open hearts

Well...I now call California home once more. It has been interesting adjusting to the different culture, climate, and crap. I found myself stumbling and unsure of my decision to switch coasts. All of the things I had missed about California were forgotten, and all of the things I had complained about in Philadelphia were now sought after treasures that I desired to have in my life. It is funny how I do that. Idealize different places, situations, and people. At least I am aware that I do that and can now take a step back and try and focus on the reality of things. There are great things about both places. Things that I treasure in the deepest places of my heart, lessons that I have learned, and relationships that I will never let go of. I do not regret either decision. I am glad I went and am now glad to be back. I know that I am different...as I will be next week. I change all the time, we all do, but I know that a big change happened living across the country. Experiencing a new life, new struggles, new joys. I love that. I thank God for all of the brothers and sisters I know and have yet to meet. I registered for classes the other day. It was stressful and overwhelming, only because I let it be, but I feel so good that it is done now. I will be going full time and taking back classes that I will need later to transfer. Math, Psych, Nutr, and an Illustrator class. It will be a pretty crazy life but I feel that this is the first time I could handle such a load, and even look forward to it. I will try and get a job part time...perhaps at a coffee shop or at tjs working nights. For now I am at home but hopefully will be in AG and closer to everything that I am doing. Elisha is doing well. Our relationship has been much better being back. I am less stressed out and feel much more able to focus positive attention on him. It has been nice for him to also have his own room and have more space in general. We are often outside running around in backyards or out at the beach rolling in sand. I feel so free and alive being outdoors with the cool coastal wind dancing at my feet. I sometimes have moments where all I want is to be back in Philly with my family their. To be sitting outside in the hot sticky weather and wait with anticipation for the night to arrive. It is so strange to now have two homes. I have had to learn what it is like to miss people on the west and now on the east. I really will try and come out in the Fall. I would love to see the trees change color and visit with you dear friends again. As soon as I have a break from school I will try and venture out. I welcome any of you to come and visit me...although I may be a bit busy.

new thought: I am sitting at one of my closest friends house and just read a message that made me think quite a bit about friends... I realized how easy it is for me to take my friendships with people for granted. Especially when it is someone that I am extremely comfortable with and have known for a long time. Lately I treat the people that I am supposed to be the closest with with very little care. I have less patience and love. I speak with a sharp tongue and a very bratty attitude. It is how you would see sisters acting...(at least how I think sisters act). anywho...I just realized how completely amazing that is. I sat and thought about how much I love my friends. How important they are to me, how lacking my life would be without them, and how much I missed their presence when they were away from me. Life is so short. Time is so precious. Things that I know but forget. I want to make sure that I actively love the people that I love. To treasure them and reflect on how beautiful God has made them.To rejoice in their, and our, differences in ideas and personalities. I want to consider my words and actions and strive to put others before myself. I want to lay down my life for my brothers and sisters.

I guess im a bit emotional.

I miss you in Philly and I look forward to seeing those in CA that I have yet to spend time with.

G-D Bless.

it always depends on the when the train is coming

i dont know if you know what you did. hes saying things he never said and it scares her everyday. hes growing, changing, learning and its getting to be a bit much. you see, i think he knows,...he knows. he asked about him once or twice. he called the other children's his. it scares her because what if hes always alone. alone like she was alone. if he knows the feeling of rejection. if he feels the absence of the strong hand leading him. her hand had always been too small, too frail, too shaky. she trembles as she guides. too gently or too harsh...always trying to find the middle ground. there is no such reality for her now. she must nuture and discipline. be patient and firm. she is everything to him and its becoming too much. we watch her moves very closely now. whispering at her mistakes, praising her for her sacrifice. we have put her on a high stool and there we keep her high. she must never get too close to us. she is a foreigner in this land. we admire her as a Saint, but we are no Saints and therefor can only get so close.do.

the apricot is killing me

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time
I find myself in a place that I never been
A place that I thought that I could never be
There’s people looking back at me

I keep having this dream; I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming telling me that I don’t belong
Lately life’s been the same I find this comfortable place
With all my friends then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

There was a time I could move there was a time I could breathe
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces
It didn’t once cross my mind
With paranoia on my heels; Will you love me still
when we awake and see that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna to think,
Well I’m worried too
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to

-the avett brothers

dizang.

i made a few mistakes yesterday...im wondering if ill be able to let them go.

you stood beside a burning bush

of course he changed my mind
in the blink of an eye my life changes
this has been the only constant i know
i know nothing and expect everything
my plate is never empty
this is even better than my plan...
his plan is so good
i got my first real job
exactly what i wanted but with surprises overflowing
i am working for a jewish woman who is a parapalegic
i will be cooking (organic yum yums), cleaning (chemicalfree), and helping her get the house ready to sell...
she wants to move to ashville nc...there is so much to say about this woman, her son, and how blessed I am.

I will be going, anyways.

there...and everywhere.

you cant make everybody happy all of the time

a new wind is blowing
my heart, mind, and feet are stirring
discontent has set in and I cant change the course
figuring out what this all means
the possibilities are endless
this is my life and I wont stay tied down
this is not my home, anyways.
no land will I try to keep
I will take nothing and leave the same
set me free...

can it work?

I sure hope so...I am going, anyways.