Trailer demolition.
We prepare to head north for the month of october.
Yota Mira is in rapid transformatiom
As is my family
Joy
Peace
Bliss
Love
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The farm life
Monday, September 17, 2012
when you sleep, i speak.
this computer is about to die.
a game i played in the midnight toll.
the stars weren't aware that I wanted a late night stroll.
Kittens make your mischief
on your make shift tree
my frustration
this communication
our relation
your glorification
no unification
waiting satisfaction
delayed gratification
wearisome tribulation
awaited transfiguration
undone damnation
my purification
completion
Friday, August 24, 2012
how all these faces they adore you, so the blessings they pour out on you.
This life is so amazing. Some days I can hardly breathe from the beauty that is pressing in on me. All around us. All around us.
May our hearts be content and at peace as we rest in this infinite love that surrounds us.
On a ranch, in an olive grove, under a tree that made a canopy for you and for me. the light shown through the leaves that you would trim away to make more room. room to grow. i hiked the land and searched and found treasures up and down. i sat way up high in an old oak tree grove. the leaves were thick and carpeted the land. crunch, crunch, crunch. the ants and I took our moments here. Two bouquets were picked. How can one walk by the most wonderfully designed flowers and overlook them, or tread upon them, nay i will gather some small remains and arrange them. Bringing glory, constantly. I saw the bridal cabin. This was a lovely touch. Talked business. Have been soaking up the favor and the blessings in having so many connections to source from for my ideas. I feel that the launch will be soon. All good things are coming towards me. All good things I need and those I don't fall by the way side. You shall gather and reap when it is harvest time. Here at the vineyard harvest time shall be Monday. I have been sampling the fresh pressed Sauv Blanc. Delicious. I got the count on the blocks right today at the work meeting. Tasting those sugars Brandi, way to go. I am excited to leave this desk. I have not been feeling well for sometime now. Tomorrow is Bee keeping class day. My friend from the farm is coming with me. Then we will go to my work party at one of the owners house. The next day we will hike with the assistant wine maker to a hot spring...my friend is going to try and use tubs and tubes and the sun to force the cold air out of the hot spring and put hot water back in. We are also going to see the spring with some sort of clay. This will be a fun project. So much today. So much to say. Lets give thanks. What else. All moments are coming together. I am looking for odd and strange instruments to start playing.
Hoping for a mirage.
You'll see.
Oh, to dance and be free. To move like you need.
Monday, August 20, 2012
watch my fall apart, only love, show my your heart.
okay. so the trip also had a main theme.. Galilee. First time back in the community after being gone for four years. After my death and life. After I changed. After the birth of my daughter Galilee. That some family in the community knew about and then others did not. And it was so sweet. Because I so love to have her a part of my community. And that was something that was really hard for me was that they didn't know. They didn't know me and they didn't she was alive and just any of my life. I was so blessed by how many did know. And the amazing and beautiful and intimate moments I got to share with them all. I love my friends and family in Philadelphia. I need more words. Words like how I feel safe with them. I feel valued. I feel like I be myself.. in a way different from here in CA. Because my relationships and the nature of how people live and what they believe and how they love and interact is very different there and yet surprisingly always the same. So it was good. I had some good one on ones and little pod, group sessions of sharing hearts, laughing hysterically, watching elisha spin dj records and rock out, dancing with a friend, smoking, etc. Even here I want to omit that part about smoking. But it happened. it was real.
I have in fact dreamed about most of this. No joke. I dream about Philadelphia all the time. Well often. One of my most reoccurring dream places and its been for the last 5 years. And so many of the things and themes of my dreams have and are happening. Which is really quite normal. Because as I have already been saying God is always around us and loving us. At that time I needed dreams. At this time I choose not to but they weren't getting interpreted so they really were becoming confusing. I miss my friends so much on the East coast. I really may want to live there again soon. I dont know if that would be temporary, long term visits, or full time for 10er. Woah. So thats there too. But I have so many plans and they are mostly here.
anyways.
goodnight again.
peace and joy to youall.
I have in fact dreamed about most of this. No joke. I dream about Philadelphia all the time. Well often. One of my most reoccurring dream places and its been for the last 5 years. And so many of the things and themes of my dreams have and are happening. Which is really quite normal. Because as I have already been saying God is always around us and loving us. At that time I needed dreams. At this time I choose not to but they weren't getting interpreted so they really were becoming confusing. I miss my friends so much on the East coast. I really may want to live there again soon. I dont know if that would be temporary, long term visits, or full time for 10er. Woah. So thats there too. But I have so many plans and they are mostly here.
anyways.
goodnight again.
peace and joy to youall.
come on, love.
I want to cover Ben Howard's song Only love. Doesn't have to send anything like how its played. So I need help. Just a prayer. Out there. YES.
moments of bliss. then there was this...
I came home to mi madre! So Excited! As the exclamation mark depicts a few times...anyways.
I am rapidly loosing my many and many thoughts and ideas and letters i would love to be writing to friends or to facebook or in some outlet so that I might be able to know that I have given my love away as seemed fitting and while it dwells within it burns and consumes until that fiery love must give birth and deliver its message. i have no need for it to be returned. more like.. i am observing this desire within myself lately and understanding myself more. non-attachments. neh. i traveled the entire day today. I don't know what time zone my body is on....I never adjusted, just slept a whole lot less for some days and a whole lot more on others. Ah, Bliss. wonderful is this life and its delightful surprises behind every, every, every single millisecond that passes us in a day. I would like to say something. I believe that in my life personally, but of course( because whom else could I speak for but my own experience?), I have noticed that when I am faced with the hardest shit known to human kind and humiliated, feeling my worst, hating everything, hating others, hating church, etc....those times when I have accepted it and dove head first into this fear, this idea, this object, this person that was once inside me that was a sweet little lady love, this poverty, this trauma, this violation, this wrong, this acceptance, this forgiveness, this salvation, this sweet intimacy with Jesus, Spirit, God....in such unique ways each, this joy, this peace, this pain, these scars, this heart, when it is all upside and inside out and doesn't make any sense how anything could ever good come of what I am in and it seems like the worst idea to make I say yes and then...!!!! this was what I was actually getting at, is how I have come to a place of being able to let go. Let go of myself. This is called surrender to some folks. Let go of my fear.s I let go of my pride. I let go of the image I've created for myself for forever up until the moment which is a tangent I wont head into, this pain...again, blah, but I received. I learned to receive. I have been shown more love than I have ever known. Through God. Everyday. In every every single moment in every way. He is always there with each and Every single one of You. Sometimes we can't see well but we don't want to get glasses right away....why? I dunno you tell me? Image? You don't want to see clearly? Money? What if you really didn't want to see clearly! that'd be a hoot. What if you couldn't hear all the way? What If you wouldn't get an earpiece because it was....too expensive? ugly? annoying? uhhhh? So, in love,my point is that sometimes we actually may, or may not, choose to allow ourselves to suffer because ........ ?
I have been here. Not wanting to see clearly. Not wanting to feel. Not wanting to care. Not wanting to live.Not wanting to suffer...but then still knowing that inevitably we all suffer. We will suffer. We have to suffer. Shoot I rejoice in suffering these days. More and more I am trying. I have grown the most in this letting go of fear and letting in love. It is scary as hell. Haha. hahaha. oh man. Risky. Dangerous. Sounds like better than what everybody elses doing and playing it safe. I am risky business. not. oooo business.
back to my road trip home.
My mom was being so sweet. We haven't spent alone time together in.....................................
yeah.
Because her boyfriend, my step dad?, Steve, is always with her...or one of my sisters...or...
So it was really nice and a little bit awkward for me in the beginning. I love my mom. Yay. She came and got me and is so lovely. We sang songs and she taught my things about California I never knew before. Ah. Duh, how did I forget that one. Man, I have so many ideas running through my head getting home. That is one of the reasons I needed to write, though, I don't think I will write about it all on this forum. But I was telling my mom about a handful of the things I was thinking about and she had some good ideas and connections and started ebaying and goggling the things I would need. That was so great to have her support and excitement about what I was planning and dreaming up. I so need that enthusiasm and excitement of another person in what I am doing. I guess I dont need but I enjoy it.
Got home finally. Drove an old route home hwy 154 through Los Padres National Forest. I am not sure why I have not been here sooner. I have had so many times Ive been researching places to explore around here and take Elisha on hikes and out in nature...I only ventured south once and it was to Soquoi Falls or something in Santa Ynez. So this new place has painted caves and I believe theres a hike to a natural hot spring somewhere out there and red rock which is this amazing river I used to go to with my family when I was young with massive boulders to side on and jump in the river....(at least when its deep, ya know how it goes). Excited about these new adventures. My mom and I talked wine talk today. More so about wineries she knew but I took the conversation to the vineyards and got some good talk going on how the grapes are grown etc...I dont know too much yet but I ask questions and was surprised at the amount of information ive retained and picked up the past 4 or months at the winery. this is good news. It is good to always learn new things. Many things. thats my problem. the other reason I was on the blog was because I was frustrated I couldn't write to my very lovely and dearest friend in all the world whom I miss so much already and I haven't even been apart from her for a full 24 hours. Dang. And my phone won't work. This computer is against me and won't allow me to go on Facebook or check my Gmail. No joke. But maybe the computer is in actuality for me and not against me. For all things are for me, and indeed for my good. and I really have no NEED to go on either of those. Tomorrow I work. Wooaisduflajfljsf. That will be good. I hope all is well. Blessings be to the world place and the Owners and all people and especially the feild workers who are working so hard now during harvest time. May the harvest be plentiful and the wine be good!
Hallejulah!
So I wanted to write this dear friend of mine a love, thank you, bless you, I need to share my honest emotions and heart with you, how are you, this is what's happened, let us share words, note..
etc....this was all to be in the letter. but now as I write these things I think...perhaps, you already know that I would say them. Sometimes words may be many, many times word should be few. Let us love with our actions and more with our do that with that which we spew with our lips what is false and untrue.
I will come home. He can come too. Yall can go hither. Ill be anon. You raise the cannon and come southern dawn. Awake no winter. Let sun warm you all. Lets dance little children. Hes loved us all well. Dance brother autumn. Let winds bring you closer. I'll be sleeping still.
It is amazing what honesty will do. The truth will kill...every false pretense and judgement placed upon your head. It will burn until scarlet is red and these chosen see a bit of you, you Jesus. You sweet and gentle one who asks of all and begs of none. You lowly one, down in the dirt sweaty and tending. You come now and you wash my feet. Such love...I shiver now to think, nay know, it so. So long to run in circles but to abandon all is bliss. To be known forever and eternity as always as this.
I am
my beloveds.
and
my beloved is
mine.
Pretty good thing the theme of my life is tattooed on my chest, eh. haha. santa maria eh, rather than a Canadian eh. for anyone who would ever know what I was referring to you you would probably chuckle right there.
So good night world. I have emptied enough of my chest to sleep well for work tomorrow. Then I can try again and connect with the outside world. Just remain calm, the inside is at peace within.
Love you. Bless you all so. If anyone dared read this entire story I applaud you. I am deleriously tired and physical and mental exhausting may be happening. BTW. What I also need to applaud is Mothers. Dear Lord, I love you. I love that you made women to be so amazing, so strong, so selfless, so talented, so generous, so passionate, so brave, so sensitive, so needed. You have made women and gifted and blessed them. We give life. you give life. it does make sense why we are hated by the forces that be. But I have watched and observed so many various women this trip in my friend group and in the city and on the train and I am just amazed. Watching them carry strollers and children and bags up flights of stairs and travel and wake up early and in the night and clean and cook and work and some do it completely alone and those women are like super hero ninjas. But you also should ask them about their lives. because as I am one of them...haha...I could tell you that I am blessed. That I get jobs that are impossible, or have never existed before and are created for me, or jobs that are strenuous and hard on my body but pay really well (organic house cleaning, cooking for large amounts of people outdoors, caring for children, etc). I get free cars. Yep. I have now had 2 cars been given to me for free. Because...God loves me. I have really hard crazy and wacky life circumstances, mostly and mainly because I make stupid decisions, and that mostly and mainly happens when I am choosing to not want to see but continue to suffer and hide and try to fix myself, but God has loved me even when I am doing that. Just always. All the time. Loving me. Loving you. Pouring it out. Pouring out just ...what...we ... need. Thats such a funny thing to say. Because We know (well kind of) that we need food and water and sleep and then theres that other list of emotional, physical, etc needs that I learned in my psych class last semester. But with many other things in our lives I think we do not at all know what we need. Because I think that we always have what we need. Which is hilarious that I am saying that right now. Or how I should phrase this is something more like what we need is always coming to us at always that precise moment in time and space when it should explode into reality in front of you. But you may want whatever that is to 1. look like how you want you need to look. or 2. want to see the good side of it happen now before we commit to saying yes to something that is not what we need. what I need. Is that important. Yes. I am important. Does God give me what I need? And if yes then is it always? I can only answer from the present moment but in this present moment I look around me and within me and I should say that I have everything I need. I think if the Lord gave me a present it would be a Lover. ya know, a husbbbbb. yep.
but I guess if this is where I am this I have everything I need. But I could very well be anywhere else in the entire world and have everything I need there too. Even if I left everything and took only my body and soul and spirit and my son's and we journeyed into the desert, the country, the woods, the mountains, the jungle, the beaches, the lakes, the rivers, the cities? I would have everything I needed there and anywhere else. This is the idea I am forming and working with believing entirely. That and to fully grasp and understand and live from a place of knowing, understanding, living in...experiencing God's love for me consistently and always in every moment and to never feel any bit of anxiousness or bitterness or fear. I noticed many flaws in my character on this trip and many places where I have grown. And as I look upon the places I still struggle I merely smile at myself and say ah I am still learning and this is no race...I am on the good and right path and I will not be rushed or thrown off course. I am just am loved by AM in this moment as in the moments when I may or may not be freed from mental patterns and blocks ive acquired through the years and lies of believed as truths for so long. I do believe and hope there will be a time when all is lost and forgotten as I star at my makers face and I am perfect as He is perfect. Oh! ! ! I am perfect as He is perfect. hahahah. So amazing.
Goodnight...Thats the blessing. you are just as amazing as Jesus. He is in you and you him....you are thus perfect. Light. My own personal beliefs and experiences. Do not try this at home or be angry for voicing me thoughts. I love yours and our differences so write up.
I am rapidly loosing my many and many thoughts and ideas and letters i would love to be writing to friends or to facebook or in some outlet so that I might be able to know that I have given my love away as seemed fitting and while it dwells within it burns and consumes until that fiery love must give birth and deliver its message. i have no need for it to be returned. more like.. i am observing this desire within myself lately and understanding myself more. non-attachments. neh. i traveled the entire day today. I don't know what time zone my body is on....I never adjusted, just slept a whole lot less for some days and a whole lot more on others. Ah, Bliss. wonderful is this life and its delightful surprises behind every, every, every single millisecond that passes us in a day. I would like to say something. I believe that in my life personally, but of course( because whom else could I speak for but my own experience?), I have noticed that when I am faced with the hardest shit known to human kind and humiliated, feeling my worst, hating everything, hating others, hating church, etc....those times when I have accepted it and dove head first into this fear, this idea, this object, this person that was once inside me that was a sweet little lady love, this poverty, this trauma, this violation, this wrong, this acceptance, this forgiveness, this salvation, this sweet intimacy with Jesus, Spirit, God....in such unique ways each, this joy, this peace, this pain, these scars, this heart, when it is all upside and inside out and doesn't make any sense how anything could ever good come of what I am in and it seems like the worst idea to make I say yes and then...!!!! this was what I was actually getting at, is how I have come to a place of being able to let go. Let go of myself. This is called surrender to some folks. Let go of my fear.s I let go of my pride. I let go of the image I've created for myself for forever up until the moment which is a tangent I wont head into, this pain...again, blah, but I received. I learned to receive. I have been shown more love than I have ever known. Through God. Everyday. In every every single moment in every way. He is always there with each and Every single one of You. Sometimes we can't see well but we don't want to get glasses right away....why? I dunno you tell me? Image? You don't want to see clearly? Money? What if you really didn't want to see clearly! that'd be a hoot. What if you couldn't hear all the way? What If you wouldn't get an earpiece because it was....too expensive? ugly? annoying? uhhhh? So, in love,my point is that sometimes we actually may, or may not, choose to allow ourselves to suffer because ........ ?
I have been here. Not wanting to see clearly. Not wanting to feel. Not wanting to care. Not wanting to live.Not wanting to suffer...but then still knowing that inevitably we all suffer. We will suffer. We have to suffer. Shoot I rejoice in suffering these days. More and more I am trying. I have grown the most in this letting go of fear and letting in love. It is scary as hell. Haha. hahaha. oh man. Risky. Dangerous. Sounds like better than what everybody elses doing and playing it safe. I am risky business. not. oooo business.
back to my road trip home.
My mom was being so sweet. We haven't spent alone time together in.....................................
yeah.
Because her boyfriend, my step dad?, Steve, is always with her...or one of my sisters...or...
So it was really nice and a little bit awkward for me in the beginning. I love my mom. Yay. She came and got me and is so lovely. We sang songs and she taught my things about California I never knew before. Ah. Duh, how did I forget that one. Man, I have so many ideas running through my head getting home. That is one of the reasons I needed to write, though, I don't think I will write about it all on this forum. But I was telling my mom about a handful of the things I was thinking about and she had some good ideas and connections and started ebaying and goggling the things I would need. That was so great to have her support and excitement about what I was planning and dreaming up. I so need that enthusiasm and excitement of another person in what I am doing. I guess I dont need but I enjoy it.
Got home finally. Drove an old route home hwy 154 through Los Padres National Forest. I am not sure why I have not been here sooner. I have had so many times Ive been researching places to explore around here and take Elisha on hikes and out in nature...I only ventured south once and it was to Soquoi Falls or something in Santa Ynez. So this new place has painted caves and I believe theres a hike to a natural hot spring somewhere out there and red rock which is this amazing river I used to go to with my family when I was young with massive boulders to side on and jump in the river....(at least when its deep, ya know how it goes). Excited about these new adventures. My mom and I talked wine talk today. More so about wineries she knew but I took the conversation to the vineyards and got some good talk going on how the grapes are grown etc...I dont know too much yet but I ask questions and was surprised at the amount of information ive retained and picked up the past 4 or months at the winery. this is good news. It is good to always learn new things. Many things. thats my problem. the other reason I was on the blog was because I was frustrated I couldn't write to my very lovely and dearest friend in all the world whom I miss so much already and I haven't even been apart from her for a full 24 hours. Dang. And my phone won't work. This computer is against me and won't allow me to go on Facebook or check my Gmail. No joke. But maybe the computer is in actuality for me and not against me. For all things are for me, and indeed for my good. and I really have no NEED to go on either of those. Tomorrow I work. Wooaisduflajfljsf. That will be good. I hope all is well. Blessings be to the world place and the Owners and all people and especially the feild workers who are working so hard now during harvest time. May the harvest be plentiful and the wine be good!
Hallejulah!
So I wanted to write this dear friend of mine a love, thank you, bless you, I need to share my honest emotions and heart with you, how are you, this is what's happened, let us share words, note..
etc....this was all to be in the letter. but now as I write these things I think...perhaps, you already know that I would say them. Sometimes words may be many, many times word should be few. Let us love with our actions and more with our do that with that which we spew with our lips what is false and untrue.
I will come home. He can come too. Yall can go hither. Ill be anon. You raise the cannon and come southern dawn. Awake no winter. Let sun warm you all. Lets dance little children. Hes loved us all well. Dance brother autumn. Let winds bring you closer. I'll be sleeping still.
It is amazing what honesty will do. The truth will kill...every false pretense and judgement placed upon your head. It will burn until scarlet is red and these chosen see a bit of you, you Jesus. You sweet and gentle one who asks of all and begs of none. You lowly one, down in the dirt sweaty and tending. You come now and you wash my feet. Such love...I shiver now to think, nay know, it so. So long to run in circles but to abandon all is bliss. To be known forever and eternity as always as this.
I am
my beloveds.
and
my beloved is
mine.
Pretty good thing the theme of my life is tattooed on my chest, eh. haha. santa maria eh, rather than a Canadian eh. for anyone who would ever know what I was referring to you you would probably chuckle right there.
So good night world. I have emptied enough of my chest to sleep well for work tomorrow. Then I can try again and connect with the outside world. Just remain calm, the inside is at peace within.
Love you. Bless you all so. If anyone dared read this entire story I applaud you. I am deleriously tired and physical and mental exhausting may be happening. BTW. What I also need to applaud is Mothers. Dear Lord, I love you. I love that you made women to be so amazing, so strong, so selfless, so talented, so generous, so passionate, so brave, so sensitive, so needed. You have made women and gifted and blessed them. We give life. you give life. it does make sense why we are hated by the forces that be. But I have watched and observed so many various women this trip in my friend group and in the city and on the train and I am just amazed. Watching them carry strollers and children and bags up flights of stairs and travel and wake up early and in the night and clean and cook and work and some do it completely alone and those women are like super hero ninjas. But you also should ask them about their lives. because as I am one of them...haha...I could tell you that I am blessed. That I get jobs that are impossible, or have never existed before and are created for me, or jobs that are strenuous and hard on my body but pay really well (organic house cleaning, cooking for large amounts of people outdoors, caring for children, etc). I get free cars. Yep. I have now had 2 cars been given to me for free. Because...God loves me. I have really hard crazy and wacky life circumstances, mostly and mainly because I make stupid decisions, and that mostly and mainly happens when I am choosing to not want to see but continue to suffer and hide and try to fix myself, but God has loved me even when I am doing that. Just always. All the time. Loving me. Loving you. Pouring it out. Pouring out just ...what...we ... need. Thats such a funny thing to say. Because We know (well kind of) that we need food and water and sleep and then theres that other list of emotional, physical, etc needs that I learned in my psych class last semester. But with many other things in our lives I think we do not at all know what we need. Because I think that we always have what we need. Which is hilarious that I am saying that right now. Or how I should phrase this is something more like what we need is always coming to us at always that precise moment in time and space when it should explode into reality in front of you. But you may want whatever that is to 1. look like how you want you need to look. or 2. want to see the good side of it happen now before we commit to saying yes to something that is not what we need. what I need. Is that important. Yes. I am important. Does God give me what I need? And if yes then is it always? I can only answer from the present moment but in this present moment I look around me and within me and I should say that I have everything I need. I think if the Lord gave me a present it would be a Lover. ya know, a husbbbbb. yep.
but I guess if this is where I am this I have everything I need. But I could very well be anywhere else in the entire world and have everything I need there too. Even if I left everything and took only my body and soul and spirit and my son's and we journeyed into the desert, the country, the woods, the mountains, the jungle, the beaches, the lakes, the rivers, the cities? I would have everything I needed there and anywhere else. This is the idea I am forming and working with believing entirely. That and to fully grasp and understand and live from a place of knowing, understanding, living in...experiencing God's love for me consistently and always in every moment and to never feel any bit of anxiousness or bitterness or fear. I noticed many flaws in my character on this trip and many places where I have grown. And as I look upon the places I still struggle I merely smile at myself and say ah I am still learning and this is no race...I am on the good and right path and I will not be rushed or thrown off course. I am just am loved by AM in this moment as in the moments when I may or may not be freed from mental patterns and blocks ive acquired through the years and lies of believed as truths for so long. I do believe and hope there will be a time when all is lost and forgotten as I star at my makers face and I am perfect as He is perfect. Oh! ! ! I am perfect as He is perfect. hahahah. So amazing.
Goodnight...Thats the blessing. you are just as amazing as Jesus. He is in you and you him....you are thus perfect. Light. My own personal beliefs and experiences. Do not try this at home or be angry for voicing me thoughts. I love yours and our differences so write up.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
sometimes it seems so more harder....
than it needs to be. it needs not be so hard at all. or your perception of hard is harsh. you wear it heavy and it clings down to the ground. little lumps and big mountains, we all have our own barrel full. You have a needle and I have a haystack. Let us instead imagine it all as a great big surprise. A gift. A wonderful and long awaited gift. Perfect for this moment no matter how cumbersome it feels. You are growing. You are alive. You are right here and right now you are loved. Complete. Possessing everything you may ever need to find happiness or contentment. Often I see a lack of peace in my friends. Peace my friends. Peace, is with you. Presence of peace consume all else. All worries, needs, duties, feelings, fears, obligations, attachments, let us be free from strangling ourselves and each other. free to venture out and enjoy and sit still and allow. it is all the same. a coming and a going. a circle. a sphere. surely, he is always here.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Journal Entries, Lover's notes.
I have a rapidly accumulating collection of "journals" growing near my bed. The number is something over 7. A handful of these story taverns were started 3, 4, 7 years ago. So, I finished them in these last 2 years. Strange. I have also started many new ones, made a few, and completed them. I am finishing up a few that are very lovely and have birds, peace, love, etc.. on them. The colors and messages are good. It is wise to know that words are very powerful. Speak beautiful things over and to yourself. Agree with the creator...he sees you perfectly through his son. Anyways....I wanted to start sharing some of these stories with the world. They were when I was living on the east coast, in Arcata, Olympia, in Portland, on the Farm, At a families, at another families, and so on and so forth. What I am going to post now is about Galilee, my daughter, who I love and lives with her Mother and Father in Oregon. Open adoption, if you don't know what that is you should look it up. It is a good idea to look up things you don't understand or have only been told about by one group of people. Research, let the Spirit guide you...He is always teaching you. Oh by the way I was thinking about how God is omnipresent, In-dwelling, and manifests His presence...in everything, in me, in my presence( in reality) is His presence. hmmm...
Entry #1. Jan/12, I know not.
There's an area I'd like to get to, but I cant now. Not in this season, not at this time. The waters are flowing now. They are much higher, much clearer, and quite faster, than they were so long ago. All I can do is glance back, back to where I have been, back where I was in that time. That's what all of these moments are, me glancing back to where I was. (thankfully I now spend more time in the present moments than past) Sometimes I get to go back and sit this physical body in that physical space where the memory lived. I put my body and spirit near the creek and reflect. I remember how I felt, but only still a glimpse. My mind will, no matter how close I get to reenactment, never brings it fully back. It's distant...like remembering a story a friend told me, but not like it's my own story. Here, now, in this place, I sit my physical body on this bit of earth that evokes so many memories of our last moments together and remember. I look over my shoulder at what was, what took place, I could go and sit on the bench where I wrote hours before. Where I searched for You, where You flooded me with truth and light, where we made a promise. Can You remember that day also? How the psalms spoke to me like a sweet melody, like that of darlings who would hum to one another, with the hope of bliss. You came and were so near to me when no one else could be. All I wanted was her, but I gave it over to You. What happened that day. Daddy, did you see? I crucified my heart, I nailed it to a tree. I didn't know where we would be, or that I could be here, but I trusted you for I know you are good. What a leap of faith, what obedience, You exchange life for life, that is just what You do. When I gave her to You, You gave me all of You. I glance back to that piece of earth where we 5 all sat together the day I signed her papers. The day she left me forever. She wasn't mine, no not even then. Though I love her more dearly than my friend. She is me and I am her, but we are apart. I have always loved you daughter, from the beginning, from the start. Rivers of tears have I cried to ease the pain in my heart. I cannot continue to look behind. It was God's beauty and majesty.His Glory and wonder displayed through you and through me. His streams are never ending, always on the move. One seasons low but the rain shall come again. He has made me full, my cup is never dry. Forever I will love you, forever I will cry. What a gift you are to me, my darling, my sweet child. To know the greatest sorrow in letting go of you. To know everlasting joy because I've never lost you. We belong to Him, Our Savior and our King. He's given us hope, he gave you everything!
The stream it murmurs and sings, it is alive with rich new life.
He has promised you a family and given me new life. My family is made complete, I have become His wife. I am His bride. I am clean. I am spotless. I am seen. I am lovely. I am grace. I am wanted now and always.
Here I stand before you.
Here I wait my days
Your gaze is ever towards me
I am yours always.
Come and take me home
Your purpose has been made known
The Lord is great and passionate
Worthy is the Lamb, who sits upon the throne .
Fear not my little children.
In your hearts I shall remain
Hold tight to hope my darlings
In His kingdom I shall reign
Let Love guide your path
It will always take you home
Holy is the Lord, who was, who is, and who is yet to come.
Love, Joy, Peace, Grace everlasting.
Entry #1. Jan/12, I know not.
There's an area I'd like to get to, but I cant now. Not in this season, not at this time. The waters are flowing now. They are much higher, much clearer, and quite faster, than they were so long ago. All I can do is glance back, back to where I have been, back where I was in that time. That's what all of these moments are, me glancing back to where I was. (thankfully I now spend more time in the present moments than past) Sometimes I get to go back and sit this physical body in that physical space where the memory lived. I put my body and spirit near the creek and reflect. I remember how I felt, but only still a glimpse. My mind will, no matter how close I get to reenactment, never brings it fully back. It's distant...like remembering a story a friend told me, but not like it's my own story. Here, now, in this place, I sit my physical body on this bit of earth that evokes so many memories of our last moments together and remember. I look over my shoulder at what was, what took place, I could go and sit on the bench where I wrote hours before. Where I searched for You, where You flooded me with truth and light, where we made a promise. Can You remember that day also? How the psalms spoke to me like a sweet melody, like that of darlings who would hum to one another, with the hope of bliss. You came and were so near to me when no one else could be. All I wanted was her, but I gave it over to You. What happened that day. Daddy, did you see? I crucified my heart, I nailed it to a tree. I didn't know where we would be, or that I could be here, but I trusted you for I know you are good. What a leap of faith, what obedience, You exchange life for life, that is just what You do. When I gave her to You, You gave me all of You. I glance back to that piece of earth where we 5 all sat together the day I signed her papers. The day she left me forever. She wasn't mine, no not even then. Though I love her more dearly than my friend. She is me and I am her, but we are apart. I have always loved you daughter, from the beginning, from the start. Rivers of tears have I cried to ease the pain in my heart. I cannot continue to look behind. It was God's beauty and majesty.His Glory and wonder displayed through you and through me. His streams are never ending, always on the move. One seasons low but the rain shall come again. He has made me full, my cup is never dry. Forever I will love you, forever I will cry. What a gift you are to me, my darling, my sweet child. To know the greatest sorrow in letting go of you. To know everlasting joy because I've never lost you. We belong to Him, Our Savior and our King. He's given us hope, he gave you everything!
The stream it murmurs and sings, it is alive with rich new life.
He has promised you a family and given me new life. My family is made complete, I have become His wife. I am His bride. I am clean. I am spotless. I am seen. I am lovely. I am grace. I am wanted now and always.
Here I stand before you.
Here I wait my days
Your gaze is ever towards me
I am yours always.
Come and take me home
Your purpose has been made known
The Lord is great and passionate
Worthy is the Lamb, who sits upon the throne .
Fear not my little children.
In your hearts I shall remain
Hold tight to hope my darlings
In His kingdom I shall reign
Let Love guide your path
It will always take you home
Holy is the Lord, who was, who is, and who is yet to come.
Love, Joy, Peace, Grace everlasting.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Oh Sweet Heart, I can only take your love looks for seconds at a time.
Every bird that flutters by
even the little swallows that pass over
are bringing a message of hope
I am near to you, I am with you
yes, and always!
Lesser lovers have came strolling by
but none were to keep your heart and be its cover
He tethers his every desire to live love for the bride, unbreakable rope
out at sea he searches for you, deep in your soul he sings love song to you
yes, and always!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
circles of light, you remain all I need.
I found the computer I note on. The last writings
were dated back in 2010. Back to a time when I was
on the farm and would spend ample
time admiring the sunlight streaming through the
oak trees while swinging back and forth ever so
slowing on the old wooden, creaky chain swing. I was
near to the outdoor kitchen, the small cement
platform with sparse wooden cabinetry and
an old stove. It was up on the bluff overlooking
the lower landscaping and ponds.
I would swing and view my surroundings for hours.
I could have stayed there for months and years had
situations allowed. the tree house was smaller
back then, back when I could swing in solitary bliss.
many changes have been made since those days
...i am grateful for the growth
and hopeful for the consummation of my return to
the land. the chickens roam free now and they have
added to their flock a fearsome band of ducks,
turkeys, and the lone peacock and rooster.
sad old men, so determined to be near the lady
breed but with no tact. the dogs have also increased
in number and are tiresome at visiting their
feathered friends at a proximity I doubt they fowls
enjoy. It is busier. more life. i miss the
company of our friends that have left. i know my son
misses the young boy that took up residence
with his mom and joe in the tree house that year.
i wonder if they will be back. i so love them
and their travelling family band. however, i do
sense a freedom for elisha now that his farm is
back to the way it was. where he was the child that
roamed free and learned to master his imagination
and learn from the older ones. his maturity was
so evident today. there are other new changes
with the front house. i think i am glad for this
change also...i do desire that it was on better
terms. the stubbornness and coldness of religion
always rubs me the wrong way. i set aside conflict ions
and voices that may tempt me into choosing sides.
i chose to remain in love, i am sorry if you disagree.
i am open to displeasing you, my life has long
been given over to the pleasure of my one and only.
your wishes and desires are no longer pressing on
me night and day. i do not wish to please you.
love you i will, with his will working only. but
you may not always perceive it as love. in
this love i will back away so that perhaps he
might reveal to you his perfect way...that at times
feels like torture. i know about torture.
I wait so patiently for my arrival outdoors.
the farm has new tenants.
some coming and some going. quickly and sporadically.
i enjoy this but do long to be a part of it as
well. oh community, you are so sweet. i miss
differences in beliefs and personalities. and
yet i also long for the connection of shared
values and passion for the land. come now, let
us connect this reverence for the land and stewardship
and blend it together with love for our Creator.
Love for the one who has rescued and redeemed us,
who has made all new, who will restore the earth
and all of creation when He is revealed to all.
Oh that that day would be tomorrow. glimpses of
unity, i long for more of these. i am understanding
more that his fiery love consumes all. i am
taking down simplistic and narrow minded beliefs
that his love is unable, and so weak to truly
allow us to live tied down. Has he not set us free.
are we free or are we slaves, slaves in our mind it seems to be.
but if we believe and
see ourselves in darkness and despair we shall
remain prisoners there.
even worse, we see each other in a light of performance and
regulations. oh that we would understand love,
teach us, Oh sweet Master. I can't believe that
His love could leave us and fail us at all. He
is all for me, inside of me, I am perfect.
I have become light,
come see me shine. i shine here and now in these poorly
made,sterile, square walls. I find peace and joy
all in all. I delight myself in His love, for me.
I dance triumphantly knowing He has infinitely
more magic and blessings to bestow lavishly on me.
On the farm, there are many new changes. I see
this all around me. Seasons come and nothing
changes. Seasons go and nothing remains. It is
all irrelevant, I suppose. If my eyes remain on
You all I see is light, dancing and bouncing from
here to there. All is light and all
other is darkness.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A new post. A new season.
I just want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let me remain in this place, oh thank you, My lord. I can't do anything. I can't do anything. All i want is to praise you. All I want is to be away with you. Alone with you. You are everything. You see me all. You know it all. You know it all. You know it alllllll. Oh my Lord what can I do but dance with you. We dance and we swing and we run and we run and we run and we fall and we roll down the hill until we stop. And we laugh. Oh how I laugh with you. You took my heavy burdens, you saved me from the grave. I am no longer helpless. I am hopeless no more. And I feel you press all around me, but I let you have all of me.
Oh lets look at this child. My lord my heart rips from the grave. I come to life once again. It surges with pain from within. I suffocate and I run...take this pain. Let me love this pain. Let me embrace all that you have for me. In suffering and in joy...you are my hope and my home.
I dont see you. Not at all. I see failed dreams. I see my loss. I see me. And I need to see you. I need to see you. I need to love you, not love me. I need to lift you up as I lose sight of me. I fall away. I will not be silent, I will sing. I will not be silent, I will cry. I will bellow from my inner most parts....set me free! love set me free. love is this key. love set me free.
I am freeeeeeeeeeeee. I sing. I dance. You can't hold back this passion from me. There is no quiet. I must and shall be free. All day I can praise you. All day I can devote to you. All of me I can give you. I give you. I give you. I am afraid, but only for a moment. I look to your face. OH how you love me. OH how you provide for me. Oh how you have sheltered me from death. You, You you you who are nameless and formless. You who are everything. I am coming alive. I must write. I must pour forth. All day long I give myself to you. I will not be silent. I am sick. I am hungry. I am stuffed with the fat of the land. I am starving for you.
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