Written 9.15.15 (in response to the sweet one coming)

...

It is all hidden

for days, weeks, months

There is no space to bring it out

Bringing up boys, cleaning, cooking,

schooling, managing, creating, working,

fighting, dreaming, surviving.

There is a mountain of stress

behind two, large, brown eyes.

A hurting heart and needs unmet.

There just isn't enough.

Hand to mouth,

day to day,

working hard in my mind to make it

all work out.

If you knew the changes,

you would be undone.

As soon as I adjust,

the days flow changes.

But today I know you will come.

It changes me more than the moves and work.

Everything is beautiful, and more painful. 

All of my feelings explode

through tears, and I can't hide it.

In the face of the boys, and the duties,

I am a Mama crying.

Sad that it's been so long, 

sad that is has to be this way.

So sad that they all can give you so much more.

They were given more.

And then, they were given you.

The good Lord gives and takes away.

I gave you, to the more. 

To the blessed, beautiful, whole, abundant ones.

What could I do in my poverty and brokenness?

I had only my heart to give to you.

But my sweet one, my heart was not from the whole,

loving, abundant ones. 

It was from the broken, rejected, lack.

In the Kingdom of Love I have been accepted, reborn.

My journey is long and treacherous, 

and I know not why this was my path.

I have longed for different roads,

longed for the highest heights.

Longed for the mercy of a loving, whole, family.

Longed for the safety and security of prosperity.

I know it is coming.

I am healing.

Being transformed daily.

I am healing.

Still, I feel so under-fed, under-blessed,

when I see your face with theirs.

I see your joy, your abundance.

I can't give it to you, I can't give it to the boys,

or myself. 

I can't be angry, or bitter.

That would never do. 

I can't regret.

I accept. 

I open myself to the joy, the abundance, the love.

I am here and all I can do is cry,

and feel my jaw tight, my throat swell

as my breaths are heavier with the strong feelings

and lack of understanding.

Present with the pain. 

I am not seeking an escape. 

I am allowing, without understanding.

It is here, and it is real in this moment,

 and no one else can feel it...

but I am sure all who have lost know.

I see how He takes care of you.

It is everything I ever wanted for you,

my sweet one.

Let it be enough for me that you 

have more than enough of all you need.

More of You, God, less of me.

Bless these boys with prosperity. 

Every painful moment you designed to give me growth.

Please, Papa, grow me quickly,

let me learn.

God has comforted.

Pause, and calmly think of this.

Rejoice, celebrate!

Let my Jubilee come forth.

Restore me to all that you have in your heart for me.

Let these be the moments before the miracle.

Come like fire,

like water,

like wind.

Move the earth and shift the land to bless me.

You have planted and watered the dreams of my desire.

Will they now blossom and bring forth

an abundance of the sweetest fruit. 

- River Current

a.k.a Joy Everlasting.