perhaps

i feel that this may be a waste of time...many of you who want to check up on me do so via myspace.

if there are a few left who dont do myspace i apologize....

i think the only major news is the status change.

also...im looking at tickets to go home next month.
MAYBE

beautiful little city.

lets see. I had a dinner party at my house friday night and while getting ready for it knocked my computer off the kitchen table. I now have a broken computer but luckily purchased a very expensive protection plan so it will be fixed. i have some pretty pictures on my camera that i wish i could post but it will have to wait.

i went to the simple way the other night to watch "the road to guantanamo". I suggest netflixing it, its pretty intense. after watching it we talked about it for a long time about it. it blows my mind that things and places like guantanmo exist. that humans can torture each other and justify it in their hearts or minds. there are so many people still there...starved, beaten, humiliated, tortured humans. just like you and i. we send off our soldiers one by one so proud that they are serving our country...but all i could think of is what it would be like to be one of them. to spend months or years treating people like animals and then go home to your family and forget all about it. what would you say when your mother, wife, daughter asked you what you did all that time? would you lie, would you tell them honestly all of the ways you stripped a man of his humanity because he "may" have been involved in a killing, but he also may have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. how do soldiers do it? they are trained, brainwashed, to kill and when they have enough marks on their belt and thrown back into society and expected to lead normal lives. i dont get it. more than anything it breaks my heart for them. in taking others humanity they themselves are losing theirs. breaking a person breaks more than just the person.

i love walking around the city. i went on quite a long adventure yesterday with the "girls" and was so amazed at how much ive grown to love philadelphia. the more im here the more i appreciate little things. i love walking down new streets and finding hidden treasures...buildings that are falling apart, secret gardens, vacant lots with new grass growing....these things are so beautiful to me. speaking of beautiful treasures, there is a glorious yellow daffodil growing in my backyard. there are quite a few that will bloom soon but this is the first and stands alone in the midst of the thorns and mess. every morning i go to my kitchen window and look outside. there i see it smiling back at me, promising me that spring is indeed here. im looking forward to gardening and be outdoors. i also feel like this is going to be my first easter doing things on my own. making new traditions and experiences for elisha and our little family.

i went to the 700 club last night with the "girls" to go dancing. horray for dancing, horray for friends.

i went grocery shopping today with kate. we walked to the store a mile or so away. when we left a felt something very new. we had the stroller loaded up with groceries, a backpack full of them, and a few bags we filled to the brim. as we started for home, walking our groceries i had an image of home flash through my mind. i was reminded of all the mexican, low income families, that lived in santa maria that i would daily see carrying large bags of groceries down the street. i would have never thought i would look like that...i have always had a car and things of luxury. things like this that i never really appreciated, because i never knew what it was like to be without. so there i was walking the long walk home feeling completely exposed and very humbled. it was one of the most amazing feelings i have experienced. its hard to really explain it but i am thankful. i am so thankful. once again i find philadelphia teaching me so much about myself and bringing me to a place of nothingness.


i wish that it was always me making the effort. id like to have someone else come to me with something they had to take time to think about and plan out. i think im going to stop for a while. stop planning and thinking and putting my heart into so much...sometimes id like to have it go the other way. but ill leave that alone because i dont want to go any further.


im happy. im also reading rob bell's new book...and i like it. so if anyone wants to borrow it when im done id be more than happy to lend it out.

the day to day.

elisha in maruke's clothes...a bit weird.

she is totally touching his butt

roommate

youre a stumbling block to america

i just wrote so much and then deleted it.
nothing seems right.

it snowed this weekened. i got stuck in a house...luckily it was with people i love.

how did this happen?

spring flowers

Everything is making Elisha cry right now. We are getting closer to 2 and the fits are showing it. God, give me patience. At the moment he is crying because I took a box of tissues away from him...his face is very pathetic.

I am currently listening to the Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack...so good.

I feel like I have been a very bad friend to California. I apologize for not calling. The first few weeks were very hard and I wanted to come back. That time of being still and having nothing to do is rapidly passing me by. I am finding myself busy and having less and less alone time. I need to make a point in my day to sit and read and take a breather. Its amazing to me how fast that happened. Last night was the first night in a week that I have gone to bed before 12. I have enjoyed all of the conversations and visits I have had late at night, I just need to learn when it is too much.

The weather has been amazing all weekend. Saturday Lois called me to ask if I wanted to go to the park with her or if I wanted her to take Elisha. I was so confused by what she was saying that I had to have it repeated 3 times. Eventually I realized she was offering to take Elisha for a few hours so I could have a break. It blew my mind. It wasn't just that she was going to babysit, it was that she thought about me. She cared enough about me to think, "oh Brandi hasn't gotten anytime away from Elisha since shes been here (in the day) why don't we take him with us for a few hours so she can have a break." I dont know if those were her thoughts exactly but it was probably the sweetest and kindest thing that has happened to me since being here. So, thanks so much Jesse and Lois. I am so glad that you are my friends and I love your family.

I hope I could do that one day. Take a second to think about somebody else other than myself and move on it. It is so easy for me to look at myself and feel pity. I know Lois gets tired being pregnant and having Maruke all day, I know she wants a break. I would like to care enough to consider these things when I am wondering what to do during the day. To offer to love her by serving her. To offer love to anyone by laying down what I would want to do, forgetting all of my needs and wants, and seeing what I could do for them. I think the only time I have ever loved anyone with my service is when I was trying to get them to fall in love with me. At least I can realize these things and make a change.

Saturday night I watched the Grace's kids. I am madly in love with Lily and Helena. They are probably some of the cutest and funniest girls I have ever seen. I had so much fun playing with them.

I went to NJ on sunday with Kate. She had to go "home" to do something for her old church and I decided to come along. It was beautiful day. The town was amazing. I loved the old brick homes and the trees that lined the streets on both sides. It was nice to be out in the suburbs...I guess since I am from them it just feels more like home to me. It was nice to walk down clean sidewalks, play in clean parks, and feel so safe and fuzzy. I would not want to live here but I am glad that I can from time to time step outside of the city to experience this.

I have been house sitting this weekend for the people I babysat for. They have an amazing house so it has been very fun to hang out there.

I was able to hang out with Ellen and Kate a bit this weekend (two housemates) and get to know them a bit more. I love them and am so glad that we live together. I was able to talk with them about Africa, Ellen is going there next year and Kate wants to go. It reminded me of the desire and heart that I too have for Africa. It reminded me that I want to go there and, that in moving here, I am that much closer to going. I have had some of the most amazing conversations with people this past week. I can feel myself feeling more at home. I am making new relationships that I am so excited about and treasure so much. All the things that I feared in the first few weeks are starting to disappear and my happiness is returning, Praise the Lord.

I realized last night I hadn't been spending alone time with God. I hadn't been reading or praying...I also realized I wasn't guarding my heart, just in little things, but I really need to keep my communication with God at the top of my priorities.

I miss you. I am so sorry that I haven't kept in touch. I feel like a horrible friend...and I plan on trying harder. I love you.

I dream a highway back to you

some pictures from the last couple of days.
I changed this so many times that I had to at least do something. All I can say ...is I'm happy. So theres that. At the moment I am so tired and so cold and I cant seem to fix either problem.

Saturday we went to Rittenhouse and hung out downtown a bit.

a heart of flesh

A beautiful day, an ugly morning. A tearful journey and I made it through. Its true that it was all one day...it seems like a week. Things are picking up. A walk downtown. So many new people. Ellen moved in. Guests over for dinner. So many new people. I left Elisha for the first time last night...Went to Sarah's party. I didn't want to go because I wouldn't know anyone...but how will I meet these people if I dont go. I actually knew most. I had more fun than I could have possibly imagined. Had girl circles and fell in love with the ladies. Was finally persuaded to dance...oh my goodness. I am at least glad that by the time the dancing hit its peak (for me)most people had left. Went to a bar with the girls and hung out there for a while. Came home and semi watched a movie. Daniel came over, kate got home, we ended up talking until 3 am. Breakfast this morning.

Elisha is quite in love with Daniel. I am constantly amazed at how good Elisha is at making people fall in love with him. Im glad that I dont get moved by men loving Elisha anymore. Maybe my heart is a little harder.. Im thankful for the people that come into our lives. That love him and help shape him into the beautiful boy he is. Everything will be just fine.

Talking with Daniel and Kate was so good last night. I related to so much of what he was saying and in his suffering had light shed on mine. Its so funny how that works out. Its just so good to know that there is Grace. To live fully present and realize that this, right now, is reality. The past is gone and tomorrow has yet to come. Lets just get through today.

sirens, raindrops, and thunder!

i miss smiling like this though

i just watched the truth about cats and dogs with my roomies and I think we all screamed and closed our eyes at least 3 times. Its so gross, never watch it..

Anyways...I have a rash on my hands and just discovered its also on my arms and a bit on my face. What the heck!!!!!:?

I just swallowed bubble gum benydryl? and am going to vomit.

whats wrong with my skin?

its raining outside. i just heard my first philadelphia thunder...it was so powerful. the rain sounds like it did at the warehouse. every few seconds i hear the sound of car tires racing through the water. it will be a noisy night of sleeping...luckily elisha and i are both drugged with bubble gum

i have done so many of these stupid blogs tonight...and not because im bored, i had a fabulous day.

way too cute

so there are a bunch of pictures of me because....Elisha took them! He has been obsessed with picutres lately so I sat him on the couch and showed him how to hold the camera and push the button. These are what came out...and a lot more of my legs only.

it looks like i wet my pants?

hot stuff.

these are so cute to me. Claudia gave him this tiger. He got up in his little rocker and sang to it and kissed it.

the zoo!

I had so much fun at the zoo...I haven't been so excited to see all of the animals in a long time. I think we will go a lot now. Later we went to Lois's house and hung out. She told me about this program in the city that you become a member of and they give you fruit,veggies, local bread, meat, and much more during the seasons. Its really cheap and local and organic...I am so excited.

at the bottom of the picture you can see a brick wall...it was so close and we were totally afraid it was going to jump out and eat us!
<"

Elisha looks like a good lunch

there were so many walking around... Elisha is making the same face in every pictures...he was so tired.

my face looks fat

In the monkey house...Maruke and Lia loved the little monkeys. Elisha was too afraid of the Gorillas and refused to look at them.