Well. If you were curious as to why you weren't informed of my trip to California there is good reason. I, too, was not informed. Monday my mother called and Tuesday night I was shipped off. It sounds pretty simple but in actuality I had a bit of a breakdown about it. Trying to figure out if I was going to regret coming or regret staying. Trying to weigh the importance of the events for the weekend...In the end I cancelled the ticket and then re-bought it in the morning. I am actually very glad I came if for no reason other than the amazing plane ride I had. A large reason I was stressed out about coming was taking Elisha on a plane. Taking a toddler on a 6 hour plus plane ride is never a fun experience. I was seated in the back of the plane on the aisle. Two seats were next to me with a woman in her 30's near the window and a man in the middle who looked to be in his 20's. This man looked like someone I might be friends with...he sat next to me and read an article about dr. dog in a filter magazine. I tried to entertain Elisha with books and finally got my ipod out for him to listen to some jams. The man asked me if he ever requested music to look at. "no, he doesnt, but he is listening to sunny day real estate right now and seems into that." The man smiled obviously happy with Elisha's music choice. This started what would later become a 4 hour conversation. This man, Chad, 30 years old, was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We talked about God, church, community, music and how hardcore and emo just aren't the same as back in the day...(i had some idea of back in the day and could relate) we talked about children (he worked with children that had behavior problems) and how he was in love with them, we talked about Elisha dad, if I dated (he couldn't understand why a guy would be afraid of a woman with a child), we talked about school (his major was something in religious and spiritual something or another...he also spent a semester at sea which allowed him to visit around a dozen countries, after school he moved to new zealand and worked on organic farms and explored), we talked about some extremely personal stuff but it didn't seem strange at all. the lady near the window was a sweetheart and would take elisha from me and let him stare at the window for an extended period of time. I sat in amazement of how wonderful this plane ride was. Chad now has my email...he is from south jersey and moved to LA so when he comes back I told him I'd take him to circle with me. I hope he emails, if not it may be for the better, I shared such a beautiful period of time with this man. I would have married him if he asked. We sat on the plane in the end...Elisha fell asleep with his legs across me and hed leaning on Chad's arm. The sun shined in on us and Chad played with Elisha's hair. I felt like I was traveling somewhere mystical with my family by my side. The second plane ride for SLC to SB was also pretty amazing...a tiny plane and the seat next to us was vacant. We both slept and when I woke up we were there.
I am now in my mother house. I saw my beautiful little niece for the first time. How are infants really that small? I saw Eva, my house, the place I had missed so desperately. I think this was a perfect time for me to come. When I got here I wished I was home. Home in Philadelphia. I am glad to be here, the weather is perfect and it is nice to take a break and relax. But I really felt, for the first time, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in the 2020 house.
I am excited for my weekend here...I have mass amounts of plans with mass amounts of people and I cannot wait to see all of the beautiful faces that I left behind.
I am also a tad bit hurt and am trying my best to put it away. I am trying to get numbers out of my head. 1 year, 2 1/2, one week. These all weigh heavily upon my heart. Trying to figure out when I became so weak. When I thought it was a good idea to learn how to let you teach me how to breathe. I wish you would have left me alone with my innocence, my fear, my self. In the end it didn't matter that we talked about it so much...because you aren't talking now and I wish you would just tell me to get over it.
I started a cleansing detox yesterday...the things that just came out of my body, you dont want to know.
What am I doing?
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