A new post. A new season.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let me remain in this place, oh thank you, My lord. I can't do anything. I can't do anything. All i want is to praise you. All I want is to be away with you. Alone with you. You are everything. You see me all. You know it all. You know it all. You know it alllllll. Oh my Lord what can I do but dance with you. We dance and we swing and we run and we run and we run and we fall and we roll down the hill until we stop. And we laugh. Oh how I laugh with you. You took my heavy burdens, you saved me from the grave. I am no longer helpless. I am hopeless no more. And I feel you press all around me, but I let you have all of me.

Oh lets look at this child. My lord my heart rips from the grave. I come to life once again. It surges with pain from within. I suffocate and I run...take this pain. Let me love this pain. Let me embrace all that you have for me. In suffering and in joy...you are my hope and my home.
I dont see you. Not at all. I see failed dreams. I see my loss. I see me. And I need to see you. I need to see you. I need to love you, not love me. I need to lift you up as I lose sight of me. I fall away. I will not be silent, I will sing. I will not be silent, I will cry. I will bellow from my inner most parts....set me free! love set me free. love is this key. love set me free.
I am freeeeeeeeeeeee. I sing. I dance. You can't hold back this passion from me. There is no quiet. I must and shall be free. All day I can praise you. All day I can devote to you. All of me I can give you. I give you. I give you. I am afraid, but only for a moment. I look to your face. OH how you love me. OH how you provide for me. Oh how you have sheltered me from death. You, You you you who are nameless and formless. You who are everything. I am coming alive. I must write. I must pour forth. All day long I give myself to you. I will not be silent. I am sick. I am hungry. I am stuffed with the fat of the land. I am starving for you.

Prayer. The lack of. The need for.

I am still unsure of what just happened. I am still amazed at my life.

I have been depressed for such a long while now. Mostly money. I hate worrying and thinking about money. However there comes a point where whether you want it to or not it catches up with you. It caught up with me. The lack of. Debt. Bills. Unable to make enough money. Unsure of what to do or if I should be here. Constant mental break downs and stress.

This Christmas was a bit of an amazement like last years. Poor. Unable to buy Elisha much...which really I don't mind because I don't think you should buy children mass amounts of presents. Not what it is about...but still a guilty feeling that I am not providing. I didn't have a chistmas tree...oh bother. My church paid a debt of mine. Blessing 1. Still stress. Unexpected generous gifts of money. Sarah's family taking us in. Getting Elisha his own tree to decorate. Buying him so many gifts, he was a bit too spoiled. It worked out.

After Christmas I dreaded coming back to the city. Still unsure of what to do. Unable to get a job to cover expenses. Having to move from the studio with no kitchen to far away West Philly. Feeling angry with the community for not wanting to live with Elisha. Feeling angry in general. Marlee stepped in and is moving with us. It is still far away. But I feel that with Marlee it doesn't really matter how far I am.

Then these past few weeks unexpected bills, car insurance, and crap coming up out of nowhere. One after another. Yesterday was most likely the worst. Parking tickets, the realization that my insurance ended, getting pulled over for no reason, bad conversation with someone about money and living situations, feeling scared of people, cell phone went crazy, on and on and on. I cried so much last night. Frustated. I can't provide for Elisha. Wishing someone else would raise him because I feel like I'm not making it. Stress. Overwhelming crying and shaking. Talking to Marlee about G-d. Not really any relationship there. Not believing or feeling like he/she cares. No praying...because really, does G-d even answer prayers. If I have a real problem and pray and you don't answer I will feel bitterness and disbelief. In some random statement last night I said, Dear G-d, Please give me - numbe of money, thanks," in a very sarcastic and bitter manner.

Today went better. Finally picked up knitting. Moved into new house. Not sure who would help. Kim came and I ran into Marco who I barely know and he offered to come. It was amazing that I found him. He was telling me how he was praying beforehand to be able to be helpful today. Then he found me and felt like his prayers were answered. I dropped Kim off and Marco was able to help me finish moving. If he didn't come I wouldn't have been able to get it finished. We talked a lot about praying. About G-d. My fears and bitterness. He talked about how great praying was. Just in everyday life. Talking to G-d about everything. Real things. Like being mad at him. Things that aren't pretty of fuzzy. He quoted bible dudes in a general casual manner that made it sound less like someone preaching to you. About Peter feeling like he was being burned and crushed from all sides. All to cast his fears and troubles on G-d. So much of this. This information that I know. Somehow I've forgotten. The refining. The promise that it isn't going to be easy, you will suffer, but the difference of knowing Christ is that you can still have joy and peace. Well I don't have that peace. Oh, I also don't pray or talk to Christ. hm....At the end of this Marco gave me a new journal to write prayers in. Encouraged me beyond belief and gave me much to think about. And then handed me a check for the amount that I had jokingly asked G-d for the previous night. I don't deserve it. I don't know if I can accept it. But I do know that G-d loves me. That he hears me. That he cares. That there is something at work in our lives, something like perfect timing, and his own Will. So I give up now. Give up the fight to do things myself. To plan my life on my own terms. It will take work. But I'd like to let G-d lead. I'd encouage anyone who may read this to try.

a bit off course.

I'd like for things to be different here. In my living situations, relationships, job, hobbies, mind.


depression is a weird thing.

"I spy with my eye something quite rivery"

A list of Thanks

• Elisha, my beautiful son, for constantly reflecting to me what love looks like. For teaching my patience, even when it is unwanted. For constantly being my biggest fan and sweetest boy. For loving me despite my mistakes. For making life so much more joyful.
• For my dear friends. Karen, Marlee, Malory, Sarah, Kim, Nelly, and so on. For loving me. Sacrificing for me, sharing with me, taking me in and supporting my decisions, for laughter and the serious moments that bond us together.
• For my family far away. For feeling close despite the distance.
• For my church.
  
• For my future.
  

For my life.

For Thanksgiving this year we came to Lancaster, Pa with my friend Sarah Mueller. Lancaster is a beautiful area a few hours outside of Philadelphia. It is where a good amount of the amish live and drive horse and buggy cars around. It is so nice to be outside of the city. I am not in complete wilderness by any means, but it is fantastic to see trees outside. I love Sarah's family. Her grandparents are in town from Maryland and Elisha is quite fond of them from the time we had spent together during the summer at their pool. We had great meals and got to be pampered by Sarah's step-mother and grand-mother. The sweetest people. I had an amazing conversation with this new grandmother who came to the us from Cuba in her teens. We talked for a long time about her travels and her life. It was so nice to have the older generations around. I really miss having this part of life around. It reminded me that I want to raise Elisha in the country. However, it also made me aware of how much time I have. It also made me miss my grandmother who passed away almost two years ago. I thought of her a lot on Thanksgiving. I missed her and I missed my home land. I've been having a lot of weird moments lately as I wrote before. The newest and most occurring is my memories. Very random things are triggering memories from when I was a young child. Good and happy memories. Travels with my grandparents to different states mostly. The strange thing is how often this is happening. A couple times a day. Very vivid memories. Memories I have not had since they happened. It is overwhelming actually. Too much of the past. and when I get to the point in the memory where I can't move forward and remember the entire event I get frustrated. I don't know.

Anyways, I am still in Lancaster. Sarah's dad Dr. Gary and Elisha have hit it off. Today while Sarah was busy Gary, his wife, Elisha, and I went to a beautiful state park and hiked around. It was lovely. In a little bit Elisha and Gary are going to build a bon-fire and cook hot dogs. I think Johnny Rashid is coming over soon which will be great.

I really want a family. A big one. This weekend has increased my desire for a home, a family, and a place in the woods.

even tiny ants must sleep

Everything runs in extremes.
Country. City. Ocean. Shit hole. Lots of people with little sleep. Little people with lots of sleep.
Or maybe that is just how I interpret everything around me and inside me.

I think that is why I am going crazy, or have been crazy.

I spent my first day at home in West Philly today. I somehow convinced Elisha to sleep in. We made breakfast burritos, he is extremely into helping me cook. We fumbled around the house. Played trains, drums, cleaned, and then went for a walk to the green line cafe and clark park.
We played with leaves. Saw Mike Weiss and Penny. An Egyptian man with a son who goes to Elisha's school. We talked about Egypt and he kept calling Elisha a girl. We went home and rearranged, fought about nap time, and a friend came to visit.
So..West Philly was nice...but I am at that point again where I feel out of my mind.



It is not entirely my fault. I will blame it on the randomness thats been floating around my brain for the past week or so. I keep having strange dreams. I wake up and will have the hardest time trying to figure out if they were dreams because I swear it happened. That keeps happening along with memories of the past that I feel like I've never had before. Oh and the fact that I see at least 3 people a day that I swear are people I know from California, and not even close friends...just people. Like this strange force is trying to blur my memories and lines between the two places I know. Merging them into one lump of confusion and familiarity. What does this all mean? Why is everyone so familiar. Why are so many people coming up that I haven't thought of in years. Why do I miss people so intensely? It won't be there at all and then one day it is like I can't breathe or function properly without these people in my life. I miss Eva and Elliot. I miss Amanda and the boys. I miss the Wahls. I miss Leanne and her boys. I miss them so dearly and it makes me cry to think about. I can't go back there again. It couldn't last that long anyways. I just love being with them. Because I hate being alone so badly. Because I love to mesh my family with theirs. To have constant interaction with people that are focused on children. I miss being open enough with people to show them my impersonations, make videos of my crazy song playing, baking, creating, crafting, exercising, craziness. Fuck. Why couldnt everyday be filled with that. Why the hell did I have to work all the time and go out of my mind. Why is living somewhere so difficult and now I can't stay in one house longer than 4 months. How long does it take to remake these connections? Are there people are boring yet funny as those that I left. bluasldfkjalsjfajdslfj. My life. I feel boring to people that don't have children. I make up for it and am left tired, run-down, guilty. It is hard to relate and hang out often with people without children. Do you find that hard or just me? I think it is hard. Our lives are so different. I wake up every morning around 6. Everything I do has to have something for Elisha to do...but it can be fun when looked at with the right attitude. I just think that attitude comes when you also have a child. What am i getting at? I don't know. Im just typing what has been floating in my brain. I feel unhappy that I am not doing things im passionate about. Parenting, gardening, crafting, sewing, baking, learning new sustainable living skills, reading, exploring, hiking, etc. I am trying to get there. Tomorrow I am working on the garden. I don't know what else. Tonight I looked at Seattle's craigslist and Portland. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks. I wonder if this will be a problem.

im not a big fan of myself lately.

Oh the milk cow, catch her by her tail.

I am cold so often. Trying to move from Kensington to West Philly has almost seemed impossible. However, I slept here in the construction apartment for the first night. It was freezing and I was lonely for neighbors and friends so near. Today I will have to explore the nearby trees to make up for the missing people.

While sitting on Mueller's stoop yesterday with Marlee and Josh, Elisha started telling us amazing things. He told me that he had a sister named Aserita...

Elisha "Aserita is my girl"

Marlee "what, who's aserita"

Elisha "she's my girl, my sister"

Marlee "is she pretty"

Elisha "yeah, i like girls....I'm going to make a pile of girls"

There was much more of this conversation that I cannot remember but was crazy and made me cry.

Later in the car he told me his sister's full name is Aserita Sensa and he has a brother named Esse Cocoa Tutu.




I just got some pictures back from Carina from a trip we took a few weeks back to Linvilla Orchards. I was extremely excited to go visit a farm and had expected it to be like a nearby orchard/farm/gift shop from California. This was not like the one at home and was more like a home depot, walmart, big bargain tourist attraction with fruits and vegetables thrown in. I think I was most disgusted that in their food court, instead of having local fresh food from their farm, they were serving french fries, fried onion rings, fried mushrooms, fried toe-nails, and so on. Seriously...you are on a farm with so much available and you are serving food that is not real and has been shipped from so far away.
Whatever, Elisha liked the hay ride and it was nice to see some trees.

I have returned to the blog

Hello Friends,

I remembered today after conversations and viewings of others blogs that I myself have one and have neglected it. Hello Blog. How have you been? What is new with you...did you lurk on my space and wonder what went wrong between us. Did you cry and leave open space waiting to have your pages filled with my amazing ideas and thoughts about life.

Well, I didn't think much about you. I lived life in California which was random and crazy and filled with lots of jobs and moving about. After a while I settled into a cute little house with Elisha near the beach and got a full time "real" job in an office working the daily grind. This job kept me indoors and without windows for the majority of the day. I would come home in the evening and have a few hours of the day to enjoy the house I was working to pay for but never in. At this point I went a bit nuts. Working to pay for a house that you can't be in because you have to work to have it sort of life is not healthy. At least not for me. So once the itch set it I of course went with it and planned on leaving on a road trip across the country and would end up where the wind took me.

The road trip was amazing...if I ever get the pictures from Amy I will post them and show you all the beautiful sights of the land. I wanted to live so many places. Oregon, Washington, Montana, Wyoming...breath taking scenery. Elisha and my friend Amy came with me. We had much fun sleeping in our cars under on the sides of mountains and under trees with rivers rushing by. One night we almost froze in Yellowstone. We ended up at PAPA fest (people against poverty and apathy). It was great fun reuniting with many Philly friends, making new friends, camping on a farm, bathing in a creek, and enlightening my mind with good conversations and workshops. I visited Philly after that for a few weeks then left and volunteered on an organic farm with WWOOF in IL. It was an interesting experience. A lot of what I had expected and was talked about changed. Elisha and I ended up sleeping on a tent in the hottest summer months. I milked goats, collected chicken eggs, weeded, tilled, made soap, etc...Now that is is over I can say it was a good experience although it was painful and hard to get through. I was supposed to move to the MO with Mallory after that and live in our friends strawbale house for a few months...this fell through due to Elisha freaking out, perhaps he is not so into traveling and roaming yet. So we ended up back in Philadelphia...

We are here at present. Have moved around and will be settling into our 4th living situation since July. This is also a bit temporary. I think I have a problem committing to a home...I am at least at a point where I don't want to leave the city quite yet or the state. Although I do still dream of woods, mountains, rivers, and farm life. I am trying to make my way towards that life. Learn what I can through books and growing while here. I have a greater appreciation for my friends here in the city and for the city in general. I am excited to be relocating to West Philly...I think it will be a good switch for me. More trees, families, space. I want to learn a lot of musical instruments. Dulcimer, hammered dulcimer, autoharp, jews harp, ocarina, bowed psaltry, and the piano. Oh boy!

I am making a lot of new friends. I am enjoying this interactions. I love fall. I am constantly amazing about the colors of the trees. It is like my insides are smiling. Trees usually make that happen but its a new sensation to see blocks of land changed with color.

anyways, blog, that is my story in a shortened version. I will write again soon. With less writing and more randomness.