzkIx2U9wSipdtlazGpUK7ES_OpYuzmi-s-cKBr93Uc9jEUdK8Rl4CLhBmWNpQrimmgF0rlrTjCq3YQnv4J/s1600-h/mail.google.com1.jpg"><br /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">A list of Thanks</span><br /><br /></span></span><ul><li><span style="font-family:webdings;"></span><span style="font-style: italic;">Elisha, my beautiful son, for constantly reflecting to me what love looks like. For teaching my patience, even when it is unwanted. For constantly being my biggest fan and sweetest boy. For loving me despite my mistakes. For making life so much more joyful.</span></li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">For my dear friends. Karen, Marlee, Malory, Sarah, Kim, Nelly, and so on. For loving me. Sacrificing for me, sharing with me, taking me in and supporting my decisions, for laughter and the serious moments that bond us together.</span></li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">For my family far away. For feeling close despite the distance.</span></li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">For my church.<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">For my future.<br /></span></li></ul><span style="font-style: italic;">For my life.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;">For Thanksgiving this year we came to Lancaster, Pa with my friend Sarah Mueller. Lancaster is a beautiful area a few hours outside of Philadelphia. It is where a good amount of the amish live and drive horse and buggy cars around. It is so nice to be outside of the city. I am not in complete wilderness by any means, but it is fantastic to see trees outside. I love Sarah's family. Her grandparents are in town from Maryland and Elisha is quite fond of them from the time we had spent together during the summer at their pool. We had great meals and got to be pampered by Sarah's step-mother and grand-mother. The sweetest people. I had an amazing conversation with this new grandmother who came to the us from Cuba in her teens. We talked for a long time about her travels and her life. It was so nice to have the older generations around. I really miss having this part of life around. It reminded me that I want to raise Elisha in the country. However, it also made me aware of how much time I have. It also made me miss my grandmother who passed away almost two years ago. I thought of her a lot on Thanksgiving. I missed her and I missed my home land. I've been having a lot of weird moments lately as I wrote before. The newest and most occurring is my memories. Very random things are triggering memories from when I was a young child. Good and happy memories. Travels with my grandparents to different states mostly. The strange thing is how often this is happening. A couple times a day. Very vivid memories. Memories I have not had since they happened. It is overwhelming actually. Too much of the past. and when I get to the point in the memory where I can't move forward and remember the entire event I get frustrated. I don't know.<br /><br />Anyways, I am still in Lancaster. Sarah's dad Dr. Gary and Elisha have hit it off. Today while Sarah was busy Gary, his wife, Elisha, and I went to a beautiful state park and hiked around. It was lovely. In a little bit Elisha and Gary are going to build a bon-fire and cook hot dogs. I think Johnny Rashid is coming over soon which will be great.<br /><br />I really want a family. A big one. This weekend has increased my desire for a home, a family, and a place in the woods.<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></div></div>brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-75929342150970121102008-11-16T22:20:00.002-05:002008-11-16T22:42:12.330-05:00even tiny ants must sleep<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaO67Xr8GbSm7f3CRLnVuBlQ2iBiFmL1rqkMAf_x7hIxJTCceXF9jEtcQEMFJPHzLsq4_rDkDEccMHDq0EKdmIkfGrAEKm8e579bL_0zYzCEaBaf_HYt_k1tIjIoXZG_wYyaWe9YAE8JLf/s1600-h/clark.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaO67Xr8GbSm7f3CRLnVuBlQ2iBiFmL1rqkMAf_x7hIxJTCceXF9jEtcQEMFJPHzLsq4_rDkDEccMHDq0EKdmIkfGrAEKm8e579bL_0zYzCEaBaf_HYt_k1tIjIoXZG_wYyaWe9YAE8JLf/s320/clark.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5269466664640944946" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWSJxjh-FKX-y2Odp46bClwuLjnyMOks0LJR0OSp3Iotp37FfSNisHwwVNW-YK9uN5pDptACT2tEPW6ocg_I9jlXUuYvYSKpIzJ4eb5jHtG4t6Jgn6x8YhfLVMLbacTx-05IR9YH1okalW/s1600-h/green.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 190px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWSJxjh-FKX-y2Odp46bClwuLjnyMOks0LJR0OSp3Iotp37FfSNisHwwVNW-YK9uN5pDptACT2tEPW6ocg_I9jlXUuYvYSKpIzJ4eb5jHtG4t6Jgn6x8YhfLVMLbacTx-05IR9YH1okalW/s320/green.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5269466530370022594" /></a><br /><br />Everything runs in extremes.<br />Country. City. Ocean. Shit hole. Lots of people with little sleep. Little people with lots of sleep.<br />Or maybe that is just how I interpret everything around me and inside me.<br /><br />I think that is why I am going crazy, or have been crazy.<br /><br />I spent my first day at home in West Philly today. I somehow convinced Elisha to sleep in. We made breakfast burritos, he is extremely into helping me cook. We fumbled around the house. Played trains, drums, cleaned, and then went for a walk to the green line cafe and clark park. <br />We played with leaves. Saw Mike Weiss and Penny. An Egyptian man with a son who goes to Elisha's school. We talked about Egypt and he kept calling Elisha a girl. We went home and rearranged, fought about nap time, and a friend came to visit. <br />So..West Philly was nice...but I am at that point again where I feel out of my mind.<br /><br /><br /><br />It is not entirely my fault. I will blame it on the randomness thats been floating around my brain for the past week or so. I keep having strange dreams. I wake up and will have the hardest time trying to figure out if they were dreams because I swear it happened. That keeps happening along with memories of the past that I feel like I've never had before. Oh and the fact that I see at least 3 people a day that I swear are people I know from California, and not even close friends...just people. Like this strange force is trying to blur my memories and lines between the two places I know. Merging them into one lump of confusion and familiarity. What does this all mean? Why is everyone so familiar. Why are so many people coming up that I haven't thought of in years. Why do I miss people so intensely? It won't be there at all and then one day it is like I can't breathe or function properly without these people in my life. I miss Eva and Elliot. I miss Amanda and the boys. I miss the Wahls. I miss Leanne and her boys. I miss them so dearly and it makes me cry to think about. I can't go back there again. It couldn't last that long anyways. I just love being with them. Because I hate being alone so badly. Because I love to mesh my family with theirs. To have constant interaction with people that are focused on children. I miss being open enough with people to show them my impersonations, make videos of my crazy song playing, baking, creating, crafting, exercising, craziness. Fuck. Why couldnt everyday be filled with that. Why the hell did I have to work all the time and go out of my mind. Why is living somewhere so difficult and now I can't stay in one house longer than 4 months. How long does it take to remake these connections? Are there people are boring yet funny as those that I left. bluasldfkjalsjfajdslfj. My life. I feel boring to people that don't have children. I make up for it and am left tired, run-down, guilty. It is hard to relate and hang out often with people without children. Do you find that hard or just me? I think it is hard. Our lives are so different. I wake up every morning around 6. Everything I do has to have something for Elisha to do...but it can be fun when looked at with the right attitude. I just think that attitude comes when you also have a child. What am i getting at? I don't know. Im just typing what has been floating in my brain. I feel unhappy that I am not doing things im passionate about. Parenting, gardening, crafting, sewing, baking, learning new sustainable living skills, reading, exploring, hiking, etc. I am trying to get there. Tomorrow I am working on the garden. I don't know what else. Tonight I looked at Seattle's craigslist and Portland. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks. I wonder if this will be a problem. <br /><br />im not a big fan of myself lately.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-18936280135815156902008-11-10T08:46:00.004-05:002008-11-10T08:58:46.424-05:00Oh the milk cow, catch her by her tail.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIWD0a2I5hNPp3ucEIgQSXlnn8dYLpuKkEAEqGlgMyj5Hb-7_fSCalwW9apLgk197GW7spbfawZfM3uy5FZxLAIHaI_8RHSvBUm6xyfC8xbRJsVaH2oKzMle8tRarkSCQp40iou0sXYHuM/s1600-h/farm6.JPG"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIWD0a2I5hNPp3ucEIgQSXlnn8dYLpuKkEAEqGlgMyj5Hb-7_fSCalwW9apLgk197GW7spbfawZfM3uy5FZxLAIHaI_8RHSvBUm6xyfC8xbRJsVaH2oKzMle8tRarkSCQp40iou0sXYHuM/s320/farm6.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5267027984456394498" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrmvLchNHJN2l-BfCLxVu0N56r7e3rccmIgNtjADULirutLLhK5ntijATlnbBEAI1E0XcbkpQdJI-Vptvqg0CXIxKHGLbuZhINTMm3gppdQSfQouN6pXGr52s9K5ywg6x1cX1YQLa4NZ2i/s1600-h/elisha.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrmvLchNHJN2l-BfCLxVu0N56r7e3rccmIgNtjADULirutLLhK5ntijATlnbBEAI1E0XcbkpQdJI-Vptvqg0CXIxKHGLbuZhINTMm3gppdQSfQouN6pXGr52s9K5ywg6x1cX1YQLa4NZ2i/s320/elisha.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5267027841230360594" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1guFZCvZpgR-BrhaAXBMNstPUTeOtGxl0j7yg1agZ2AFsTviGTw12Y9MmWvXxO3U75lDfVLwmVdtFnsrGcXk7f8wrHvAIuF4IryQ9EWo1RdHFsMt10MdqB_lFy-xqA_-Dj6d0xGdudDx0/s1600-h/eeee.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1guFZCvZpgR-BrhaAXBMNstPUTeOtGxl0j7yg1agZ2AFsTviGTw12Y9MmWvXxO3U75lDfVLwmVdtFnsrGcXk7f8wrHvAIuF4IryQ9EWo1RdHFsMt10MdqB_lFy-xqA_-Dj6d0xGdudDx0/s320/eeee.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5267027717130175842" /></a><br /><br /> <span style="font-weight:bold;"></span><br /><br /> I am cold so often. Trying to move from Kensington to West Philly has almost seemed impossible. However, I slept here in the construction apartment for the first night. It was freezing and I was lonely for neighbors and friends so near. Today I will have to explore the nearby trees to make up for the missing people.<br /><br />While sitting on Mueller's stoop yesterday with Marlee and Josh, Elisha started telling us amazing things. He told me that he had a sister named Aserita...<br /><br />Elisha "Aserita is my girl"<br /><br />Marlee "what, who's aserita"<br /><br />Elisha "she's my girl, my sister"<br /><br />Marlee "is she pretty"<br /><br />Elisha "yeah, i like girls....I'm going to make a pile of girls"<br /><br />There was much more of this conversation that I cannot remember but was crazy and made me cry. <br /><br />Later in the car he told me his sister's full name is Aserita Sensa and he has a brother named Esse Cocoa Tutu. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I just got some pictures back from Carina from a trip we took a few weeks back to Linvilla Orchards. I was extremely excited to go visit a farm and had expected it to be like a nearby orchard/farm/gift shop from California. This was not like the one at home and was more like a home depot, walmart, big bargain tourist attraction with fruits and vegetables thrown in. I think I was most disgusted that in their food court, instead of having local fresh food from their farm, they were serving french fries, fried onion rings, fried mushrooms, fried toe-nails, and so on. Seriously...you are on a farm with so much available and you are serving food that is not real and has been shipped from so far away.<br />Whatever, Elisha liked the hay ride and it was nice to see some trees.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-58044358545114970412008-11-08T16:15:00.002-05:002008-11-08T16:35:05.336-05:00I have returned to the blogHello Friends,<br /><br />I remembered today after conversations and viewings of others blogs that I myself have one and have neglected it. Hello Blog. How have you been? What is new with you...did you lurk on my space and wonder what went wrong between us. Did you cry and leave open space waiting to have your pages filled with my amazing ideas and thoughts about life. <br /><br />Well, I didn't think much about you. I lived life in California which was random and crazy and filled with lots of jobs and moving about. After a while I settled into a cute little house with Elisha near the beach and got a full time "real" job in an office working the daily grind. This job kept me indoors and without windows for the majority of the day. I would come home in the evening and have a few hours of the day to enjoy the house I was working to pay for but never in. At this point I went a bit nuts. Working to pay for a house that you can't be in because you have to work to have it sort of life is not healthy. At least not for me. So once the itch set it I of course went with it and planned on leaving on a road trip across the country and would end up where the wind took me. <br /><br />The road trip was amazing...if I ever get the pictures from Amy I will post them and show you all the beautiful sights of the land. I wanted to live so many places. Oregon, Washington, Montana, Wyoming...breath taking scenery. Elisha and my friend Amy came with me. We had much fun sleeping in our cars under on the sides of mountains and under trees with rivers rushing by. One night we almost froze in Yellowstone. We ended up at PAPA fest (people against poverty and apathy). It was great fun reuniting with many Philly friends, making new friends, camping on a farm, bathing in a creek, and enlightening my mind with good conversations and workshops. I visited Philly after that for a few weeks then left and volunteered on an organic farm with WWOOF in IL. It was an interesting experience. A lot of what I had expected and was talked about changed. Elisha and I ended up sleeping on a tent in the hottest summer months. I milked goats, collected chicken eggs, weeded, tilled, made soap, etc...Now that is is over I can say it was a good experience although it was painful and hard to get through. I was supposed to move to the MO with Mallory after that and live in our friends strawbale house for a few months...this fell through due to Elisha freaking out, perhaps he is not so into traveling and roaming yet. So we ended up back in Philadelphia...<br /><br />We are here at present. Have moved around and will be settling into our 4th living situation since July. This is also a bit temporary. I think I have a problem committing to a home...I am at least at a point where I don't want to leave the city quite yet or the state. Although I do still dream of woods, mountains, rivers, and farm life. I am trying to make my way towards that life. Learn what I can through books and growing while here. I have a greater appreciation for my friends here in the city and for the city in general. I am excited to be relocating to West Philly...I think it will be a good switch for me. More trees, families, space. I want to learn a lot of musical instruments. Dulcimer, hammered dulcimer, autoharp, jews harp, ocarina, bowed psaltry, and the piano. Oh boy! <br /><br />I am making a lot of new friends. I am enjoying this interactions. I love fall. I am constantly amazing about the colors of the trees. It is like my insides are smiling. Trees usually make that happen but its a new sensation to see blocks of land changed with color. <br /><br />anyways, blog, that is my story in a shortened version. I will write again soon. With less writing and more randomness.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5069794354692539154.post-58792020821339924092007-08-05T19:16:00.000-05:002007-08-05T19:40:17.423-05:00open heartsWell...I now call California home once more. It has been interesting adjusting to the different culture, climate, and crap. I found myself stumbling and unsure of my decision to switch coasts. All of the things I had missed about California were forgotten, and all of the things I had complained about in Philadelphia were now sought after treasures that I desired to have in my life. It is funny how I do that. Idealize different places, situations, and people. At least I am aware that I do that and can now take a step back and try and focus on the reality of things. There are great things about both places. Things that I treasure in the deepest places of my heart, lessons that I have learned, and relationships that I will never let go of. I do not regret either decision. I am glad I went and am now glad to be back. I know that I am different...as I will be next week. I change all the time, we all do, but I know that a big change happened living across the country. Experiencing a new life, new struggles, new joys. I love that. I thank God for all of the brothers and sisters I know and have yet to meet. I registered for classes the other day. It was stressful and overwhelming, only because I let it be, but I feel so good that it is done now. I will be going full time and taking back classes that I will need later to transfer. Math, Psych, Nutr, and an Illustrator class. It will be a pretty crazy life but I feel that this is the first time I could handle such a load, and even look forward to it. I will try and get a job part time...perhaps at a coffee shop or at tjs working nights. For now I am at home but hopefully will be in AG and closer to everything that I am doing. Elisha is doing well. Our relationship has been much better being back. I am less stressed out and feel much more able to focus positive attention on him. It has been nice for him to also have his own room and have more space in general. We are often outside running around in backyards or out at the beach rolling in sand. I feel so free and alive being outdoors with the cool coastal wind dancing at my feet. I sometimes have moments where all I want is to be back in Philly with my family their. To be sitting outside in the hot sticky weather and wait with anticipation for the night to arrive. It is so strange to now have two homes. I have had to learn what it is like to miss people on the west and now on the east. I really will try and come out in the Fall. I would love to see the trees change color and visit with you dear friends again. As soon as I have a break from school I will try and venture out. I welcome any of you to come and visit me...although I may be a bit busy.<br /><br />new thought: I am sitting at one of my closest friends house and just read a message that made me think quite a bit about friends... I realized how easy it is for me to take my friendships with people for granted. Especially when it is someone that I am extremely comfortable with and have known for a long time. Lately I treat the people that I am supposed to be the closest with with very little care. I have less patience and love. I speak with a sharp tongue and a very bratty attitude. It is how you would see sisters acting...(at least how I think sisters act). anywho...I just realized how completely amazing that is. I sat and thought about how much I love my friends. How important they are to me, how lacking my life would be without them, and how much I missed their presence when they were away from me. Life is so short. Time is so precious. Things that I know but forget. I want to make sure that I actively love the people that I love. To treasure them and reflect on how beautiful God has made them.To rejoice in their, and our, differences in ideas and personalities. I want to consider my words and actions and strive to put others before myself. I want to lay down my life for my brothers and sisters. <br /><br />I guess im a bit emotional.<br /><br />I miss you in Philly and I look forward to seeing those in CA that I have yet to spend time with.<br /><br />G-D Bless.brandi leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00794314436902664055noreply@blogger.com0