Simple pleasures.
World divine.
You take and eat and destroy some more.
Simple world, if you would let it be.
Survive some more, if you could let greed be.
I am taken, I am lost.
I am prone to give to your cost.
I will resist and embrace the wandering bliss.
Stress I release, I am at peace.
It is all craziness, all unease.
You with your guns and power,
Me with my peace.
I have dreams in my heart.
They were not put here to be left apart.
I will see.
I will reap.
I will sow.
I will glean.
Easy now for we are all weak.
Let us love one another,
Let us carry the meek.
Purpose, Generosity,
let the heart lead.
Let the heart lead.

It was glowing
It was shaking
It was engraving my soul
Oh honey, Don't you know
It was in the trees
It was the shadows
The clouds
Oh honey, Don't you know
It was real
It shook me
Deep in my soul
It rose and shown and was full and known
Oh I rise, I shine
You with the driving, me with mine
And I hate you and I yearn
And I let it go, for you are yours
I am deep and I am weak
I am strong and I am needy
Sleep now, for you will know
I am the lover
Beloved, the known
Hold me still, I will wrap you
in my arms, in my touch, in my heart
Quiet now, for its all alright
I am here, for I know the fight
The darkness and pain.
I am the light.
I am the beloved.
The daughter of delight.

I need to know your love.

Thanks for being here with me.

I'm so moved by you.

So touched you know the words.

Speaking my soul...

Universe, 

God,

Friend,

Lover,

Stones.

Music writer, you delight me.

Song weaver of my hearts woes and knows

 of deep dark and light.

Beauty,

Beauty,

Seek the beauty!

You draw the focus,

focus on the Light!

The Light,

The Light!

Bring me back to my mind's eye.

My hearts knowing,

soul expansion,

Love growing.

.....

Sometimes you grab hold of me

so violently. 

A force I cannot reckon with.

I can not escape.

Can not pretend.

You hold me down,

pinned.

Fierce you are 

for my attentions.

My emotions,

decisions,

patterns,

visions.
They lead me here
again and again.

The lands we have lived.

The paths we have known.

The stories that we hold,

hearts hollow...

hearts full.

We are handed stories from the time we are small.

They are lessons that teach us,

and you've let it lead on.

I want to say, "I do not know. I do not know."

By faith I muster out, "in Faith I know You know."

Love flow free.

Love flow free.

Flow to the one's

cast down and in need.

The little.

The small.

The tender.

The frail.

The weak.

The hurting.

The thousands. 

The One.

Love flow free.

Light shine on Thee.

In the hearts of the oppressors. 

In the dirty and undiscovered.

In the shame and the guilt.

The worry and the fear.

The lying, cheating, stealing.

Love flow free.

A thousand I love you's it must always be.

It was all for you.

The stars shining.

The breath.

The mind.

The heart.

The redemption,

the stories never ending,

weaving on and forever,

interconnected,

always together,

Love that is for you and exists in you.

For you righteous to you filthy. 

I love you.

Listen to it everywhere. 

Rivers Currant.

Written 9.15.15 (in response to the sweet one coming)

...

It is all hidden

for days, weeks, months

There is no space to bring it out

Bringing up boys, cleaning, cooking,

schooling, managing, creating, working,

fighting, dreaming, surviving.

There is a mountain of stress

behind two, large, brown eyes.

A hurting heart and needs unmet.

There just isn't enough.

Hand to mouth,

day to day,

working hard in my mind to make it

all work out.

If you knew the changes,

you would be undone.

As soon as I adjust,

the days flow changes.

But today I know you will come.

It changes me more than the moves and work.

Everything is beautiful, and more painful. 

All of my feelings explode

through tears, and I can't hide it.

In the face of the boys, and the duties,

I am a Mama crying.

Sad that it's been so long, 

sad that is has to be this way.

So sad that they all can give you so much more.

They were given more.

And then, they were given you.

The good Lord gives and takes away.

I gave you, to the more. 

To the blessed, beautiful, whole, abundant ones.

What could I do in my poverty and brokenness?

I had only my heart to give to you.

But my sweet one, my heart was not from the whole,

loving, abundant ones. 

It was from the broken, rejected, lack.

In the Kingdom of Love I have been accepted, reborn.

My journey is long and treacherous, 

and I know not why this was my path.

I have longed for different roads,

longed for the highest heights.

Longed for the mercy of a loving, whole, family.

Longed for the safety and security of prosperity.

I know it is coming.

I am healing.

Being transformed daily.

I am healing.

Still, I feel so under-fed, under-blessed,

when I see your face with theirs.

I see your joy, your abundance.

I can't give it to you, I can't give it to the boys,

or myself. 

I can't be angry, or bitter.

That would never do. 

I can't regret.

I accept. 

I open myself to the joy, the abundance, the love.

I am here and all I can do is cry,

and feel my jaw tight, my throat swell

as my breaths are heavier with the strong feelings

and lack of understanding.

Present with the pain. 

I am not seeking an escape. 

I am allowing, without understanding.

It is here, and it is real in this moment,

 and no one else can feel it...

but I am sure all who have lost know.

I see how He takes care of you.

It is everything I ever wanted for you,

my sweet one.

Let it be enough for me that you 

have more than enough of all you need.

More of You, God, less of me.

Bless these boys with prosperity. 

Every painful moment you designed to give me growth.

Please, Papa, grow me quickly,

let me learn.

God has comforted.

Pause, and calmly think of this.

Rejoice, celebrate!

Let my Jubilee come forth.

Restore me to all that you have in your heart for me.

Let these be the moments before the miracle.

Come like fire,

like water,

like wind.

Move the earth and shift the land to bless me.

You have planted and watered the dreams of my desire.

Will they now blossom and bring forth

an abundance of the sweetest fruit. 

- River Current

a.k.a Joy Everlasting. 

Poems on the fly.

Homeless Words

Sometimes even my words cannot find a home
borrowed pads of paper
entries everywhere
I am like these words
I end up in so many places
out of necessity or
for the desire to
be put in something beautiful
Though the words care not where I put them
they are unchanged by binding the holds them
The important part is always that they are there
that they come out of hiding
and allow themselves to be known
they have beauty and meaning all their own
ever in borrowed pads of paper.


Mama Nap Lullaby
I 
Sleepy Cuddle Time
Sleepy Cuddle Time
Rest, Rest, Rest
Your body
and
Your Mind.


Mount of Transformation

I wonder what to
name this mountain.
I'd like to hike another.
But I'm half-wa up
and stuck.
I see other climbing by,
I wonder what they call
their mountain.
It is no use to learn their names,
if I keep going
I'll uncover.
I muss press on to my own path.
As slowly as I like.

Full of You

I see how you pull me towards you.
Desperate am I to find peace in your Presence.
I am full of myself.
You know well what lie's inside.
Only in You can I empty my cup
and drink you utter acceptance.
Until I am....
Full of You.


-
River Current
08/12/15

I want to be more in love with you, everyday

This word is alive and breathing.

My weakness
my shortcomings
my broken dreams
my broken heart
draw you closer to me.

I know you,
and above all,
that is what matters.

I know your heavy and sweet Presence
that
mysteriously
manifests
when I am so sweetly broken,
weak,
or simply joyfully abandoned.

Others have observed and entered into this
beautiful bliss
that shrouds the pain and a surreal atmosphere
a more real calm is ushered in

Lost without you.


I can only consult with you for
peace, purpose, and to check in on
my progress.

Others can hear you, others can see me,
but only you know me fully, only you know in fullness.
Only you can set my heart free.

Well, what do you think?

You desire that I would be intimate with Spirit
Spirit desires, and always allows, me to be intimate with You.

In this place
I am
Soaring
Confident
At ease
acutely aware of how good I have it
and
 how much more you have for me.

Humbled.
Let it be with ease.

I am a glowing peacock
Thankful for my good
and
Thankful for my places I'd like to see change.

He gifted me,
how I could gloat?
I share my gratitude.

I know so well his reassuring voice
telling me of his keen understanding
of all that I go through and feel.
He knows.
He understands.

He has such compassion for our being
his kindness gives me ample space
security in his empathy
freedom in his love

Freedom to find
and share
my voice.

My heart is held
perfectly in your hands.
We are both well aquatinted with suffering.

My past failings,
my wrong choices
 and missed friends
weigh on me.

I am unable to reclaim these relationships
or moments
all I have is now
but I need to know it will come again.

I put my trust in You.

You are beautiful.
Miracle Worker

The inner healing of a heart
the shackles of oppression being
lifted from the mind

What a joy to learn of the different ways
you bring the gift of healing.

Once again my mind is striving
rolling through catalogs of thoughts
there is no peace in this place

I bring my focus back to You
Hunker down deeper into your mind
your heart.
Cozy in here again
There is no room for worry
planning
stress.

My job is to rest
in your love lounge.

You encourage me
You bring focus and insight
You lead
You convict for my heart to soften and grow
as it chooses peace and love over again.
I am thankful you soften my heart
thankful you are so 100% committed to my success
in becoming more and more glorious. 

Eternally Hopeful. 

Your love is unfailing.
Fails not.
Never fails.

It is always present in us,
with us,
towards us.

Suffering is a growth opportunity,
an advancement,
welcome it and speed up the blessings!

His love is perfect,
and we will never know what might have been,
or why.

We may know something...
His loving thoughts towards us.

We may trust in the miracle maker
in the loving voice
of the Spirit of God inside us,
around us.

We may trust in Jesus,
man-God,
as our redeemer
healer
provider.

We may walk in His peace
as we cloak ourselves
in His
affirming
words
of
praise.

We are Gods Beloved Children.

He must kiss us ever so often,
we are irresistible to Him.

He delights in saving us.

Our freedom is His priority.

To know Him and His love,
Oh Daddy,
I never knew before...

All you out there without a papa,
find your
providing
protecting
guding
grounding
affirming
caring
loving dad today.

Wait no longer!

Orphan status is terribly out of fashion and rather a downer.

You can have your own one on one relationship with your own creator!
He will love you as much as the person you think deserves His love this most,
never any less.
You will be fully His.
Treated as equal
transformed into his likeness
and finally get what you deserve.....

               you are entitled to a

                     NEW INHERITANCE!

                                 A kingdom.

                Blessings on earth and in heaven.

            Live forever with perfect health and wellness.

Your father has been eagerly awaiting the moment your heart
would open the gift
His embrace.
He has desired for you to feel him holding you for so long now.
To wipe away the lies, the tears, the fears.

                What will it be like?  
                How will I know if it is REAL?
               What if........................?



     Why don't you try it out, for yourself, 100 % free.
You can walk away without any obligation at any time if
His passionate love for you is too much.

Simply say something like this,
but let it be your words....

Jesus,
I believe in you.
You are God's son
I believe you died to take the punishment of the world.

I thank you for your sacrifice and for my unearned forgiveness.
I thank you for placing your Spirit within my today to lead me
in wisdom and truth.
Thank you for my new direct line, of always open, communication.
I commit to pursuing you in this relationship, just as you pursue me.
I am ready and grateful to accept your invitation to adopt me
as your daughter/son.
I love you Papa!

Ramblings of a birth mother, young mother, new mother, new wife, one who dreamed big and now knows the pains of the lack of magic but the beauty of transformation

Where do you start when you are ready to start your book. The one that you have heard more than a dozen people tell you to write. 

Well, I think you should start by writing it. Whatever it is that comes out must be what they meant when they made their suggestion and gave their strong encouragement. They must have listened to the words flowing out of your mouth at a mile a minute and felt so inspired by what they heard that they desired to have it in words, to read again and again, or perhaps they noticed that you really have so many things to say that it would be best for you to put them down on paper. 

It is the starting place that gets me at times. The theme. The where to begin in this long life of mine. Do I start with the beginning? I have tried. But somewhere on the journey it is so far from where I am in the present moment that I become tired of having to finish the story to catch up to where we are. Because so much has happened and it happens so fast that if I write about what was I may never write about what is. 

Blogging. The best of the writing world. I don’t have to commit myself to a book, at least not yet, I don’t have to start anywhere or have a climax and ending. I can tell you about today. Tell you about 10 years ago. Tell you about anything. 

After all it is your choice to read whatever I put out. So I will leave it up to you.

I want to write about my journey. I named this beautiful blogging atmosphere learning joy. I am a big fan of names, after naming about 20 different businesses..some that have come to fruition and some that are dreams, I realized I just like creating names. I like words and I am understand more the power of words. The power of positivity and creating. 

I heard recently that you inherit in your genes your capacity for joy or sadness, up to 50% I think they said. And please don’t quote me on this one but look it up yourself, this is just what I heard. 

Of course becoming a new believer lends to a new inheritance but I do still think science wins here. 

We aren’t all as naturally joyful as others. We don’t all receive the same genetic information the predisposes us to step into joy and we don’t all receive the same life experiences that make it easier to walk in this joy. 

My life experiences were hard, challenging. Not the sweet fairy tale childhood that some get, many do not. 

As I write I make it my effort to make all my words positive, it is a challenge to accurately describe my past without negatives, but I know the vibrations of negative words affect us all, and I will spare you as much as possible from going down.

Perhaps, I have thought, this blog or book, should be about adoption. My journey into becoming a birth mother...What a hilarious term, at least in my mind. I say it to myself and think about its meaning. 

First you should know that I am a mother to 3 children. The label, the title, I am honored with here is, Mom.  Yet, I really am only “mom” to 2 of the 3. To the 3rd,(which is actually, surprising to most) the middle child, I am Brammi. 

It took us a while to find this title. It was painful for me to let go of my Mother name and receive this new term for this new experience. I see that it is helpful and best and in all ways I try to be accommodating and help my psyche to comprehend why. 

To my sweet little one, my middle one, my one and only beautiful daughter, I am Brammi. To those who know her, I am her birth mother. The mother that birthed the babe, for the sister whose heart longed for one of her own. Not that my daughter’s mother is truly my sister and not that I planned this baby for her…just the unfolding and the weaving together that the Spirit does in our lives. 

This must be the thing I need to write about because there is much to say and sharing the story with audible words is sometimes like pulling teeth. I would rather not. Rather not go there, rather not bring it all up, rather not have some misunderstand me, or the impact that this had on my life and my heart. 

In the beginning that was such a challenge. Telling someone and not having their understanding, so I would have to tell the whole story. The whole story of where I was, who I was, what happened, what God did for me, what God asked of me, and how he healed me. It is long and I long for others to know and understand, but I don’t desire to tell everyone of you face to face. Sometimes they cry and I don’t, sometimes I cry and they don’t. Sometimes there just isn’t time and so I will begin to now refer all these that ask in the future to come to this place where they can read for themselves this journey of motherhood. 

I entered motherhood at a young age. I was 16 when I became pregnant with my first, beautiful son. I recall being a young girl and dreaming of having children, lots of them, from every nation. 

I grew up with a mostly absentee biological father, a few bad boyfriends, and then an angry, abusive, addict step-father. 

I know from most learning that the absence of a father greatly effects children. In girls their identity, their value, their hearts are never affirmed, cherished, loved, when the father is gone or full of hate. 

The damage this does for a daughter is severe and plays out differently for each child. I didn’t know my worth growing up. I longed for attention from men, young and old.

 I didn’t know as a young girl that I needed the love of a daddy, I didn’t know that God was my daddy, and I didn’t know the way God felt about me. I didn’t know protection. 

I didn’t know my identity. I was hungry for love. Yearning for love and attention and acceptance from men. I see this when I look at young girls, and I know their pain and I understand the reason.

I endured sexual abuse as a child. I won’t go into any details but that this too was a drive for me to be sexually active at a young age. 

So, at age 16 I became pregnant. I was 5 hours north of my hometown and was at a party with mutual friends. It didn’t seem odd, crazy, or bizarre to me that a 16 year old travelled 5 hours north of her home by herself and hung out with people she befriended from the computer or hardly knew, this was fairly normal activity for me since I was 15. As a grown woman I would be shocked to hear about this, but I must remember the story.

Intoxicated by a few different substances I went home with a man I met at the party. My friends didn’t care enough to tell me not to, I was to drunk and high on cocaine to know not to, and so I went. 

I woke up the next morning feeling very afraid and uncomfortable and glad to leave as soon as I could. 

As soon as I returned home my heavy, broken heart knew that the life I was leading was sad and far from God. I had been reaching for God and been feeling his hands of love pursue me since I was a girl. So with my tattered heart I again turned over my life to the my creator and began to let Him heal and woe me back to wholeness.

A month later I turned 17. I knew that something was different on my birthday. I felt awful, hormonal, sore breasts, etc. Not long after I learned I was pregnant. 

Telling my mom was a hurdle I had to face and the challenges we had were painful. Since that was so long ago and she is not that person and I will not go into details. 

In the end she came around and became my biggest supporter for raising my beautiful, half black, son. 

I didn’t know his dad. I didn't know his dad’s last name, my friend’s who I had known up north were not my friends any longer since I became a parent, and they had no connection to his dad anyways. I couldn't find him on social media and I was deeply saddened that I would never be able to tell him who his father was. 

I wonder if I should now name this blog a list of God’s miracles, because as I write I will be obliged to tell again and again of the miraculous hand of God lovingly moving in my life.

When my son was about 7 months ago I got a call from a good friend asking me about my son’s dad. She already knew the details and we had spent time together trying to find him on social media, to no avail without the last name being known. She asked me again about him because she said that our mutual friend was telling her how much my son looked like a guy he had known when he lived up north, this guy happened to have the same name. I thought that was interesting, and very funny since I knew this family too and they had never told me about this resemblance, but I didn’t think it could be real. Our mutual friend had a picture of the same named look alike to my son, so I made a plan to go to their house the next day. Full of emotions I went, and unsure if I would recognize him, I looked at the photo from an old work party my friend had. Turns out….same guy. What?

Let us look at the facts. I live in a small town, I went to a church of about 30 people, out of those 30 people one family had lived 5 hours away and then moved back. When they lived away they had a job and one of their co-workers was dating a man, that man happened to be the biological father to my son whom I couldn’t for the life of me find. Wow. God you are so good. 

The phone conversation that happened the next day was awkward and my son and I met his other side of the family when he was 9 months old. Turns out God is so good that the man and his family, who could have been any creep or weirdo, happened to be fairly normal and from a sweet family who loved God. 

Even still the man was a grown up child and he continually failed to call or communicate with us to keep in touch with my son. He never sent money when I asked him. Never helped out financially except maybe buying some presents that weren’t even age appropriate every now and then (this is a relationship in progress and He is trying). I didn’t want to file for child support because I didn’t want to deal with custody issues and I wasn’t at all into the idea of sharing my son with a complete stranger. I was never financially helped and physically supported in raising my son from the time I was 17, except from my mom as she was able. 

Fast forward through a lot of really amazing and hard and wild stories of me moving to the east coast twice and then ending up in northern, CA when my son was 4. I moved here from Philly to attend college with one of my best friend single mama friends from my home-town, which was 9 hours south. 

A few months into moving here my best-friend left to go back to our home-town and I was alone with my son in a town I had never been in without any friends or church community.

Trouble brewing. 

I became pregnant about 7 months into living here. I was going to be growing marijuana with a business friend and was thrilled to finally be able to make enough money to get off welfare. 

I trusted my friend who was going to set me up in business and it was going to be legal and safe and the only real problem was I didn’t know how to grow weed.

The friends I had acquired while living there were very interesting. I suppose I was at a low point in life and my friend choices showed that clearly. With my desire to learn how to grow, I aligned myself with

those that  knew, those in the industry, those who could teach me. They don’t just teach you for nothing…so of course my choices were male. I was lonely, so so lonely. I was far from God in my heart and I sought 

men to fill this gap. The men I choose were bad choices…but ones who could help me in my new business. After one traumatic situation with a man another came to my rescue only to traumatize me more than

the first. I didn’t intend to sleep with him but after smoking who knows what, and apparently ovulating, I became pregnant again. 

So there I was. Fairly young single mama living in the country, trying to go to college, trying to build and set up a warehouse to grow hydroponic herb, dealing with horrible morning sickness, staph infections, and a crazy meth addicted ,seriously scary, baby daddy.  It was sad. I was sad. I made an appointment at planned parenthood. I cancelled it. I had to drop out of school. It got worse and worse and eventually I had to call the cops and send him to jail. He had a previous warrant out for his arrest and had to be locked up for at least 3 months. This 3 month period gave me time to make a plan. The plan was get as far away as possible so he couldn’t find me. Again the plan was, God I am so sorry…I have made a mess of my life without you. 

Suffering post traumatic stress and pregnancy I decided I needed community again. God most certainly came in. He brought me a friend, who almost didn’t come but felt compelled to, who told me about Portland and the community of believers there. It sounded like what I was looking for and needing so I took my beat up old pick up truck and my son and drove 8 or more hours north to visit and see if we could find a room to rent in communal christian housing. The way God orchestrated that weekend is amazing. It stretched me, made me uncomfortable, and forced me to call and connect with people I didn’t want to. In the end all of the events led me to a craft fair. That didn’t seem to be very useful but it was fun to look at the amazing portland arts. While walking around with a newly made friend I became acquainted with one of her friends she ran into. This new person happened to be the wife to a pastor whose church I had e-mailed about communal housing and rooms for rent. How random? They didn’t have church services during the weekend so I wouldn’t have been able to meet her unless God intervened. She was aware of my e-mail and glad to meet me. She walked around with my son and I the rest of the day and had dinner with us before we left to head back down to where we were living. I got to hear her story and she got to hear mine. Her spirit was sweet, gentle, safe and I was able to share without feeling condemned. I wasn’t planning an adoption, and I wasn’t phased by the fact that her and her husband couldn’t get pregnant and wanted to adopt. The word adoption did come up before this meeting. Two christian friends mentioned it to me and I hated it. Then I looked online at a christian adoption webpage and crying my eyes out knew I could never pick a family. Meeting this new person was good, but I wasn’t moved to the idea of adoption, it was to heart wrenching and awful to think about. I loved my baby. I loved my children. I am a passionate mama who has always wanted little ones and I wanted this baby…I just wanted different circumstances and a different situation. I knew that she was a she before I found out. I knew that she would be born right around my birthday. I knew that she would be so much like me. I loved her and I felt so much pain. 

We ended up moving to Washington state. One of my best friends and her daughter had moved there from the east coast and I needed her companionship. Portland was a new city with new people and in my trauma I couldn’t handle talking to people. I was a homeless mess with my truck packed full of our belongings and nowhere to live in Washington. We found a room to rent but the man, an older teacher, was a total creep. Another door opened and we moved into a trans gendered queer socially active permaculture communal house that was passionate about natural child birth and supporting single mamas. I certainly learned a lot being there. I was getting pretty pregnant by this point and couldn’t get a job. I lived on off of welfare, $400 something a month…a little more than my rent. I cried all the time. I felt stuck. Hopeless. I remember believing that I ruined my life. I had no hope and I hated Washington. I knew I couldn’t do it. Time went on and I just knew I couldn’t. I processed with a house mate and my best friend and I cried. 

I knew after my daughter was born she would need to go to daycare soon after and my son to school so that I could get a job to make enough money to support us. I hated that idea. I knew she wouldn’t have a dad, just like my son who had grown up without one. Just like I grew up without one. I knew that I was broken. I began to consider adoption, though timidly and with so many walls in my heart. I emailed the woman I met in Portland and asked her if I decided to go the route of adoption if she and her husband would be interested, based on her story. I opened the door of communication about adoption…I took the first step off solid ground into new unknown territory. She of course said yes and she put me in contact with a woman they copastored with who had both been adopted and had children that she had adopted in an open adoption. This was my first learning about open adoption. Open adoption…for those who don’t know is much like it sounds. Instead of it be closed, children know who their birth parents are. They know their story. In different adoptions it looks different, for many open adoptions there is contact between the two families. Pictures, visits, etc. This helped soften my heart to the idea, knowing that if I chose that path that I wouldn’t loose my darling love forever. 

I met with the woman and heard her story and her words, wisdom, advice, encouragement, no pressure to any decision. That meeting helped. I got to see a beautiful, strong woman who had endured the pain of letting her children go to be raised by a more capable set of parents who could meet their needs. I saw that she didn’t break into a million pieces and die but that she healed, she grew, she recovered from her loss to get married and have children. She has relationship with her children who ere adopted and their parents. This all helped my heart and mind. 

I remember at some point I knew adoption was the route. I didn’t tell the family, in case I changed my mind, but I started to let it become real in my mind. I remember telling my son…he had turned 5 during this. One of the hardest parts of this journey was my son. He was so in love with His sister. So in love with my belly, with the baby, with his baby sister. So proud, so protective, so sweet. I can’t even write this without crying. His pain in addition to my pain broke my heart. He hated it. Hated hearing my words trying to gently explain to his 5 year old mind and to help his heart understand what I was saying. How to prepare him for what was coming so he wouldn’t be in a state of shock when she was there and then gone. He understood, but he didn’t accept, he didn’t enjoy, and we both suffered.  

Everyday suffering. I learned how painful questions from people were. Simple questions from strangers…When are you due? What are you having? and then the horrible questions and comments…Are you excited to be a big brother? My son would hide behind my back. He knew what was happening and he didn’t know how to answer them. Of course he was excited to be a big brother, if he had been allowed the opportunity to become one. They would tell me how great that I had a boy first and then a girl after and they would ask and say so many things that must be so common and normal to say and ask but in the situation they were all daggers to our hearts. Sweet sad little son of mine…he didn’t know what to say, he just felt the pain, and I felt the pain double. I was angry. Angry at my hurt. Angry at my life and the unfairness of it all. Angry that my children had to suffer. Angry at the questions. Oh I hurt and I burned with pain and I knew no escape. I tried only to ease it all for my son and to be what he needed as much as I could. 

I started journaling. Crying out to God. I wanted to leave Washington so badly, I wanted to be near my family (though we were so different and distant and they were in no situation to help me at all) and near my friends. A door opened for me to work in Northern, CA and I, in faith, packed up my truck and son for a few weeks of work before we would return to birth a baby. I was probably 7 months pregnant at this point. 

My mom watched Elisha for a handful of weeks while I worked on a mountain in Northern, CA. Full of an almost full grown baby I worked my butt off in the hot heat cooking in an outdoor kitchen for 20-30 people. I carried water from a sink some distance from the kitchen to cook with and climbed up and down large wood stumps to get in and out of the kitchen. There was no roof, it was hot. I slept in the back of my pick-up truck. I accepted as little help from the men as I could and had a hard shell...but even here there were such amazing people loving me and providing me with a safe retreat to continue to consider the weighty decision that lay ahead of me, adoption. At this point I wasn't communicating with the family that would adopt my daughter, I just couldn't talk and think. So I spent weeks alone on the mountain working and then staring into the trees and letting my Spirit rise up to God. 

The farm life

Trailer demolition.

We prepare to head north for the month of october.
Yota Mira is in rapid transformatiom

As is my family

Joy

Peace

Bliss

Love

when you sleep, i speak.

this computer is about to die.

a game i played in the midnight toll.

the stars weren't aware that I wanted a late night stroll.

Kittens make your mischief

on your make shift tree

my frustration

this communication

our relation

your glorification

no unification

waiting satisfaction

delayed gratification

wearisome tribulation

awaited transfiguration

undone damnation

my purification

completion

how all these faces they adore you, so the blessings they pour out on you.

This life is so amazing. Some days I can hardly breathe from the beauty that is pressing in on me. All around us. All around us.
May our hearts be content and at peace as we rest in this infinite love that surrounds us.
On a ranch, in an olive grove, under a tree that made a canopy for you and for me. the light shown through the leaves that you would trim away to make more room. room to grow. i hiked the land and searched and found treasures up and down. i sat way up high in an old oak tree grove. the leaves were thick and carpeted the land. crunch, crunch, crunch. the ants and I took our moments here. Two bouquets were picked. How can one walk by the most wonderfully designed flowers and overlook them, or tread upon them, nay i will gather some small remains and arrange them. Bringing glory, constantly. I saw the bridal cabin. This was a lovely touch. Talked business. Have been soaking up the favor and the blessings in having so many connections to source from for my ideas. I feel that the launch will be soon. All good things are coming towards me. All good things I need and those I don't fall by the way side. You shall gather and reap when it is harvest time. Here at the vineyard harvest time shall be Monday. I have been sampling the fresh pressed Sauv Blanc. Delicious. I got the count on the blocks right today at the work meeting. Tasting those sugars Brandi, way to go. I am excited to leave this desk. I have not been feeling well for sometime now. Tomorrow is Bee keeping class day. My friend from the farm is coming with me. Then we will go to my work party at one of the owners house. The next day we will hike with the assistant wine maker to a hot spring...my friend is going to try and use tubs and tubes and the sun to force the cold air out of the hot spring and put hot water back in. We are also going to see the spring with some sort of clay. This will be a fun project. So much today. So much to say. Lets give thanks. What else. All moments are coming together. I am looking for odd and strange instruments to start playing.

Hoping for a mirage.

You'll see.

Oh, to dance and be free. To move like you need.

watch my fall apart, only love, show my your heart.

okay. so the trip also had a main theme.. Galilee. First time back in the community after being gone for four years. After my death and life. After I changed. After the birth of my daughter Galilee. That some family in the community knew about and then others did not. And it was so sweet. Because I so love to have her a part of my community. And that was something that was really hard for me was that they didn't know. They didn't know me and they didn't she was alive and just any of my life. I was so blessed by how many did know. And the amazing and beautiful and intimate moments I got to share with them all. I love my friends and family in Philadelphia. I need more words. Words like how I feel safe with them. I feel valued. I feel like I be myself.. in a way different from here in CA. Because my relationships and the nature of how people live and what they believe and how they love and interact is very different there and yet surprisingly always the same. So it was good. I had some good one on ones and little pod, group sessions of sharing hearts, laughing hysterically, watching elisha spin dj records and rock out, dancing with a friend, smoking, etc. Even here I want to omit that part about smoking. But it happened. it was real.

 I have in fact dreamed about most of this. No joke. I dream about Philadelphia all the time. Well often. One of my most reoccurring dream places and its been for the last 5 years. And so many of the things and themes of my dreams have and are happening. Which is really quite normal. Because as I have already been saying God is always around us and loving us. At that time I needed dreams. At this time I choose not to but they weren't getting interpreted so they really were becoming confusing. I miss my friends so much on the East coast. I really may want to live there again soon. I dont know if that would be temporary, long term visits, or full time for 10er. Woah. So thats there too. But I have so many plans and they are mostly here.
anyways.
goodnight again.
peace and joy to youall.

come on, love.

I want to cover Ben Howard's song Only love. Doesn't have to send anything like how its played. So I need help. Just a prayer. Out there. YES.

moments of bliss. then there was this...

I came home to mi madre! So Excited! As the exclamation mark depicts a few times...anyways.
I am rapidly loosing my many and many thoughts and ideas and letters i would love to be writing to friends or to facebook or in some outlet so that I might be able to know that I have given my love away as seemed fitting and while it dwells within it burns and consumes until that fiery love must give birth and deliver its message. i have no need for it to be returned. more like.. i am observing this desire within myself lately and understanding myself more. non-attachments. neh. i traveled the entire day today. I don't know what time zone my body is on....I never adjusted, just slept a whole lot less for some days and a whole lot more on others. Ah, Bliss. wonderful is this life and its delightful surprises behind every, every, every single millisecond that passes us in a day. I would like to say something. I believe that in my life personally, but of course( because whom else could I speak for but my own experience?), I have noticed that when I am faced with the hardest shit known to human kind and humiliated, feeling my worst, hating everything, hating others, hating church, etc....those times when I have accepted it and dove head first into this fear, this idea, this object, this person that was once inside me that was a sweet little lady love, this poverty, this trauma, this violation, this wrong, this acceptance, this forgiveness, this salvation, this sweet intimacy with Jesus, Spirit, God....in such unique ways each, this joy, this peace, this pain, these scars, this heart, when it is all upside and inside out and doesn't make any sense how anything could ever good come of what I am in and it seems like the worst idea to make I say yes and then...!!!! this was what I was actually getting at, is how I have come to a place of being able to let go. Let go of myself. This is called surrender to some folks. Let go of my fear.s I let go of my pride. I let go of the image I've created for myself for forever up until the moment which is a tangent I wont head into, this pain...again, blah, but I received. I learned to receive. I have been shown more love than I have ever known. Through God. Everyday. In every every single moment in every way. He is always there with each and Every single one of You. Sometimes we can't see well but we don't want to get glasses right away....why? I dunno you tell me? Image? You don't want to see clearly? Money? What if you really didn't want to see clearly! that'd be a hoot. What if you couldn't hear all the way? What If you wouldn't get an earpiece because it was....too expensive? ugly? annoying? uhhhh? So, in love,my point is that sometimes we actually may, or may not, choose to allow ourselves to suffer because ........            ?


I have been here. Not wanting to see clearly. Not wanting to feel. Not wanting to care. Not wanting to live.Not wanting to suffer...but then still knowing that inevitably we all suffer. We will suffer. We have to suffer. Shoot I rejoice in suffering these days. More and more I am trying. I have grown the most in this letting go of fear and letting in love. It is scary as hell. Haha. hahaha. oh man. Risky. Dangerous. Sounds like better than what everybody elses doing and playing it safe. I am risky business. not. oooo business.

back to my road trip home.

My mom was being so sweet. We haven't spent alone time together in.....................................

yeah.

Because her boyfriend, my step dad?, Steve, is always with her...or one of my sisters...or...

So it was really nice and a little bit awkward for me in the beginning. I love my mom. Yay. She came and got me and is so lovely. We sang songs and she taught my things about California I never knew before. Ah. Duh, how did I forget that one. Man, I have so many ideas running through my head getting home. That is one of the reasons I needed to write, though, I don't think I will write about it all on this forum. But I was telling my mom about a handful of the things I was thinking about and she had some good ideas and connections and started ebaying and goggling the things I would need. That was so great to have her support and excitement about what I was planning and dreaming up. I so need that enthusiasm and excitement of another person in what I am doing. I guess I dont need but I enjoy it.

Got home finally. Drove an old route home hwy 154 through Los Padres National Forest. I am not sure why I have not been here sooner. I have had so many times Ive been researching places to explore around here and take Elisha on hikes and out in nature...I only ventured south once and it was to Soquoi Falls or something in Santa Ynez. So this new place has painted caves and I believe theres a hike to a natural hot spring somewhere out there and red rock which is this amazing river I used to go to with my family when I was young with massive boulders to side on and jump in the river....(at least when its deep, ya know how it goes). Excited about these new adventures. My mom and I talked wine talk today. More so about wineries she knew but I took the conversation to the vineyards and got some good talk going on how the grapes are grown etc...I dont know too much yet but I ask questions and was surprised at the amount of information ive retained and picked up the past 4 or months at the winery. this is good news. It is good to always learn new things. Many things. thats my problem. the other reason I was on the blog was because I was frustrated I couldn't write to my very lovely and dearest friend in all the world whom I miss so much already and I haven't even been apart from her for a full 24 hours. Dang. And my phone won't work. This computer is against me and won't allow me to go on Facebook or check my Gmail. No joke. But maybe the computer is in actuality for me and not against me. For all things are for me, and indeed for my good. and I really have no NEED to go on either of those. Tomorrow I work. Wooaisduflajfljsf. That will be good. I hope all is well. Blessings be to the world place and the Owners and all people and especially the feild workers who are working so hard now during harvest time. May the harvest be plentiful and the wine be good!
Hallejulah!
So I wanted to write this dear friend of mine a love, thank you, bless you, I need to share my honest emotions and heart with you, how are you, this is what's happened, let us share words, note..
etc....this was all to be in the letter. but now as I write these things I think...perhaps, you already know that I would say them. Sometimes words may be many, many times word should be few. Let us love with our actions and more with our do that with that  which  we spew with our lips what is false and untrue. 

I will come home. He can come too. Yall can go hither. Ill be anon. You raise the cannon and come southern dawn. Awake no winter. Let sun warm you all. Lets dance little children. Hes loved us all well. Dance brother autumn. Let winds bring you closer. I'll be sleeping still. 

It is amazing what honesty will do. The truth will kill...every false pretense and judgement placed upon your head. It will burn until scarlet is red and these chosen see a bit of you, you Jesus. You sweet and gentle one who asks of all and begs of none. You lowly one, down in the dirt sweaty and tending. You come now and you wash my feet. Such love...I shiver now to think, nay know, it so. So long to run in circles but to abandon all is bliss. To be known forever and eternity as always as this.


I am

   my beloveds. 
and 
my beloved is
              mine. 

Pretty good thing the theme of my life is tattooed on my chest, eh. haha. santa maria eh, rather than a Canadian eh. for anyone who would ever know what I was referring to you you would probably chuckle right there.

So good night world. I have emptied enough of my chest to sleep well for work tomorrow. Then I can try again and connect with the outside world. Just remain calm, the inside is at peace within. 

Love you. Bless you all so. If anyone dared read this entire story I applaud you. I am deleriously tired and physical and mental exhausting may be happening. BTW. What I also need to applaud is Mothers. Dear Lord, I love you. I love that you made women to be so amazing, so strong, so selfless, so talented, so generous, so passionate, so brave, so sensitive, so needed. You have made women and gifted and blessed them. We give life. you give life. it does make sense why we are hated by the forces that be. But I have watched and observed so many various women this trip in my friend group and in the city and on the train and I am just amazed. Watching them carry strollers and children and bags up flights of stairs and travel and wake up early and in the night and clean and cook and work and some do it completely alone and those women are like super hero ninjas. But you also should ask them about their lives. because as I am one of them...haha...I could tell you that I am blessed. That I get jobs that are impossible, or have never existed before and are created for me, or jobs that are strenuous and hard on my body but pay really well (organic house cleaning, cooking for large amounts of people outdoors, caring for children, etc). I get free cars. Yep. I have now had 2 cars been given to me for free. Because...God loves me. I have really hard crazy and wacky life circumstances, mostly and mainly because I make stupid decisions, and that mostly and mainly happens when I am choosing to not want to see but continue to suffer and hide and try to fix myself, but God has loved me even when I am doing that. Just always. All the time. Loving me. Loving you. Pouring it out. Pouring out just ...what...we ... need. Thats such a funny thing to say. Because We know (well kind of) that we need food and water and sleep and then theres that other list of emotional, physical, etc needs that I learned in my psych class last semester. But with many other things in our lives I think we do not at all know what we need. Because I think that we always have what we need. Which is hilarious that I am saying that right now. Or how I should phrase this is something more like what we need is always coming to us at always that precise moment in time and space when it should explode into reality in front of you. But you may want whatever that is to 1. look like how you want you need to look. or 2. want to see the good side of it happen now before we commit to saying yes to something that is not what we need. what I need. Is that important. Yes. I am important. Does God give me what I need? And if yes then is it always?  I can only answer from the present moment but in this present moment I look around me and within me and I should say that I have everything I need. I think if the Lord gave me a present it would be a Lover. ya know, a husbbbbb. yep. 

but I guess if this is where I am this I have everything I need. But I could very well be anywhere else in the entire world and have everything I need there too. Even if I left everything and took only my body and soul and spirit and my son's and we journeyed into the desert, the country, the woods, the mountains, the jungle, the beaches, the lakes, the rivers, the cities? I would have everything I needed there and anywhere else. This is the idea I am forming and working with believing entirely. That and to fully grasp and understand and live from a place of knowing, understanding, living in...experiencing God's love for me consistently and always in every moment and to never feel any bit of anxiousness or bitterness or fear. I noticed many flaws in my character on this trip and many places where I have grown. And as I look upon the places I still struggle I merely smile at myself and say ah I am still learning and this is no race...I am on the good and right path and I will not be rushed or thrown off course. I am just am loved by AM in this moment as in the moments when I may or may not be freed from mental patterns and blocks ive acquired through the years and lies of believed as truths for so long. I do believe and hope there will be a time when all is lost and forgotten as I star at my makers face and I am perfect as He is perfect. Oh! ! ! I am perfect as He is perfect. hahahah. So amazing.
Goodnight...Thats the blessing. you are just as amazing as Jesus. He is in you and you him....you are thus perfect. Light. My own personal beliefs and experiences. Do not try this at home or be angry for voicing me thoughts. I love yours and our differences so write up. 

sometimes it seems so more harder....

than it needs to be. it needs not be so hard at all. or your perception of hard is harsh. you wear it heavy and it clings down to the ground. little lumps and big mountains, we all have our own barrel full. You have a needle and I have a haystack. Let us instead imagine it all as a great big surprise. A gift. A wonderful and long awaited gift. Perfect for this moment no matter how cumbersome it feels. You are growing. You are alive. You are right here and right now you are loved. Complete. Possessing everything you may ever need to find happiness or contentment. Often I see a lack of peace in my friends. Peace my friends. Peace, is with you. Presence of peace consume all else. All worries, needs, duties, feelings, fears, obligations, attachments, let us be free from strangling ourselves and each other. free to venture out and enjoy and sit still and allow. it is all the same. a coming and a going. a circle. a sphere. surely, he is always here.

Journal Entries, Lover's notes.

I have a rapidly accumulating collection of "journals" growing near my bed. The number is something over 7. A handful of these story taverns were started 3, 4, 7 years ago. So, I finished them in these last 2 years. Strange. I have also started many new ones, made a few, and completed them. I am finishing up a few that are very lovely and have birds, peace, love, etc.. on them. The colors and messages are good. It is wise to know that words are very powerful. Speak beautiful things over and to yourself. Agree with the creator...he sees you perfectly through his son. Anyways....I wanted to start sharing some of these stories with the world. They were when I was living on the east coast, in Arcata, Olympia, in Portland, on the Farm, At a families, at another families, and so on and so forth. What I am going to post now is about Galilee, my daughter, who I love and lives with her Mother and Father in Oregon. Open adoption, if you don't know what that is you should look it up. It is a good idea to look up things you don't understand or have only been told about by one group of people. Research, let the Spirit guide you...He is always teaching you. Oh by the way I was thinking about how God is omnipresent, In-dwelling, and manifests His presence...in everything, in me, in my presence( in reality) is His presence. hmmm...

Entry #1. Jan/12, I know not.

There's an area I'd like to get to, but I cant now. Not in this season, not at this time. The waters are flowing now. They are much higher, much clearer, and quite faster, than they were so long ago. All I can do is glance back, back to where I have been, back where I was in that time. That's what all of these moments are, me glancing back to where I was. (thankfully I now spend more time in the present moments than past) Sometimes I get to go back and sit this physical body in that physical space where the memory lived. I put my body and spirit near the creek and reflect. I remember how I felt, but only still a glimpse. My mind will, no matter how close I get to reenactment, never brings it fully back. It's distant...like remembering a story a friend told me, but not like it's my own story. Here, now, in this place, I sit my physical body on this bit of earth that evokes so many memories of our last moments together and remember. I look over my shoulder at what was, what took place, I could go and sit on the bench where I wrote hours before. Where I searched for You, where You flooded me with truth and light, where we made a promise. Can You remember that day also? How the psalms spoke to me like a sweet melody, like that of darlings who would hum to  one another, with the hope of bliss. You came and were so near to me when no one else could be. All I wanted was her, but I gave it over to You. What happened that day. Daddy, did you see? I crucified my heart, I nailed it to a tree. I didn't know where we would be, or that I could be here, but I trusted you for I know you are good. What a leap of faith, what obedience, You exchange life for life, that is just what You do. When I gave her to You, You gave me all of You. I glance back to that piece of earth where we 5 all sat together the day I signed her papers. The day she left me forever. She wasn't mine, no not even then. Though I love her more dearly than my friend. She is me and I am her, but we are apart. I have always loved you daughter, from the beginning, from the start. Rivers of tears have I cried to ease the pain in my heart. I cannot continue to look behind. It was God's beauty and majesty.His Glory and wonder displayed through you and through me. His streams are never ending, always on the move. One seasons low but the rain shall come again. He has made me full, my cup is never dry. Forever I will love you, forever I will cry. What a gift you are to me, my darling, my sweet child. To know the greatest sorrow in letting go of you. To know everlasting joy because I've never lost you. We belong to Him, Our Savior and our King. He's given us hope, he gave you everything!
The stream it murmurs and sings, it is alive with rich new life.
He has promised you a family and given me new life. My family is made complete, I have become His wife. I am His bride. I am clean. I am spotless. I am seen. I am lovely. I am grace. I am wanted now and always.


Here I stand before you.
Here I wait my days
Your gaze is ever towards me
I am yours always.

Come and take me home
Your purpose has been made known
The Lord is great and passionate
Worthy is the Lamb, who sits upon the throne .

Fear not my little children.
In your hearts I shall remain
Hold tight to hope my darlings
In His kingdom I shall reign

Let Love guide your path
It will always take you home

Holy is the Lord, who was, who is, and who is yet to come.


Love, Joy, Peace, Grace everlasting.

Oh Sweet Heart, I can only take your love looks for seconds at a time.

Every bird that flutters by

even the little swallows that pass over

are bringing a message of hope

I am near to you,  I am with you

yes, and always!

Lesser lovers  have came strolling by

but none were to keep your heart and be its cover

He tethers his every desire to live love for the bride, unbreakable rope

out at sea he searches for you, deep in your soul he sings love song to you

yes, and always!

circles of light, you remain all I need.

I found the computer I note on. The last writings
were dated back in 2010. Back to a time when I was
on the farm and would spend ample
time admiring the sunlight streaming through the
oak trees while swinging back and forth ever so
slowing on the old wooden, creaky chain swing. I was 
near to the outdoor kitchen, the small cement
platform with sparse wooden cabinetry and 
an old stove. It was up on the bluff overlooking
the lower landscaping and ponds.
I would swing and view my surroundings for hours.
I could have stayed there for months and years had
situations allowed. the tree house was smaller
back then, back when I could swing in solitary bliss.
many changes have been made since those days 
...i am grateful for the growth
and hopeful for the consummation of my return to 
the land. the chickens roam free now and they have
added to their flock a fearsome band of ducks,
turkeys, and the lone peacock and rooster.
sad old men, so determined to be near the lady
breed but with no tact. the dogs have also increased
in number and are tiresome at visiting their
feathered friends at a proximity I doubt they fowls
enjoy. It is busier. more life. i miss the
company of our friends that have left. i know my son
misses the young boy that took up residence
with his mom and joe in the tree house that year.
i wonder if they will be back. i so love them
and their travelling family band. however, i do
sense a freedom for elisha now that his farm is
back to the way it was. where he was the child that
roamed free and learned to master his imagination
and learn from the older ones. his maturity was
so evident today. there are other new changes
with the front house. i think i am glad for this
change also...i do desire that it was on better
terms. the stubbornness and coldness of religion
always rubs me the wrong way. i set aside conflict ions
and voices that may tempt me into choosing sides.
i chose to remain in love, i am sorry if you disagree.
i am open to displeasing you, my life has long
been given over to the pleasure of my one and only.
your wishes and desires are no longer pressing on
me night and day. i do not wish to please you.
love you i will, with his will working only. but
you may not always perceive it as love. in 
this love i will back away so that perhaps he
might reveal to you his perfect way...that at times
feels like torture. i know about torture.
I wait so patiently for my arrival outdoors.
the farm has new tenants.
some coming and some going. quickly and sporadically.
i enjoy this but do long to be a part of it as
well. oh community, you are so sweet. i miss 
differences in beliefs and personalities. and
yet i also long for the connection of shared
values and passion for the land. come now, let 
us connect this reverence for the land and stewardship
and blend it together with love for our Creator.
Love for the one who has rescued and redeemed us,
who has made all new, who will restore the earth
and all of creation when He is revealed to all. 
Oh that that day would be tomorrow. glimpses of 
unity, i long for more of these. i am understanding
more that his fiery love consumes all. i am
taking down simplistic and narrow minded beliefs
that his love is unable, and so weak to truly
allow us to live tied down. Has he not set us free.
are we free or are we slaves, slaves in our mind it seems to be.
 but if we believe and 
see ourselves in darkness and despair we shall
remain prisoners there. 
 even worse, we see each other in a light of performance and 
regulations. oh that we would understand love,
teach us, Oh sweet Master. I can't believe that
His love could leave us and fail us at all. He
is all for me, inside of me, I am perfect.
 I have become light,
come see me shine. i shine here and now in these poorly
made,sterile, square walls. I find peace and joy
all in all. I delight myself in His love, for me.
I dance triumphantly knowing He has infinitely 
more magic and blessings to bestow lavishly on me.
On the farm, there are many new changes. I see
this all around me. Seasons come and nothing
changes. Seasons go and nothing remains. It is 
all irrelevant, I suppose. If my eyes remain on
You all I see is light, dancing and bouncing from
here to there. All is light and all
other is darkness.