in time memories fade

somethings gone wrong inside. a loss of control has brought upon an uncontrolable wave of emotions. no reasoning. i cant process. i dont see myself how i want to be anymore. weak, unsure, defeated, lost. what just happened? hope has faded into despair and i know i just need to change my heart and change my mind. i cant force it anymore. i am confused as hell and wondering where you went. perhaps we need to go through these moments but i have travelled so far from the rock you gave me. so far from the security and ive found myself in the middle of the ocean on that small piece of earth. i am quickly consumed and overtaken and as on that day i feel i am being sucked down to the depths. Where is my rock? i am consumed. perhaps my only real enemy is myself. the quiet voices are sometimes that most overpowering. am i so far gone that ive forgotten the difference between truth and lies? i feel something has gone wrong and the path back is blocked or disguised. if this is the season and this is right i will need something else because its too hard. the constant feeling of failing as a mother, as a christian, as a person. I am failing myself. Ruining everything when everythings fine. this may seem insane but its either this or its getting locked inside and i will die. i cant call the west coast. hopefully this ill let myself soon but i feel so stuck. i dont want to go back and i dont want to be here. Heaven. Id like to be so much closer to you. To see you and feel and know your holding my hand.

Psalm 88.
O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put my in the lowest pit,
in the darest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, O Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are you wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, O Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death.
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long the surround me like a flood,
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me,
the darkness is my closest friend.




...hopefully this is over soon.