Prayer. The lack of. The need for.

I am still unsure of what just happened. I am still amazed at my life.

I have been depressed for such a long while now. Mostly money. I hate worrying and thinking about money. However there comes a point where whether you want it to or not it catches up with you. It caught up with me. The lack of. Debt. Bills. Unable to make enough money. Unsure of what to do or if I should be here. Constant mental break downs and stress.

This Christmas was a bit of an amazement like last years. Poor. Unable to buy Elisha much...which really I don't mind because I don't think you should buy children mass amounts of presents. Not what it is about...but still a guilty feeling that I am not providing. I didn't have a chistmas tree...oh bother. My church paid a debt of mine. Blessing 1. Still stress. Unexpected generous gifts of money. Sarah's family taking us in. Getting Elisha his own tree to decorate. Buying him so many gifts, he was a bit too spoiled. It worked out.

After Christmas I dreaded coming back to the city. Still unsure of what to do. Unable to get a job to cover expenses. Having to move from the studio with no kitchen to far away West Philly. Feeling angry with the community for not wanting to live with Elisha. Feeling angry in general. Marlee stepped in and is moving with us. It is still far away. But I feel that with Marlee it doesn't really matter how far I am.

Then these past few weeks unexpected bills, car insurance, and crap coming up out of nowhere. One after another. Yesterday was most likely the worst. Parking tickets, the realization that my insurance ended, getting pulled over for no reason, bad conversation with someone about money and living situations, feeling scared of people, cell phone went crazy, on and on and on. I cried so much last night. Frustated. I can't provide for Elisha. Wishing someone else would raise him because I feel like I'm not making it. Stress. Overwhelming crying and shaking. Talking to Marlee about G-d. Not really any relationship there. Not believing or feeling like he/she cares. No praying...because really, does G-d even answer prayers. If I have a real problem and pray and you don't answer I will feel bitterness and disbelief. In some random statement last night I said, Dear G-d, Please give me - numbe of money, thanks," in a very sarcastic and bitter manner.

Today went better. Finally picked up knitting. Moved into new house. Not sure who would help. Kim came and I ran into Marco who I barely know and he offered to come. It was amazing that I found him. He was telling me how he was praying beforehand to be able to be helpful today. Then he found me and felt like his prayers were answered. I dropped Kim off and Marco was able to help me finish moving. If he didn't come I wouldn't have been able to get it finished. We talked a lot about praying. About G-d. My fears and bitterness. He talked about how great praying was. Just in everyday life. Talking to G-d about everything. Real things. Like being mad at him. Things that aren't pretty of fuzzy. He quoted bible dudes in a general casual manner that made it sound less like someone preaching to you. About Peter feeling like he was being burned and crushed from all sides. All to cast his fears and troubles on G-d. So much of this. This information that I know. Somehow I've forgotten. The refining. The promise that it isn't going to be easy, you will suffer, but the difference of knowing Christ is that you can still have joy and peace. Well I don't have that peace. Oh, I also don't pray or talk to Christ. hm....At the end of this Marco gave me a new journal to write prayers in. Encouraged me beyond belief and gave me much to think about. And then handed me a check for the amount that I had jokingly asked G-d for the previous night. I don't deserve it. I don't know if I can accept it. But I do know that G-d loves me. That he hears me. That he cares. That there is something at work in our lives, something like perfect timing, and his own Will. So I give up now. Give up the fight to do things myself. To plan my life on my own terms. It will take work. But I'd like to let G-d lead. I'd encouage anyone who may read this to try.