Everything runs in extremes.
Country. City. Ocean. Shit hole. Lots of people with little sleep. Little people with lots of sleep.
Or maybe that is just how I interpret everything around me and inside me.
I think that is why I am going crazy, or have been crazy.
I spent my first day at home in West Philly today. I somehow convinced Elisha to sleep in. We made breakfast burritos, he is extremely into helping me cook. We fumbled around the house. Played trains, drums, cleaned, and then went for a walk to the green line cafe and clark park.
We played with leaves. Saw Mike Weiss and Penny. An Egyptian man with a son who goes to Elisha's school. We talked about Egypt and he kept calling Elisha a girl. We went home and rearranged, fought about nap time, and a friend came to visit.
So..West Philly was nice...but I am at that point again where I feel out of my mind.
It is not entirely my fault. I will blame it on the randomness thats been floating around my brain for the past week or so. I keep having strange dreams. I wake up and will have the hardest time trying to figure out if they were dreams because I swear it happened. That keeps happening along with memories of the past that I feel like I've never had before. Oh and the fact that I see at least 3 people a day that I swear are people I know from California, and not even close friends...just people. Like this strange force is trying to blur my memories and lines between the two places I know. Merging them into one lump of confusion and familiarity. What does this all mean? Why is everyone so familiar. Why are so many people coming up that I haven't thought of in years. Why do I miss people so intensely? It won't be there at all and then one day it is like I can't breathe or function properly without these people in my life. I miss Eva and Elliot. I miss Amanda and the boys. I miss the Wahls. I miss Leanne and her boys. I miss them so dearly and it makes me cry to think about. I can't go back there again. It couldn't last that long anyways. I just love being with them. Because I hate being alone so badly. Because I love to mesh my family with theirs. To have constant interaction with people that are focused on children. I miss being open enough with people to show them my impersonations, make videos of my crazy song playing, baking, creating, crafting, exercising, craziness. Fuck. Why couldnt everyday be filled with that. Why the hell did I have to work all the time and go out of my mind. Why is living somewhere so difficult and now I can't stay in one house longer than 4 months. How long does it take to remake these connections? Are there people are boring yet funny as those that I left. bluasldfkjalsjfajdslfj. My life. I feel boring to people that don't have children. I make up for it and am left tired, run-down, guilty. It is hard to relate and hang out often with people without children. Do you find that hard or just me? I think it is hard. Our lives are so different. I wake up every morning around 6. Everything I do has to have something for Elisha to do...but it can be fun when looked at with the right attitude. I just think that attitude comes when you also have a child. What am i getting at? I don't know. Im just typing what has been floating in my brain. I feel unhappy that I am not doing things im passionate about. Parenting, gardening, crafting, sewing, baking, learning new sustainable living skills, reading, exploring, hiking, etc. I am trying to get there. Tomorrow I am working on the garden. I don't know what else. Tonight I looked at Seattle's craigslist and Portland. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks. I wonder if this will be a problem.
im not a big fan of myself lately.
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