moments of bliss. then there was this...

I came home to mi madre! So Excited! As the exclamation mark depicts a few times...anyways.
I am rapidly loosing my many and many thoughts and ideas and letters i would love to be writing to friends or to facebook or in some outlet so that I might be able to know that I have given my love away as seemed fitting and while it dwells within it burns and consumes until that fiery love must give birth and deliver its message. i have no need for it to be returned. more like.. i am observing this desire within myself lately and understanding myself more. non-attachments. neh. i traveled the entire day today. I don't know what time zone my body is on....I never adjusted, just slept a whole lot less for some days and a whole lot more on others. Ah, Bliss. wonderful is this life and its delightful surprises behind every, every, every single millisecond that passes us in a day. I would like to say something. I believe that in my life personally, but of course( because whom else could I speak for but my own experience?), I have noticed that when I am faced with the hardest shit known to human kind and humiliated, feeling my worst, hating everything, hating others, hating church, etc....those times when I have accepted it and dove head first into this fear, this idea, this object, this person that was once inside me that was a sweet little lady love, this poverty, this trauma, this violation, this wrong, this acceptance, this forgiveness, this salvation, this sweet intimacy with Jesus, Spirit, God....in such unique ways each, this joy, this peace, this pain, these scars, this heart, when it is all upside and inside out and doesn't make any sense how anything could ever good come of what I am in and it seems like the worst idea to make I say yes and then...!!!! this was what I was actually getting at, is how I have come to a place of being able to let go. Let go of myself. This is called surrender to some folks. Let go of my fear.s I let go of my pride. I let go of the image I've created for myself for forever up until the moment which is a tangent I wont head into, this pain...again, blah, but I received. I learned to receive. I have been shown more love than I have ever known. Through God. Everyday. In every every single moment in every way. He is always there with each and Every single one of You. Sometimes we can't see well but we don't want to get glasses right away....why? I dunno you tell me? Image? You don't want to see clearly? Money? What if you really didn't want to see clearly! that'd be a hoot. What if you couldn't hear all the way? What If you wouldn't get an earpiece because it was....too expensive? ugly? annoying? uhhhh? So, in love,my point is that sometimes we actually may, or may not, choose to allow ourselves to suffer because ........            ?


I have been here. Not wanting to see clearly. Not wanting to feel. Not wanting to care. Not wanting to live.Not wanting to suffer...but then still knowing that inevitably we all suffer. We will suffer. We have to suffer. Shoot I rejoice in suffering these days. More and more I am trying. I have grown the most in this letting go of fear and letting in love. It is scary as hell. Haha. hahaha. oh man. Risky. Dangerous. Sounds like better than what everybody elses doing and playing it safe. I am risky business. not. oooo business.

back to my road trip home.

My mom was being so sweet. We haven't spent alone time together in.....................................

yeah.

Because her boyfriend, my step dad?, Steve, is always with her...or one of my sisters...or...

So it was really nice and a little bit awkward for me in the beginning. I love my mom. Yay. She came and got me and is so lovely. We sang songs and she taught my things about California I never knew before. Ah. Duh, how did I forget that one. Man, I have so many ideas running through my head getting home. That is one of the reasons I needed to write, though, I don't think I will write about it all on this forum. But I was telling my mom about a handful of the things I was thinking about and she had some good ideas and connections and started ebaying and goggling the things I would need. That was so great to have her support and excitement about what I was planning and dreaming up. I so need that enthusiasm and excitement of another person in what I am doing. I guess I dont need but I enjoy it.

Got home finally. Drove an old route home hwy 154 through Los Padres National Forest. I am not sure why I have not been here sooner. I have had so many times Ive been researching places to explore around here and take Elisha on hikes and out in nature...I only ventured south once and it was to Soquoi Falls or something in Santa Ynez. So this new place has painted caves and I believe theres a hike to a natural hot spring somewhere out there and red rock which is this amazing river I used to go to with my family when I was young with massive boulders to side on and jump in the river....(at least when its deep, ya know how it goes). Excited about these new adventures. My mom and I talked wine talk today. More so about wineries she knew but I took the conversation to the vineyards and got some good talk going on how the grapes are grown etc...I dont know too much yet but I ask questions and was surprised at the amount of information ive retained and picked up the past 4 or months at the winery. this is good news. It is good to always learn new things. Many things. thats my problem. the other reason I was on the blog was because I was frustrated I couldn't write to my very lovely and dearest friend in all the world whom I miss so much already and I haven't even been apart from her for a full 24 hours. Dang. And my phone won't work. This computer is against me and won't allow me to go on Facebook or check my Gmail. No joke. But maybe the computer is in actuality for me and not against me. For all things are for me, and indeed for my good. and I really have no NEED to go on either of those. Tomorrow I work. Wooaisduflajfljsf. That will be good. I hope all is well. Blessings be to the world place and the Owners and all people and especially the feild workers who are working so hard now during harvest time. May the harvest be plentiful and the wine be good!
Hallejulah!
So I wanted to write this dear friend of mine a love, thank you, bless you, I need to share my honest emotions and heart with you, how are you, this is what's happened, let us share words, note..
etc....this was all to be in the letter. but now as I write these things I think...perhaps, you already know that I would say them. Sometimes words may be many, many times word should be few. Let us love with our actions and more with our do that with that  which  we spew with our lips what is false and untrue. 

I will come home. He can come too. Yall can go hither. Ill be anon. You raise the cannon and come southern dawn. Awake no winter. Let sun warm you all. Lets dance little children. Hes loved us all well. Dance brother autumn. Let winds bring you closer. I'll be sleeping still. 

It is amazing what honesty will do. The truth will kill...every false pretense and judgement placed upon your head. It will burn until scarlet is red and these chosen see a bit of you, you Jesus. You sweet and gentle one who asks of all and begs of none. You lowly one, down in the dirt sweaty and tending. You come now and you wash my feet. Such love...I shiver now to think, nay know, it so. So long to run in circles but to abandon all is bliss. To be known forever and eternity as always as this.


I am

   my beloveds. 
and 
my beloved is
              mine. 

Pretty good thing the theme of my life is tattooed on my chest, eh. haha. santa maria eh, rather than a Canadian eh. for anyone who would ever know what I was referring to you you would probably chuckle right there.

So good night world. I have emptied enough of my chest to sleep well for work tomorrow. Then I can try again and connect with the outside world. Just remain calm, the inside is at peace within. 

Love you. Bless you all so. If anyone dared read this entire story I applaud you. I am deleriously tired and physical and mental exhausting may be happening. BTW. What I also need to applaud is Mothers. Dear Lord, I love you. I love that you made women to be so amazing, so strong, so selfless, so talented, so generous, so passionate, so brave, so sensitive, so needed. You have made women and gifted and blessed them. We give life. you give life. it does make sense why we are hated by the forces that be. But I have watched and observed so many various women this trip in my friend group and in the city and on the train and I am just amazed. Watching them carry strollers and children and bags up flights of stairs and travel and wake up early and in the night and clean and cook and work and some do it completely alone and those women are like super hero ninjas. But you also should ask them about their lives. because as I am one of them...haha...I could tell you that I am blessed. That I get jobs that are impossible, or have never existed before and are created for me, or jobs that are strenuous and hard on my body but pay really well (organic house cleaning, cooking for large amounts of people outdoors, caring for children, etc). I get free cars. Yep. I have now had 2 cars been given to me for free. Because...God loves me. I have really hard crazy and wacky life circumstances, mostly and mainly because I make stupid decisions, and that mostly and mainly happens when I am choosing to not want to see but continue to suffer and hide and try to fix myself, but God has loved me even when I am doing that. Just always. All the time. Loving me. Loving you. Pouring it out. Pouring out just ...what...we ... need. Thats such a funny thing to say. Because We know (well kind of) that we need food and water and sleep and then theres that other list of emotional, physical, etc needs that I learned in my psych class last semester. But with many other things in our lives I think we do not at all know what we need. Because I think that we always have what we need. Which is hilarious that I am saying that right now. Or how I should phrase this is something more like what we need is always coming to us at always that precise moment in time and space when it should explode into reality in front of you. But you may want whatever that is to 1. look like how you want you need to look. or 2. want to see the good side of it happen now before we commit to saying yes to something that is not what we need. what I need. Is that important. Yes. I am important. Does God give me what I need? And if yes then is it always?  I can only answer from the present moment but in this present moment I look around me and within me and I should say that I have everything I need. I think if the Lord gave me a present it would be a Lover. ya know, a husbbbbb. yep. 

but I guess if this is where I am this I have everything I need. But I could very well be anywhere else in the entire world and have everything I need there too. Even if I left everything and took only my body and soul and spirit and my son's and we journeyed into the desert, the country, the woods, the mountains, the jungle, the beaches, the lakes, the rivers, the cities? I would have everything I needed there and anywhere else. This is the idea I am forming and working with believing entirely. That and to fully grasp and understand and live from a place of knowing, understanding, living in...experiencing God's love for me consistently and always in every moment and to never feel any bit of anxiousness or bitterness or fear. I noticed many flaws in my character on this trip and many places where I have grown. And as I look upon the places I still struggle I merely smile at myself and say ah I am still learning and this is no race...I am on the good and right path and I will not be rushed or thrown off course. I am just am loved by AM in this moment as in the moments when I may or may not be freed from mental patterns and blocks ive acquired through the years and lies of believed as truths for so long. I do believe and hope there will be a time when all is lost and forgotten as I star at my makers face and I am perfect as He is perfect. Oh! ! ! I am perfect as He is perfect. hahahah. So amazing.
Goodnight...Thats the blessing. you are just as amazing as Jesus. He is in you and you him....you are thus perfect. Light. My own personal beliefs and experiences. Do not try this at home or be angry for voicing me thoughts. I love yours and our differences so write up.