i went for a walk

so I have been home a few days now and adjusting to life in Philadelphia again. Had a hard first day back but I am glad it happened. It got me over a lot of things that I really should never have been into to start with. I also have just been amazed at how many people I love in the city. Since I got back I have just been overwhelmed with the love that my new friends have for me and I for them. I feel even more a part of this community than I did when I left. Hopefully everything else will smooth itself out sooner rather than later. I also am excited because I made friends with neighbors. Micah, Damien, Noah, and Eric. The first two live a block up and the second a few houses down. I hung out with them the first night I got back and have been visiting with them since. It is so nice to have so many amazing people in such close range to visit and connect with. Elisha has been especially cute these last few days. I got off the phone today with my friend Josh and as I said goodbye he started to say Josh, Josh. So I dialed the number and Elisha called him back and held a pretty good conversation. Even after it ended he still picked up the phone and said, "Josh, how are you?" Basically one of the cutest things in the world. I feel like I am having one of those times again when I haven't been calling California as much. It is too hard to come back and talk everyday...I miss you guys so much. I miss my beautiful little nieces. My dear friends and the wisdom and beauty the shower upon me. I miss my family...the large and small. However, I am still so glad and confident in my decision to move here. I have had many emails and voicemails from people about being a nanny. I am meeting with a family tomorrow and have a few different things going on...so I am pretty excited to start working. I also found a senior citizen home nearby and a childrens hospital so I am going to be looking in to volunteering at one or both. I am still amazed that people can have so many personalites. Can be amazing and kind one day and the next cold and uncaring. I guess we all have that in us. Ive felt like I knew so much about people and how they work...I am still learning. We will always get hurt and will always hurt someone else...It sucks a little bit more when someone (who is supposed to care about you) does and acts a certain way that they know will hurt you as opposed to someone who has no clue, but whatever. We can choose to isolate ourselves because of these past hurts and live alone too afraid to be vulnerable with someone else, or we can forgive those who have hurt us and take steps towards loving each other and showing each other compassion for the mistakes we have all made. Ive never been treated so shitty by a person, well I can think of two others, but not in the same way...it just makes me think, why are christian dudes supposed to be better than all the other regular joes out there? the great "christian" men are the ones that have screwed with me more than guys that just made out and left. At least the dudes without faith didnt belive that they were supposed to treat people with kindness and love.they didnt try to convince you that you were important to them and that they were trustworthy. anyways...this is a long random blog that got a little bit bitter at the end but hopefully no one reads it. I really am doing fantastic. Ive had a great past few days and am hopeful and excited for my future here.

ps. dan platt, would you like to have dinner soon?

Dear G-d, have mercy on me.

unashamed to call you his own

I am officialy home. Home #2. California was wonderful. Spring time on the west is amazing. Green rolling hills with wild mustard flowers and the ocean to the right with a beautiful sun smiling down on you. It was great to see my family. Elisha especially enjoyed the visit. It is the first time in a few months that he has played with other little boys. At the end it was a bit hard to leave it all behind. Anyways...I am here now. Ready to re-adjust and having a bit of a hard time.

there are two items in my trash can that make me want to vomit.
i guess i learned a lesson.


I am trying to dig out the love in my heart. Trying to find some forgiveness and grace. It isn't really there..luckily I have Danielle to remind me.

the simple story that you told me is a little different from what showed me

Well. If you were curious as to why you weren't informed of my trip to California there is good reason. I, too, was not informed. Monday my mother called and Tuesday night I was shipped off. It sounds pretty simple but in actuality I had a bit of a breakdown about it. Trying to figure out if I was going to regret coming or regret staying. Trying to weigh the importance of the events for the weekend...In the end I cancelled the ticket and then re-bought it in the morning. I am actually very glad I came if for no reason other than the amazing plane ride I had. A large reason I was stressed out about coming was taking Elisha on a plane. Taking a toddler on a 6 hour plus plane ride is never a fun experience. I was seated in the back of the plane on the aisle. Two seats were next to me with a woman in her 30's near the window and a man in the middle who looked to be in his 20's. This man looked like someone I might be friends with...he sat next to me and read an article about dr. dog in a filter magazine. I tried to entertain Elisha with books and finally got my ipod out for him to listen to some jams. The man asked me if he ever requested music to look at. "no, he doesnt, but he is listening to sunny day real estate right now and seems into that." The man smiled obviously happy with Elisha's music choice. This started what would later become a 4 hour conversation. This man, Chad, 30 years old, was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We talked about God, church, community, music and how hardcore and emo just aren't the same as back in the day...(i had some idea of back in the day and could relate) we talked about children (he worked with children that had behavior problems) and how he was in love with them, we talked about Elisha dad, if I dated (he couldn't understand why a guy would be afraid of a woman with a child), we talked about school (his major was something in religious and spiritual something or another...he also spent a semester at sea which allowed him to visit around a dozen countries, after school he moved to new zealand and worked on organic farms and explored), we talked about some extremely personal stuff but it didn't seem strange at all. the lady near the window was a sweetheart and would take elisha from me and let him stare at the window for an extended period of time. I sat in amazement of how wonderful this plane ride was. Chad now has my email...he is from south jersey and moved to LA so when he comes back I told him I'd take him to circle with me. I hope he emails, if not it may be for the better, I shared such a beautiful period of time with this man. I would have married him if he asked. We sat on the plane in the end...Elisha fell asleep with his legs across me and hed leaning on Chad's arm. The sun shined in on us and Chad played with Elisha's hair. I felt like I was traveling somewhere mystical with my family by my side. The second plane ride for SLC to SB was also pretty amazing...a tiny plane and the seat next to us was vacant. We both slept and when I woke up we were there.

I am now in my mother house. I saw my beautiful little niece for the first time. How are infants really that small? I saw Eva, my house, the place I had missed so desperately. I think this was a perfect time for me to come. When I got here I wished I was home. Home in Philadelphia. I am glad to be here, the weather is perfect and it is nice to take a break and relax. But I really felt, for the first time, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in the 2020 house.

I am excited for my weekend here...I have mass amounts of plans with mass amounts of people and I cannot wait to see all of the beautiful faces that I left behind.

I am also a tad bit hurt and am trying my best to put it away. I am trying to get numbers out of my head. 1 year, 2 1/2, one week. These all weigh heavily upon my heart. Trying to figure out when I became so weak. When I thought it was a good idea to learn how to let you teach me how to breathe. I wish you would have left me alone with my innocence, my fear, my self. In the end it didn't matter that we talked about it so much...because you aren't talking now and I wish you would just tell me to get over it.

I started a cleansing detox yesterday...the things that just came out of my body, you dont want to know.

What am I doing?

like brothers in a hotel bed.

I deleted that. It was a bit too emotional. I learned a new word today thanks to Jesse K and i figured it replaced everything I had written and felt. Saudade.

thats all.

I might fly home this month ... if so Id fly into LA...anyone wanna pick me up?

Happy Birthday Cori Carter, welcome to the world! My sister had her second beautiful baby girl this afternoon. I cried when I saw her picture...it was so hard waiting for the picture to load via text message and not feel very torn about not being there. my first sight of my neice was over the phone...oh well, at least we have the technology that allows me to see her across the country.

I have been trying to explain to Elisha that the baby in my sisters stomach is now born. He is now convinced that I have a baby in my stomach and will not stop touching and kissing it.

i want to be in control of nothing. ill take things as they come and let them leave just as easily.

im not bothered by your opinions or judgements. im at least happy with myself, are you?

if you wanna call me darling, thats just fine.

Today is so beautiful. There is something about sunny days that makes everything better.

I have been so happy because we have new kitchen appliances and do dads. I cannot wait to make and bake so many treats..

When I said I would try and come home next month I meant for only a week...just to be clear.

The status changed back.

Like Elisha, I am learning to have patience and self-control.

Its not always fun or easy...but dang, its gotta be good for something.