across the country...

2012-01-10T18:58:00.004-05:00

A new post. A new season.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let me remain in this place, oh thank you, My lord. I can't do anything. I can't do anything. All i want is to praise you. All I want is to be away with you. Alone with you. You are everything. You see me all. You know it all. You know it all. You know it alllllll. Oh my Lord what can I do but dance with you. We dance and we swing and we run and we run and we run and we fall and we roll down the hill until we stop. And we laugh. Oh how I laugh with you. You took my heavy burdens, you saved me from the grave. I am no longer helpless. I am hopeless no more. And I feel you press all around me, but I let you have all of me.

Oh lets look at this child. My lord my heart rips from the grave. I come to life once again. It surges with pain from within. I suffocate and I run...take this pain. Let me love this pain. Let me embrace all that you have for me. In suffering and in joy...you are my hope and my home.
I dont see you. Not at all. I see failed dreams. I see my loss. I see me. And I need to see you. I need to see you. I need to love you, not love me. I need to lift you up as I lose sight of me. I fall away. I will not be silent, I will sing. I will not be silent, I will cry. I will bellow from my inner most parts....set me free! love set me free. love is this key. love set me free.
I am freeeeeeeeeeeee. I sing. I dance. You can't hold back this passion from me. There is no quiet. I must and shall be free. All day I can praise you. All day I can devote to you. All of me I can give you. I give you. I give you. I am afraid, but only for a moment. I look to your face. OH how you love me. OH how you provide for me. Oh how you have sheltered me from death. You, You you you who are nameless and formless. You who are everything. I am coming alive. I must write. I must pour forth. All day long I give myself to you. I will not be silent. I am sick. I am hungry. I am stuffed with the fat of the land. I am starving for you.

Prayer. The lack of. The need for.

2009-01-17T21:48:00.002-05:00

I am still unsure of what just happened. I am still amazed at my life.

I have been depressed for such a long while now. Mostly money. I hate worrying and thinking about money. However there comes a point where whether you want it to or not it catches up with you. It caught up with me. The lack of. Debt. Bills. Unable to make enough money. Unsure of what to do or if I should be here. Constant mental break downs and stress.

This Christmas was a bit of an amazement like last years. Poor. Unable to buy Elisha much...which really I don't mind because I don't think you should buy children mass amounts of presents. Not what it is about...but still a guilty feeling that I am not providing. I didn't have a chistmas tree...oh bother. My church paid a debt of mine. Blessing 1. Still stress. Unexpected generous gifts of money. Sarah's family taking us in. Getting Elisha his own tree to decorate. Buying him so many gifts, he was a bit too spoiled. It worked out.

After Christmas I dreaded coming back to the city. Still unsure of what to do. Unable to get a job to cover expenses. Having to move from the studio with no kitchen to far away West Philly. Feeling angry with the community for not wanting to live with Elisha. Feeling angry in general. Marlee stepped in and is moving with us. It is still far away. But I feel that with Marlee it doesn't really matter how far I am.

Then these past few weeks unexpected bills, car insurance, and crap coming up out of nowhere. One after another. Yesterday was most likely the worst. Parking tickets, the realization that my insurance ended, getting pulled over for no reason, bad conversation with someone about money and living situations, feeling scared of people, cell phone went crazy, on and on and on. I cried so much last night. Frustated. I can't provide for Elisha. Wishing someone else would raise him because I feel like I'm not making it. Stress. Overwhelming crying and shaking. Talking to Marlee about G-d. Not really any relationship there. Not believing or feeling like he/she cares. No praying...because really, does G-d even answer prayers. If I have a real problem and pray and you don't answer I will feel bitterness and disbelief. In some random statement last night I said, Dear G-d, Please give me - numbe of money, thanks," in a very sarcastic and bitter manner.

Today went better. Finally picked up knitting. Moved into new house. Not sure who would help. Kim came and I ran into Marco who I barely know and he offered to come. It was amazing that I found him. He was telling me how he was praying beforehand to be able to be helpful today. Then he found me and felt like his prayers were answered. I dropped Kim off and Marco was able to help me finish moving. If he didn't come I wouldn't have been able to get it finished. We talked a lot about praying. About G-d. My fears and bitterness. He talked about how great praying was. Just in everyday life. Talking to G-d about everything. Real things. Like being mad at him. Things that aren't pretty of fuzzy. He quoted bible dudes in a general casual manner that made it sound less like someone preaching to you. About Peter feeling like he was being burned and crushed from all sides. All to cast his fears and troubles on G-d. So much of this. This information that I know. Somehow I've forgotten. The refining. The promise that it isn't going to be easy, you will suffer, but the difference of knowing Christ is that you can still have joy and peace. Well I don't have that peace. Oh, I also don't pray or talk to Christ. hm....At the end of this Marco gave me a new journal to write prayers in. Encouraged me beyond belief and gave me much to think about. And then handed me a check for the amount that I had jokingly asked G-d for the previous night. I don't deserve it. I don't know if I can accept it. But I do know that G-d loves me. That he hears me. That he cares. That there is something at work in our lives, something like perfect timing, and his own Will. So I give up now. Give up the fight to do things myself. To plan my life on my own terms. It will take work. But I'd like to let G-d lead. I'd encouage anyone who may read this to try.

a bit off course.

2008-12-17T13:31:00.002-05:00

I'd like for things to be different here. In my living situations, relationships, job, hobbies, mind.

depression is a weird thing.

"I spy with my eye something quite rivery"

2008-11-29T16:33:00.002-05:00

A list of Thanks

Elisha, my beautiful son, for constantly reflecting to me what love looks like. For teaching my patience, even when it is unwanted. For constantly being my biggest fan and sweetest boy. For loving me despite my mistakes. For making life so much more joyful.
For my dear friends. Karen, Marlee, Malory, Sarah, Kim, Nelly, and so on. For loving me. Sacrificing for me, sharing with me, taking me in and supporting my decisions, for laughter and the serious moments that bond us together.
For my family far away. For feeling close despite the distance.
For my church.
For my future.

For my life.

For Thanksgiving this year we came to Lancaster, Pa with my friend Sarah Mueller. Lancaster is a beautiful area a few hours outside of Philadelphia. It is where a good amount of the amish live and drive horse and buggy cars around. It is so nice to be outside of the city. I am not in complete wilderness by any means, but it is fantastic to see trees outside. I love Sarah's family. Her grandparents are in town from Maryland and Elisha is quite fond of them from the time we had spent together during the summer at their pool. We had great meals and got to be pampered by Sarah's step-mother and grand-mother. The sweetest people. I had an amazing conversation with this new grandmother who came to the us from Cuba in her teens. We talked for a long time about her travels and her life. It was so nice to have the older generations around. I really miss having this part of life around. It reminded me that I want to raise Elisha in the country. However, it also made me aware of how much time I have. It also made me miss my grandmother who passed away almost two years ago. I thought of her a lot on Thanksgiving. I missed her and I missed my home land. I've been having a lot of weird moments lately as I wrote before. The newest and most occurring is my memories. Very random things are triggering memories from when I was a young child. Good and happy memories. Travels with my grandparents to different states mostly. The strange thing is how often this is happening. A couple times a day. Very vivid memories. Memories I have not had since they happened. It is overwhelming actually. Too much of the past. and when I get to the point in the memory where I can't move forward and remember the entire event I get frustrated. I don't know.

Anyways, I am still in Lancaster. Sarah's dad Dr. Gary and Elisha have hit it off. Today while Sarah was busy Gary, his wife, Elisha, and I went to a beautiful state park and hiked around. It was lovely. In a little bit Elisha and Gary are going to build a bon-fire and cook hot dogs. I think Johnny Rashid is coming over soon which will be great.

I really want a family. A big one. This weekend has increased my desire for a home, a family, and a place in the woods.

even tiny ants must sleep

2008-11-16T22:20:00.002-05:00

Everything runs in extremes.
Country. City. Ocean. Shit hole. Lots of people with little sleep. Little people with lots of sleep.
Or maybe that is just how I interpret everything around me and inside me.

I think that is why I am going crazy, or have been crazy.

I spent my first day at home in West Philly today. I somehow convinced Elisha to sleep in. We made breakfast burritos, he is extremely into helping me cook. We fumbled around the house. Played trains, drums, cleaned, and then went for a walk to the green line cafe and clark park.
We played with leaves. Saw Mike Weiss and Penny. An Egyptian man with a son who goes to Elisha's school. We talked about Egypt and he kept calling Elisha a girl. We went home and rearranged, fought about nap time, and a friend came to visit.
So..West Philly was nice...but I am at that point again where I feel out of my mind.

It is not entirely my fault. I will blame it on the randomness thats been floating around my brain for the past week or so. I keep having strange dreams. I wake up and will have the hardest time trying to figure out if they were dreams because I swear it happened. That keeps happening along with memories of the past that I feel like I've never had before. Oh and the fact that I see at least 3 people a day that I swear are people I know from California, and not even close friends...just people. Like this strange force is trying to blur my memories and lines between the two places I know. Merging them into one lump of confusion and familiarity. What does this all mean? Why is everyone so familiar. Why are so many people coming up that I haven't thought of in years. Why do I miss people so intensely? It won't be there at all and then one day it is like I can't breathe or function properly without these people in my life. I miss Eva and Elliot. I miss Amanda and the boys. I miss the Wahls. I miss Leanne and her boys. I miss them so dearly and it makes me cry to think about. I can't go back there again. It couldn't last that long anyways. I just love being with them. Because I hate being alone so badly. Because I love to mesh my family with theirs. To have constant interaction with people that are focused on children. I miss being open enough with people to show them my impersonations, make videos of my crazy song playing, baking, creating, crafting, exercising, craziness. Fuck. Why couldnt everyday be filled with that. Why the hell did I have to work all the time and go out of my mind. Why is living somewhere so difficult and now I can't stay in one house longer than 4 months. How long does it take to remake these connections? Are there people are boring yet funny as those that I left. bluasldfkjalsjfajdslfj. My life. I feel boring to people that don't have children. I make up for it and am left tired, run-down, guilty. It is hard to relate and hang out often with people without children. Do you find that hard or just me? I think it is hard. Our lives are so different. I wake up every morning around 6. Everything I do has to have something for Elisha to do...but it can be fun when looked at with the right attitude. I just think that attitude comes when you also have a child. What am i getting at? I don't know. Im just typing what has been floating in my brain. I feel unhappy that I am not doing things im passionate about. Parenting, gardening, crafting, sewing, baking, learning new sustainable living skills, reading, exploring, hiking, etc. I am trying to get there. Tomorrow I am working on the garden. I don't know what else. Tonight I looked at Seattle's craigslist and Portland. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks. I wonder if this will be a problem.

im not a big fan of myself lately.

Oh the milk cow, catch her by her tail.

2008-11-10T08:46:00.004-05:00

I am cold so often. Trying to move from Kensington to West Philly has almost seemed impossible. However, I slept here in the construction apartment for the first night. It was freezing and I was lonely for neighbors and friends so near. Today I will have to explore the nearby trees to make up for the missing people.

While sitting on Mueller's stoop yesterday with Marlee and Josh, Elisha started telling us amazing things. He told me that he had a sister named Aserita...

Elisha "Aserita is my girl"

Marlee "what, who's aserita"

Elisha "she's my girl, my sister"

Marlee "is she pretty"

Elisha "yeah, i like girls....I'm going to make a pile of girls"

There was much more of this conversation that I cannot remember but was crazy and made me cry.

Later in the car he told me his sister's full name is Aserita Sensa and he has a brother named Esse Cocoa Tutu.

I just got some pictures back from Carina from a trip we took a few weeks back to Linvilla Orchards. I was extremely excited to go visit a farm and had expected it to be like a nearby orchard/farm/gift shop from California. This was not like the one at home and was more like a home depot, walmart, big bargain tourist attraction with fruits and vegetables thrown in. I think I was most disgusted that in their food court, instead of having local fresh food from their farm, they were serving french fries, fried onion rings, fried mushrooms, fried toe-nails, and so on. Seriously...you are on a farm with so much available and you are serving food that is not real and has been shipped from so far away.
Whatever, Elisha liked the hay ride and it was nice to see some trees.

I have returned to the blog

2008-11-08T16:15:00.002-05:00

Hello Friends,

I remembered today after conversations and viewings of others blogs that I myself have one and have neglected it. Hello Blog. How have you been? What is new with you...did you lurk on my space and wonder what went wrong between us. Did you cry and leave open space waiting to have your pages filled with my amazing ideas and thoughts about life.

Well, I didn't think much about you. I lived life in California which was random and crazy and filled with lots of jobs and moving about. After a while I settled into a cute little house with Elisha near the beach and got a full time "real" job in an office working the daily grind. This job kept me indoors and without windows for the majority of the day. I would come home in the evening and have a few hours of the day to enjoy the house I was working to pay for but never in. At this point I went a bit nuts. Working to pay for a house that you can't be in because you have to work to have it sort of life is not healthy. At least not for me. So once the itch set it I of course went with it and planned on leaving on a road trip across the country and would end up where the wind took me.

The road trip was amazing...if I ever get the pictures from Amy I will post them and show you all the beautiful sights of the land. I wanted to live so many places. Oregon, Washington, Montana, Wyoming...breath taking scenery. Elisha and my friend Amy came with me. We had much fun sleeping in our cars under on the sides of mountains and under trees with rivers rushing by. One night we almost froze in Yellowstone. We ended up at PAPA fest (people against poverty and apathy). It was great fun reuniting with many Philly friends, making new friends, camping on a farm, bathing in a creek, and enlightening my mind with good conversations and workshops. I visited Philly after that for a few weeks then left and volunteered on an organic farm with WWOOF in IL. It was an interesting experience. A lot of what I had expected and was talked about changed. Elisha and I ended up sleeping on a tent in the hottest summer months. I milked goats, collected chicken eggs, weeded, tilled, made soap, etc...Now that is is over I can say it was a good experience although it was painful and hard to get through. I was supposed to move to the MO with Mallory after that and live in our friends strawbale house for a few months...this fell through due to Elisha freaking out, perhaps he is not so into traveling and roaming yet. So we ended up back in Philadelphia...

We are here at present. Have moved around and will be settling into our 4th living situation since July. This is also a bit temporary. I think I have a problem committing to a home...I am at least at a point where I don't want to leave the city quite yet or the state. Although I do still dream of woods, mountains, rivers, and farm life. I am trying to make my way towards that life. Learn what I can through books and growing while here. I have a greater appreciation for my friends here in the city and for the city in general. I am excited to be relocating to West Philly...I think it will be a good switch for me. More trees, families, space. I want to learn a lot of musical instruments. Dulcimer, hammered dulcimer, autoharp, jews harp, ocarina, bowed psaltry, and the piano. Oh boy!

I am making a lot of new friends. I am enjoying this interactions. I love fall. I am constantly amazing about the colors of the trees. It is like my insides are smiling. Trees usually make that happen but its a new sensation to see blocks of land changed with color.

anyways, blog, that is my story in a shortened version. I will write again soon. With less writing and more randomness.

open hearts

2007-08-05T19:16:00.000-05:00

Well...I now call California home once more. It has been interesting adjusting to the different culture, climate, and crap. I found myself stumbling and unsure of my decision to switch coasts. All of the things I had missed about California were forgotten, and all of the things I had complained about in Philadelphia were now sought after treasures that I desired to have in my life. It is funny how I do that. Idealize different places, situations, and people. At least I am aware that I do that and can now take a step back and try and focus on the reality of things. There are great things about both places. Things that I treasure in the deepest places of my heart, lessons that I have learned, and relationships that I will never let go of. I do not regret either decision. I am glad I went and am now glad to be back. I know that I am different...as I will be next week. I change all the time, we all do, but I know that a big change happened living across the country. Experiencing a new life, new struggles, new joys. I love that. I thank God for all of the brothers and sisters I know and have yet to meet. I registered for classes the other day. It was stressful and overwhelming, only because I let it be, but I feel so good that it is done now. I will be going full time and taking back classes that I will need later to transfer. Math, Psych, Nutr, and an Illustrator class. It will be a pretty crazy life but I feel that this is the first time I could handle such a load, and even look forward to it. I will try and get a job part time...perhaps at a coffee shop or at tjs working nights. For now I am at home but hopefully will be in AG and closer to everything that I am doing. Elisha is doing well. Our relationship has been much better being back. I am less stressed out and feel much more able to focus positive attention on him. It has been nice for him to also have his own room and have more space in general. We are often outside running around in backyards or out at the beach rolling in sand. I feel so free and alive being outdoors with the cool coastal wind dancing at my feet. I sometimes have moments where all I want is to be back in Philly with my family their. To be sitting outside in the hot sticky weather and wait with anticipation for the night to arrive. It is so strange to now have two homes. I have had to learn what it is like to miss people on the west and now on the east. I really will try and come out in the Fall. I would love to see the trees change color and visit with you dear friends again. As soon as I have a break from school I will try and venture out. I welcome any of you to come and visit me...although I may be a bit busy.

new thought: I am sitting at one of my closest friends house and just read a message that made me think quite a bit about friends... I realized how easy it is for me to take my friendships with people for granted. Especially when it is someone that I am extremely comfortable with and have known for a long time. Lately I treat the people that I am supposed to be the closest with with very little care. I have less patience and love. I speak with a sharp tongue and a very bratty attitude. It is how you would see sisters acting...(at least how I think sisters act). anywho...I just realized how completely amazing that is. I sat and thought about how much I love my friends. How important they are to me, how lacking my life would be without them, and how much I missed their presence when they were away from me. Life is so short. Time is so precious. Things that I know but forget. I want to make sure that I actively love the people that I love. To treasure them and reflect on how beautiful God has made them.To rejoice in their, and our, differences in ideas and personalities. I want to consider my words and actions and strive to put others before myself. I want to lay down my life for my brothers and sisters.

I guess im a bit emotional.

I miss you in Philly and I look forward to seeing those in CA that I have yet to spend time with.

G-D Bless.

it always depends on the when the train is coming

2007-06-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

i dont know if you know what you did. hes saying things he never said and it scares her everyday. hes growing, changing, learning and its getting to be a bit much. you see, i think he knows,...he knows. he asked about him once or twice. he called the other children's his. it scares her because what if hes always alone. alone like she was alone. if he knows the feeling of rejection. if he feels the absence of the strong hand leading him. her hand had always been too small, too frail, too shaky. she trembles as she guides. too gently or too harsh...always trying to find the middle ground. there is no such reality for her now. she must nuture and discipline. be patient and firm. she is everything to him and its becoming too much. we watch her moves very closely now. whispering at her mistakes, praising her for her sacrifice. we have put her on a high stool and there we keep her high. she must never get too close to us. she is a foreigner in this land. we admire her as a Saint, but we are no Saints and therefor can only get so close.do.

the apricot is killing me

2007-06-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time
I find myself in a place that I never been
A place that I thought that I could never be
There’s people looking back at me

I keep having this dream; I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming telling me that I don’t belong
Lately life’s been the same I find this comfortable place
With all my friends then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

There was a time I could move there was a time I could breathe
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces
It didn’t once cross my mind
With paranoia on my heels; Will you love me still
when we awake and see that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna to think,
Well I’m worried too
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to

-the avett brothers

dizang.

i made a few mistakes yesterday...im wondering if ill be able to let them go.

you stood beside a burning bush

2007-06-05T12:20:00.000-05:00

of course he changed my mind
in the blink of an eye my life changes
this has been the only constant i know
i know nothing and expect everything
my plate is never empty
this is even better than my plan...
his plan is so good
i got my first real job
exactly what i wanted but with surprises overflowing
i am working for a jewish woman who is a parapalegic
i will be cooking (organic yum yums), cleaning (chemicalfree), and helping her get the house ready to sell...
she wants to move to ashville nc...there is so much to say about this woman, her son, and how blessed I am.

I will be going, anyways.

there...and everywhere.

you cant make everybody happy all of the time

2007-06-05T07:35:00.000-05:00

a new wind is blowing
my heart, mind, and feet are stirring
discontent has set in and I cant change the course
figuring out what this all means
the possibilities are endless
this is my life and I wont stay tied down
this is not my home, anyways.
no land will I try to keep
I will take nothing and leave the same
set me free...

can it work?

I sure hope so...I am going, anyways.

love was someone that you loved to find

2007-05-27T11:42:00.000-05:00

loving has been waiting patient and kind
just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign
at the one that she cares for, whos out of his mind
will make it back safe to her arms

hate stumbles forward and leans in the door
weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
he says, "love im sorry" and she says, "what for?"
"im yours and thats it, whatever"
i should not have been gone for so long
"im yours and thats it, forever'

the avett brothers...my favorite right now, eh.

I quit johnny brendas and i am very happy about it.

life is great.

trusting the Lord...he is providing

enjoying good friends.

ive seen the most beautiful sights and felt great peace

i was dancing around a garden in the rain with thunder and lightning roaring over our heads. i layed in the long grass and smiled.

i feel new.

well

2007-05-15T23:52:00.000-05:00

sometimes I get so fed up with people. I think my expectations are too high for situations and people in them. I am constantly second guessing and doubting. When will I be content? More and more my idea sounds good... I know I will be frustrated there, here, or on the moon. What is wrong with me? I guess I need to give up the need to feel content. I need to learn to deal with how im feeling with a more positive attitude. I need some freaking help with my brain.

a few thoughts

2007-05-14T11:31:00.000-05:00

i love dan platt. he did the sweetest thing i have ever seen the other day. Randomly brought over lunch and a fresh fruit place, it was amazing. So sweet.

Philly has been great. Things are great. Everything is great...however, there is something, somewhere in California that is very tempting to me. I could easily see myself going there...its a secret location and its a crazy idea.

Oh, Crap.

i love her. truly, dearly, deeply

2007-05-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

so what if im obsessed?

A tribute to my bestfriend. Brought on by talks of life partners and other best friends...I want to have a friend ceremony (its kind of like a wedding ceremony, but way better!) you may all find this to be ridiculous. but its my dang blog and I love pictures.

in my little world

2007-05-08T21:31:00.000-05:00

I guess I said too much...but I often have that problem. I start typing what I'm thinking and dont really take the time to step outside of it and consider what I'm actually saying to other people. Eh? It was less aimed towards any of you and more towards my own failures, frustrations with self, with my greed, and things that I made into idols. I don't think that those things are inherently bad...but, like most things, we can make a simple object into a God. Its silly how much this got built up today...I was so nervous and a knot in my stomach...Worrying that I upset people and stepped on toes. I had too long of a conversation last night was some amazing girls to be too worried though. I would rather step on toes then sit back and say nothing. And by all means I invite you to cut my feet off...let me know what you think. This is how Im learning. I am challeneged and questioned and it makes me vulnerable. Its easy for me to get defensive and angry. I have to take a moment and see what they were saying, find the love, and realize that the truth is hard to take. I am trying to figure this out...I just want to be sharing it with you all. Here and there. Getting your feedback and giving mine. I am changing, growing, and learning a ton. A lot about myself and a lot about community. This is so random and I should probably stop letting my fingers get ahead of my thoughts but this is me and its silly. I have decided to stop looking for a nanny job. I have nannied for a few families but nothing permanent and I have just been frustrated with not finding a permanent family. So...I cried and was frustrated, wondering why I was here, wondering what I am doing and how Im going to live and support Elisha...I woke up the next morning and was finally excited to have something I want to do. I am going to try and get a job as a companion/caregiver/home advisor with an elderly home or with mentally disabled adults....I am honestly excited about this. Praise the Lord! So many people are coming from CA in two weeks for lindseys wedding... I cant wait.

confirmed.

2007-04-27T22:05:00.001-05:00

I am going to make a Covenant tomorrow with Circle of Hope. I am a bit nervous and awkward with speaking in public so I am going to write out a bit of how I feel first. I also want to talk about some of the amazing things that have been going on in my life recently.
I moved to Philadelphia for a number of reasons. To get outside of my comfort zone, experience life, get away from some crap, and to be a part of the community at Circle. I had visited Danielle on two separate occasions. After the first visit I felt that I needed to go back right away and as soon as I returned home purchased a ticket back for the next month. Something caught my heart when I was here. Outside of my safety and comfort of slow paced California life was this scary, unpredictable, and out of control environment. I hated it here at first...walking down streets cluttered with trash, coming from a place where I rarely saw a person of African-American decent (even though Elisha is half), not having the comforts of my car, continually feeling lost and afraid. I remember the moment God changed my heart. I was sitting on a bus that had somehow got stuck trying to turn a corner. The bus was packed with people who were very irritated that it was taking so long to fix the problem. I think we may have been there about an hour. One of the first things I noticed about people in Philadelphia is that they speak their minds and speak it loudly. I sat squished next to Karen trying to entertain Gideon so that the people all around us would not stone us (I think they wanted to.) After a few minutes the stress and agitation of being stuck in a bus wore off and I began to see the people I was sitting with. I began to see with new eyes. I saw beautiful old women speaking in Chinese. I loved their fragile, petite figures and the care they took in trying to look beautiful. I saw the young mother trying to contain her two children. I saw her patience and struggle and I felt deeply for her. I saw the elderly Black woman in front of my with her Bible open on her lap. I saw her annoyance with the noise that Gideon was making and the remarks she made to her friend...the lack of patience she had. I saw all of these people and I took them into my heart. I was sold. After that moment I began to take everything in. I breathed differently...and then coughed on the smoke. Instead of missing the cleanliness of home, the clear skies, and on-going ocean, I looked at the buildings and wanted to know the history. I looked at the people and wanted to know their stories. I wanted to know who all was affected by the mass amounts of vacant warehouses, broken-down houses, what had happened and what could be fixed. So when I got back to California I was not filled with joy at the sight of the ocean. I was not filled with joy at the fancy cars filled with white, middle-class, americans who never thought about anyone else. I came back for the week of thanksgiving. It was then that I knew I would live here. There was so much to do here. So much to be a part of, and the fantastic thing was there were so many people who wanted me to be a part of it with them. I think that was one of the biggest shockers for me. I feel like a large group of people in California, I will not say all because I also know amazing people with genuine hearts, but a large group who were not at all welcoming. These, it should be noted, were Christian groups. They, at least to me, were very snobbish. Very absorbed in their own lives, and if they choose to get involved in others lives it was that which they read about in People magazine. They consumed at great amounts clothes, i pods, cars, and all of these possessions left me wanting. Sometimes I wanted what they had, but a lot of the time I wanted people who cared about more. To have people that accepted ideas and movements from people like the Psalters and didn't run around trying to get them out of the building before they said one more thing that didn't go along with their political beliefs and say it was a spiritual matter. I wanted to be part of a community that longed for peace and is active in pursing in it. People that care about cleaning up a block and serving their neighbors in tangible ways. People who wanted to live out what Jesus showed us in the Bible. There were months when I would be inspired and try to get together with others, times when I would read "The Irresistible Revolution," or a biography on Mother T, or watch "Brother Sun, Sister Moon." I would feel a fire inside and I longed to be in a community that shared in this passion of giving, caring, and loving. I don't think that the groups of people I used to live with didn't want these things, I just don't think they ever saw a way or reason to actively change their lives for them. When I was here I would hear about people and would be nervous to meet them. I assumed they were like the people who were "so cool and in" in California and would be cold and uninterested. Surprisingly that never happened. I met dozens of people who were genuinely interested in my life and story. This touched a place in me that wanted to be met. I mentioned the idea of me moving here to people and they were overjoyed. I could not figure out why these perfect strangers would care to want me and Elisha to come and be a part of them. They loved me, welcomed me, talked to me, and a few months ago I moved here to be a part of them and have them be a part of me. I guess I wanted to make a Covenant from the beginning. To express my hearts longing to be a part of them and them a part of me. To move with them in their vision to live a life like Jesus and love and transform the world with this love. I guess its as simple as that.

As I was reading tonight about making a Covenant I came across some scripture that agreed and pushed me farther along in my feelings of a few days ago.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have again one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."
Colossians 3 13-15

I read this, and a few similar, and completely let go of the bitterness and hurt I was holding. Tomorrow I am making a Covenant with the community and peoples at Circle and I am going to do so holding nothing against another part of the body. I am ready to lay down my life for my brothers and sisters, forgive them as they forgive me, grow with them, love the, and move forward with them in Loving Christ our Saviour.

I am joining a group of people who have ideas and feelings such as this. http://acircleofhope.wordpress.com/chapter-1-the-safe-place/

I did not write any of this to say that I wasn't loved or welcomed at the churches I was a part of in California. I love them and am thankful for the relationships and growth I had with them. I hope those of you can rejoice with me in this new season and new family I am committing myself to.

...and we're off

2007-04-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

Amazing. I woke up this morning (at 6am, Elisha's new wake up time) and fumbled around the house, making breakfast and waking myself up. While Elisha was eating I began to read the days devotional from My Utmost for His Highest. It was a bit vague and at first I had no idea what he was talking about. But as I reread the text something hit me. It spoke to me clearly. We don't always feel God's presence in the same way. There are times when he pulls away and its easy for us to pull away also. Just like it is easy for me to feel inspired when He has spoken very clearly and audibly to me. No matter how I feel I must continue to press into him. Continue to read, pray, and seek after Him. There is so much that hit me this morning and I feel so peaceful. Another wonderful event took place...After a few hours of being awake I shut my door and let Elisha play in the room while I tried to sleep. Melissa knocked on my door and took Elisha from me so that I could sleep. This seemingly simple act broke my heart. It was such a beautiful and tangible act of love and it reminded me so much of California and the Wahls. I am once again inspired to take steps outside of myself and look for way to help and bless my brothers and sisters. While sleeping I had a dream that led me to forgive and move past some recent hurt. It was a very simple very short dream but it, like everything else this morning, opened my eyes to a new way of looking at life. I am in this community and so glad to be here. I have been forgiven and will also choose to forgive and take steps in loving others, even when mistakes are made and hearts are hurt. I am wide away today.

in time memories fade

2007-04-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

somethings gone wrong inside. a loss of control has brought upon an uncontrolable wave of emotions. no reasoning. i cant process. i dont see myself how i want to be anymore. weak, unsure, defeated, lost. what just happened? hope has faded into despair and i know i just need to change my heart and change my mind. i cant force it anymore. i am confused as hell and wondering where you went. perhaps we need to go through these moments but i have travelled so far from the rock you gave me. so far from the security and ive found myself in the middle of the ocean on that small piece of earth. i am quickly consumed and overtaken and as on that day i feel i am being sucked down to the depths. Where is my rock? i am consumed. perhaps my only real enemy is myself. the quiet voices are sometimes that most overpowering. am i so far gone that ive forgotten the difference between truth and lies? i feel something has gone wrong and the path back is blocked or disguised. if this is the season and this is right i will need something else because its too hard. the constant feeling of failing as a mother, as a christian, as a person. I am failing myself. Ruining everything when everythings fine. this may seem insane but its either this or its getting locked inside and i will die. i cant call the west coast. hopefully this ill let myself soon but i feel so stuck. i dont want to go back and i dont want to be here. Heaven. Id like to be so much closer to you. To see you and feel and know your holding my hand.

Psalm 88.
O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put my in the lowest pit,
in the darest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, O Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are you wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, O Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death.
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long the surround me like a flood,
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me,
the darkness is my closest friend.

...hopefully this is over soon.

i went for a walk

2007-04-20T23:20:00.000-05:00

so I have been home a few days now and adjusting to life in Philadelphia again. Had a hard first day back but I am glad it happened. It got me over a lot of things that I really should never have been into to start with. I also have just been amazed at how many people I love in the city. Since I got back I have just been overwhelmed with the love that my new friends have for me and I for them. I feel even more a part of this community than I did when I left. Hopefully everything else will smooth itself out sooner rather than later. I also am excited because I made friends with neighbors. Micah, Damien, Noah, and Eric. The first two live a block up and the second a few houses down. I hung out with them the first night I got back and have been visiting with them since. It is so nice to have so many amazing people in such close range to visit and connect with. Elisha has been especially cute these last few days. I got off the phone today with my friend Josh and as I said goodbye he started to say Josh, Josh. So I dialed the number and Elisha called him back and held a pretty good conversation. Even after it ended he still picked up the phone and said, "Josh, how are you?" Basically one of the cutest things in the world. I feel like I am having one of those times again when I haven't been calling California as much. It is too hard to come back and talk everyday...I miss you guys so much. I miss my beautiful little nieces. My dear friends and the wisdom and beauty the shower upon me. I miss my family...the large and small. However, I am still so glad and confident in my decision to move here. I have had many emails and voicemails from people about being a nanny. I am meeting with a family tomorrow and have a few different things going on...so I am pretty excited to start working. I also found a senior citizen home nearby and a childrens hospital so I am going to be looking in to volunteering at one or both. I am still amazed that people can have so many personalites. Can be amazing and kind one day and the next cold and uncaring. I guess we all have that in us. Ive felt like I knew so much about people and how they work...I am still learning. We will always get hurt and will always hurt someone else...It sucks a little bit more when someone (who is supposed to care about you) does and acts a certain way that they know will hurt you as opposed to someone who has no clue, but whatever. We can choose to isolate ourselves because of these past hurts and live alone too afraid to be vulnerable with someone else, or we can forgive those who have hurt us and take steps towards loving each other and showing each other compassion for the mistakes we have all made. Ive never been treated so shitty by a person, well I can think of two others, but not in the same way...it just makes me think, why are christian dudes supposed to be better than all the other regular joes out there? the great "christian" men are the ones that have screwed with me more than guys that just made out and left. At least the dudes without faith didnt belive that they were supposed to treat people with kindness and love.they didnt try to convince you that you were important to them and that they were trustworthy. anyways...this is a long random blog that got a little bit bitter at the end but hopefully no one reads it. I really am doing fantastic. Ive had a great past few days and am hopeful and excited for my future here.

ps. dan platt, would you like to have dinner soon?

Dear G-d, have mercy on me.

unashamed to call you his own

2007-04-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

I am officialy home. Home #2. California was wonderful. Spring time on the west is amazing. Green rolling hills with wild mustard flowers and the ocean to the right with a beautiful sun smiling down on you. It was great to see my family. Elisha especially enjoyed the visit. It is the first time in a few months that he has played with other little boys. At the end it was a bit hard to leave it all behind. Anyways...I am here now. Ready to re-adjust and having a bit of a hard time.

there are two items in my trash can that make me want to vomit.
i guess i learned a lesson.

I am trying to dig out the love in my heart. Trying to find some forgiveness and grace. It isn't really there..luckily I have Danielle to remind me.

the simple story that you told me is a little different from what showed me

2007-04-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

Well. If you were curious as to why you weren't informed of my trip to California there is good reason. I, too, was not informed. Monday my mother called and Tuesday night I was shipped off. It sounds pretty simple but in actuality I had a bit of a breakdown about it. Trying to figure out if I was going to regret coming or regret staying. Trying to weigh the importance of the events for the weekend...In the end I cancelled the ticket and then re-bought it in the morning. I am actually very glad I came if for no reason other than the amazing plane ride I had. A large reason I was stressed out about coming was taking Elisha on a plane. Taking a toddler on a 6 hour plus plane ride is never a fun experience. I was seated in the back of the plane on the aisle. Two seats were next to me with a woman in her 30's near the window and a man in the middle who looked to be in his 20's. This man looked like someone I might be friends with...he sat next to me and read an article about dr. dog in a filter magazine. I tried to entertain Elisha with books and finally got my ipod out for him to listen to some jams. The man asked me if he ever requested music to look at. "no, he doesnt, but he is listening to sunny day real estate right now and seems into that." The man smiled obviously happy with Elisha's music choice. This started what would later become a 4 hour conversation. This man, Chad, 30 years old, was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We talked about God, church, community, music and how hardcore and emo just aren't the same as back in the day...(i had some idea of back in the day and could relate) we talked about children (he worked with children that had behavior problems) and how he was in love with them, we talked about Elisha dad, if I dated (he couldn't understand why a guy would be afraid of a woman with a child), we talked about school (his major was something in religious and spiritual something or another...he also spent a semester at sea which allowed him to visit around a dozen countries, after school he moved to new zealand and worked on organic farms and explored), we talked about some extremely personal stuff but it didn't seem strange at all. the lady near the window was a sweetheart and would take elisha from me and let him stare at the window for an extended period of time. I sat in amazement of how wonderful this plane ride was. Chad now has my email...he is from south jersey and moved to LA so when he comes back I told him I'd take him to circle with me. I hope he emails, if not it may be for the better, I shared such a beautiful period of time with this man. I would have married him if he asked. We sat on the plane in the end...Elisha fell asleep with his legs across me and hed leaning on Chad's arm. The sun shined in on us and Chad played with Elisha's hair. I felt like I was traveling somewhere mystical with my family by my side. The second plane ride for SLC to SB was also pretty amazing...a tiny plane and the seat next to us was vacant. We both slept and when I woke up we were there.

I am now in my mother house. I saw my beautiful little niece for the first time. How are infants really that small? I saw Eva, my house, the place I had missed so desperately. I think this was a perfect time for me to come. When I got here I wished I was home. Home in Philadelphia. I am glad to be here, the weather is perfect and it is nice to take a break and relax. But I really felt, for the first time, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in the 2020 house.

I am excited for my weekend here...I have mass amounts of plans with mass amounts of people and I cannot wait to see all of the beautiful faces that I left behind.

I am also a tad bit hurt and am trying my best to put it away. I am trying to get numbers out of my head. 1 year, 2 1/2, one week. These all weigh heavily upon my heart. Trying to figure out when I became so weak. When I thought it was a good idea to learn how to let you teach me how to breathe. I wish you would have left me alone with my innocence, my fear, my self. In the end it didn't matter that we talked about it so much...because you aren't talking now and I wish you would just tell me to get over it.

I started a cleansing detox yesterday...the things that just came out of my body, you dont want to know.

What am I doing?

like brothers in a hotel bed.

2007-04-04T11:32:00.000-05:00

I deleted that. It was a bit too emotional. I learned a new word today thanks to Jesse K and i figured it replaced everything I had written and felt. Saudade.

thats all.

I might fly home this month ... if so Id fly into LA...anyone wanna pick me up?

Happy Birthday Cori Carter, welcome to the world! My sister had her second beautiful baby girl this afternoon. I cried when I saw her picture...it was so hard waiting for the picture to load via text message and not feel very torn about not being there. my first sight of my neice was over the phone...oh well, at least we have the technology that allows me to see her across the country.

I have been trying to explain to Elisha that the baby in my sisters stomach is now born. He is now convinced that I have a baby in my stomach and will not stop touching and kissing it.

i want to be in control of nothing. ill take things as they come and let them leave just as easily.

im not bothered by your opinions or judgements. im at least happy with myself, are you?

if you wanna call me darling, thats just fine.

2007-04-02T14:01:00.000-05:00

Today is so beautiful. There is something about sunny days that makes everything better.

I have been so happy because we have new kitchen appliances and do dads. I cannot wait to make and bake so many treats..

When I said I would try and come home next month I meant for only a week...just to be clear.

The status changed back.

Like Elisha, I am learning to have patience and self-control.

Its not always fun or easy...but dang, its gotta be good for something.

perhaps

2007-03-31T12:00:00.000-05:00

i feel that this may be a waste of time...many of you who want to check up on me do so via myspace.

if there are a few left who dont do myspace i apologize....

i think the only major news is the status change.

also...im looking at tickets to go home next month.
MAYBE

beautiful little city.

2007-03-25T13:51:00.000-05:00

lets see. I had a dinner party at my house friday night and while getting ready for it knocked my computer off the kitchen table. I now have a broken computer but luckily purchased a very expensive protection plan so it will be fixed. i have some pretty pictures on my camera that i wish i could post but it will have to wait.

i went to the simple way the other night to watch "the road to guantanamo". I suggest netflixing it, its pretty intense. after watching it we talked about it for a long time about it. it blows my mind that things and places like guantanmo exist. that humans can torture each other and justify it in their hearts or minds. there are so many people still there...starved, beaten, humiliated, tortured humans. just like you and i. we send off our soldiers one by one so proud that they are serving our country...but all i could think of is what it would be like to be one of them. to spend months or years treating people like animals and then go home to your family and forget all about it. what would you say when your mother, wife, daughter asked you what you did all that time? would you lie, would you tell them honestly all of the ways you stripped a man of his humanity because he "may" have been involved in a killing, but he also may have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. how do soldiers do it? they are trained, brainwashed, to kill and when they have enough marks on their belt and thrown back into society and expected to lead normal lives. i dont get it. more than anything it breaks my heart for them. in taking others humanity they themselves are losing theirs. breaking a person breaks more than just the person.

i love walking around the city. i went on quite a long adventure yesterday with the "girls" and was so amazed at how much ive grown to love philadelphia. the more im here the more i appreciate little things. i love walking down new streets and finding hidden treasures...buildings that are falling apart, secret gardens, vacant lots with new grass growing....these things are so beautiful to me. speaking of beautiful treasures, there is a glorious yellow daffodil growing in my backyard. there are quite a few that will bloom soon but this is the first and stands alone in the midst of the thorns and mess. every morning i go to my kitchen window and look outside. there i see it smiling back at me, promising me that spring is indeed here. im looking forward to gardening and be outdoors. i also feel like this is going to be my first easter doing things on my own. making new traditions and experiences for elisha and our little family.

i went to the 700 club last night with the "girls" to go dancing. horray for dancing, horray for friends.

i went grocery shopping today with kate. we walked to the store a mile or so away. when we left a felt something very new. we had the stroller loaded up with groceries, a backpack full of them, and a few bags we filled to the brim. as we started for home, walking our groceries i had an image of home flash through my mind. i was reminded of all the mexican, low income families, that lived in santa maria that i would daily see carrying large bags of groceries down the street. i would have never thought i would look like that...i have always had a car and things of luxury. things like this that i never really appreciated, because i never knew what it was like to be without. so there i was walking the long walk home feeling completely exposed and very humbled. it was one of the most amazing feelings i have experienced. its hard to really explain it but i am thankful. i am so thankful. once again i find philadelphia teaching me so much about myself and bringing me to a place of nothingness.

i wish that it was always me making the effort. id like to have someone else come to me with something they had to take time to think about and plan out. i think im going to stop for a while. stop planning and thinking and putting my heart into so much...sometimes id like to have it go the other way. but ill leave that alone because i dont want to go any further.

im happy. im also reading rob bell's new book...and i like it. so if anyone wants to borrow it when im done id be more than happy to lend it out.

the day to day.

2007-03-22T09:27:00.000-05:00

elisha in maruke's clothes...a bit weird.

she is totally touching his butt

roommate

youre a stumbling block to america

2007-03-17T23:22:00.000-05:00

i just wrote so much and then deleted it.
nothing seems right.

it snowed this weekened. i got stuck in a house...luckily it was with people i love.

how did this happen?

spring flowers

2007-03-13T10:44:00.000-05:00

Everything is making Elisha cry right now. We are getting closer to 2 and the fits are showing it. God, give me patience. At the moment he is crying because I took a box of tissues away from him...his face is very pathetic.

I am currently listening to the Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack...so good.

I feel like I have been a very bad friend to California. I apologize for not calling. The first few weeks were very hard and I wanted to come back. That time of being still and having nothing to do is rapidly passing me by. I am finding myself busy and having less and less alone time. I need to make a point in my day to sit and read and take a breather. Its amazing to me how fast that happened. Last night was the first night in a week that I have gone to bed before 12. I have enjoyed all of the conversations and visits I have had late at night, I just need to learn when it is too much.

The weather has been amazing all weekend. Saturday Lois called me to ask if I wanted to go to the park with her or if I wanted her to take Elisha. I was so confused by what she was saying that I had to have it repeated 3 times. Eventually I realized she was offering to take Elisha for a few hours so I could have a break. It blew my mind. It wasn't just that she was going to babysit, it was that she thought about me. She cared enough about me to think, "oh Brandi hasn't gotten anytime away from Elisha since shes been here (in the day) why don't we take him with us for a few hours so she can have a break." I dont know if those were her thoughts exactly but it was probably the sweetest and kindest thing that has happened to me since being here. So, thanks so much Jesse and Lois. I am so glad that you are my friends and I love your family.

I hope I could do that one day. Take a second to think about somebody else other than myself and move on it. It is so easy for me to look at myself and feel pity. I know Lois gets tired being pregnant and having Maruke all day, I know she wants a break. I would like to care enough to consider these things when I am wondering what to do during the day. To offer to love her by serving her. To offer love to anyone by laying down what I would want to do, forgetting all of my needs and wants, and seeing what I could do for them. I think the only time I have ever loved anyone with my service is when I was trying to get them to fall in love with me. At least I can realize these things and make a change.

Saturday night I watched the Grace's kids. I am madly in love with Lily and Helena. They are probably some of the cutest and funniest girls I have ever seen. I had so much fun playing with them.

I went to NJ on sunday with Kate. She had to go "home" to do something for her old church and I decided to come along. It was beautiful day. The town was amazing. I loved the old brick homes and the trees that lined the streets on both sides. It was nice to be out in the suburbs...I guess since I am from them it just feels more like home to me. It was nice to walk down clean sidewalks, play in clean parks, and feel so safe and fuzzy. I would not want to live here but I am glad that I can from time to time step outside of the city to experience this.

I have been house sitting this weekend for the people I babysat for. They have an amazing house so it has been very fun to hang out there.

I was able to hang out with Ellen and Kate a bit this weekend (two housemates) and get to know them a bit more. I love them and am so glad that we live together. I was able to talk with them about Africa, Ellen is going there next year and Kate wants to go. It reminded me of the desire and heart that I too have for Africa. It reminded me that I want to go there and, that in moving here, I am that much closer to going. I have had some of the most amazing conversations with people this past week. I can feel myself feeling more at home. I am making new relationships that I am so excited about and treasure so much. All the things that I feared in the first few weeks are starting to disappear and my happiness is returning, Praise the Lord.

I realized last night I hadn't been spending alone time with God. I hadn't been reading or praying...I also realized I wasn't guarding my heart, just in little things, but I really need to keep my communication with God at the top of my priorities.

I miss you. I am so sorry that I haven't kept in touch. I feel like a horrible friend...and I plan on trying harder. I love you.

I dream a highway back to you

2007-03-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

some pictures from the last couple of days.
I changed this so many times that I had to at least do something. All I can say ...is I'm happy. So theres that. At the moment I am so tired and so cold and I cant seem to fix either problem.

Saturday we went to Rittenhouse and hung out downtown a bit.

a heart of flesh

2007-03-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

A beautiful day, an ugly morning. A tearful journey and I made it through. Its true that it was all one day...it seems like a week. Things are picking up. A walk downtown. So many new people. Ellen moved in. Guests over for dinner. So many new people. I left Elisha for the first time last night...Went to Sarah's party. I didn't want to go because I wouldn't know anyone...but how will I meet these people if I dont go. I actually knew most. I had more fun than I could have possibly imagined. Had girl circles and fell in love with the ladies. Was finally persuaded to dance...oh my goodness. I am at least glad that by the time the dancing hit its peak (for me)most people had left. Went to a bar with the girls and hung out there for a while. Came home and semi watched a movie. Daniel came over, kate got home, we ended up talking until 3 am. Breakfast this morning.

Elisha is quite in love with Daniel. I am constantly amazed at how good Elisha is at making people fall in love with him. Im glad that I dont get moved by men loving Elisha anymore. Maybe my heart is a little harder.. Im thankful for the people that come into our lives. That love him and help shape him into the beautiful boy he is. Everything will be just fine.

Talking with Daniel and Kate was so good last night. I related to so much of what he was saying and in his suffering had light shed on mine. Its so funny how that works out. Its just so good to know that there is Grace. To live fully present and realize that this, right now, is reality. The past is gone and tomorrow has yet to come. Lets just get through today.

sirens, raindrops, and thunder!

2007-03-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

i miss smiling like this though

i just watched the truth about cats and dogs with my roomies and I think we all screamed and closed our eyes at least 3 times. Its so gross, never watch it..

Anyways...I have a rash on my hands and just discovered its also on my arms and a bit on my face. What the heck!!!!!:?

I just swallowed bubble gum benydryl? and am going to vomit.

whats wrong with my skin?

its raining outside. i just heard my first philadelphia thunder...it was so powerful. the rain sounds like it did at the warehouse. every few seconds i hear the sound of car tires racing through the water. it will be a noisy night of sleeping...luckily elisha and i are both drugged with bubble gum

i have done so many of these stupid blogs tonight...and not because im bored, i had a fabulous day.

way too cute

2007-03-01T18:01:00.000-05:00

so there are a bunch of pictures of me because....Elisha took them! He has been obsessed with picutres lately so I sat him on the couch and showed him how to hold the camera and push the button. These are what came out...and a lot more of my legs only.

it looks like i wet my pants?

hot stuff.

these are so cute to me. Claudia gave him this tiger. He got up in his little rocker and sang to it and kissed it.

the zoo!

2007-03-01T17:22:00.000-05:00

I had so much fun at the zoo...I haven't been so excited to see all of the animals in a long time. I think we will go a lot now. Later we went to Lois's house and hung out. She told me about this program in the city that you become a member of and they give you fruit,veggies, local bread, meat, and much more during the seasons. Its really cheap and local and organic...I am so excited.

at the bottom of the picture you can see a brick wall...it was so close and we were totally afraid it was going to jump out and eat us!
<"

Elisha looks like a good lunch

there were so many walking around... Elisha is making the same face in every pictures...he was so tired.

my face looks fat

In the monkey house...Maruke and Lia loved the little monkeys. Elisha was too afraid of the Gorillas and refused to look at them.

life

2007-02-28T08:01:00.000-05:00

tChurch was good. I really enjoy Joshua's teaching. We went over the temptations that Christ went through in the desert. Sunday night was fun. Daniel, Brian, and Megan came over for a tea party. It was nice hanging out with people at the house.

I have been hanging out with Lois and Madeline more. I am so thankful that she is in our life. It's really nice to have someone else that has a baby and stays at home. I was at her house the other day and it reminded me of being at Eva's. That was an amazing feeling for me.

Elisha fell down the stairs yesterday...it was pretty scary. I have a wooden staircase so he very easily could have broken his neck. I dont think he was at the top, thankfully. He was trying to carry his "night night" blankets down the stairs with him (he now has 3). So after a little crying, more from mom, he was okay.

I walked to Lois's house yesterday and got semi lost on the streets. I had dinner at her house and decided that I really like textured vegetable protein. mmmm.

Had cell at danielles house. Sarah had Ian talk about a book he was reading and pretty excited about, "Wild at Heart." A christian book for guys, which I actually think I may read soon...I do have a son after all. Anyways it was pretty cool what he had to say, not only about the book but the things he paralleled to it. Sarah talked a bit about lent and this meditation book, I think I may start doing guided meditations in the morning. She read something from somewhere that I loved. "Instead of praying for a change of circumstance, pray for a change of heart." We talked quite a bit in cell and I am really glad that I go there. I love the people and the openness between them. I feel that God had been doing a lot in my heart this past week. I have minor, or major, breakdowns and freak out about living here. I get so upset that I left all my friends, upset that I have no job, upset that I have no life...and I get totally consumed by all of these negative thoughts and refuse to see the good in my situation. Then something happens... I talk about it with someone or God just kind of clears things up in my head. I don't want to resent this season. I want to be fully present in it and thankful for this time. To be glad about being home with Elisha and glad that I have time to sit still. I also realized I need to make the most of my time. It is very easy for me to sit at home and do nothing. I need to start making a conscious effort to meet with God. I also had a attitude check about how I was feeling with Elisha. I was starting to resent him for keeping me stuck in the house and getting annoyed at him for little things. But I now, thanks to a few friends and God, am able to cherish these moments with him. How fleeting they are and how precious this small amount of time is. I am so thankful for all of this. For the change and new season.

Jeremy, I met him at our cell, gave us a ride home. He is in the psalters and just moved to camden so didn't really know his way around philly, we also picked Jay but he was in the same boat at Jeremy. I also don't know my way around and Kate who just moved here didn't know either. All this to say I ended up getting us so very very lost trying to find my house. I have never felt so bad. I took them in a few circles, the opposite way, and back and forth through streets because they were all one ways going the wrong way. Eventually we got home...it was pretty ridiculous how long it took us. I think I need to start taking a map with me.

I met a man and couldn't say his name. I asked him twice to be sure it was real, for some reason it struck me by surprise. I had elisha say it and nearly cried. I hate when Elisha says it...just like I hated when he was calling it out earlier in the morning.

I drink at least 3 cups everyday.

People are always yelling outside.

Elisha is somehow cuter than he was in California. He gets older everyday and had such a funny personality.

I am working for a girl on friday.

I have had a few emails from people about being a nanny but they wer all kind of far away or have too many kids. I was about to settle and say that I would do them but I know it would just be because its hard for me to not have a job. To trust that God will provide something amazing for us. So I am trying to be patient, because I have until April, and am going to hand over the reins of control.

Winter Wonderland

2007-02-25T20:26:00.000-05:00

a magical moment

2007-02-24T22:22:00.000-05:00

one of my house mates had friends from out of town stay the night as well as a band...I love having people over and was fine with everyone staying the night. The thing that was not so fun was being woke up at 1 ,wrestling back to sleep, and having the worst dream of my life. It was a dream about....., probably the only person I dream about. It was actually more like a nightmare and the worse part was, when I was woken up at 4:30 am, I could still feel how I felt in the dream. It was like it had happened and all of the emotions were so tangible. Anyways I was able to semi distract myself from the dream by listening to how loud the guests downstairs, right under my room, were being...and also why they were awake at such an early hour. after much thinking, and being bothered by the dream and neighbors drum beats, i asked them to be quiet. when they finally awoke the next afternoon they were very friendly boys who I didn't hate nearly as much as in the night. I have been moving all of my energy into cooking lately...since im home all day anyways. Tonight I made meatloaf with honey butter carrots, tomorrow is chicken tortilla soup and at night we are having guests for tea and scones and whatever else I can find to make with pears (we have a lot from the dumpster). I have also been cleaning a lot and doing laundry...this pleases me a great deal but I still really need to talk to Eva. Im not quite happy or satisfied being home all day...uhhh.

I had a magical moment in my shower today. Jenna came over and watched Elisha while I took a shower...the sun was coming in the window and was right behind the shower head. We have a freestanding bathtub and the showe head is huge, it feels like rain is falling on you. There is a curtain all the way around you and only opens to let the water come down...I look up and the sun is streaming in around me and I feel like im somewhere else, somewhere beautiful and open and rain is pouring down...then the steam came and started to glow in the light. I felt like I was in a soap commerical. Melissa and I split up the week to take showers at this time. Horray!

i took pictures today and ill post them soon...

by the way...thanks.
i miss you and want to call everyday.

goodbye

2007-02-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

the wind goes whoosh, whooosh

2007-02-23T22:26:00.000-05:00

I wish I had my camera cable so I could post pictures of the places I visit during the days...

I will do my best to show you with words all the things I see and feel.

I was gone from the house all day again. I met Danielle and Olga at Martha's house and we then went for coffee. The coffee shop, they told me, was "close". In truth, it was very far away and one of the coldest days (at least that I have experienced). It was extremely windy and bone chilling. The coffee shop was great though, Lauren worked there and it was the first time I've seen her since moving. At some point this couple came in who feel in love with Elisha. They were so cute...probably in their 30's and bi-racial. The man, Chirstopher, was especially excited about how cute Elisha was. Elisha put on the most ridiculous show I have ever seen him pull off. He just kept giggling and starring up at them with his cute little eyelashes. He ended up sitting at their table with them and reading a magazine...so cute. We started talking to the couple and it turned out they too had just moved to philly. We talked for a while and then went to go have lunch. I had so much fun meeting them and hope that we run into each other again. I went to the mosque later to get dates...the door was closed so I was worried they were closed but when we opened the door it was like stepping into another world. Wonderful smells filled my nose and lungs and a dozen or more Muslim men were sitting a table eating lunch, it was def. the busiest I've seen the store in the Mosque. I need to make it a priority to visit there regularly and try to be a bit more brave in talking to the women, who are positivly beautiful and extremely friendly. I hung out at Lois' house the rest of the day while she worked on a new project inspired by our decorating searching on urban. Cut out birds that she is putting on the wall, im not sure if this sounds cute to you, but it is SO cute. I left her house a little late and ended up walking home, alone, during sunset and into the night. The ice cold wind was still blowing, we were extremely far, and I was so stressed out about being out at dark and worried about Elisha. We made it home safely...when I got on my street I found a young black man and older guy on the steps smoking a joint, I quickly walked by looking for my house numbers. I soon realized I passed my house...at this point the young man was walking past me saying whats up and asking if I was aight...I found that I missed my house because the two men were standing in front of it at the time and that the older man was my neighbor. I introduced myself to him and had a very funny conversation...I couldn't get my door unlocked so he helped and offered to put some crap in the lock to make it work better. Basically, I love this man. I kind of love every random person I got to meet today...which is one of the reasons I love Philadelphia.
I came home and made some pretty yummy vegetable lentil stew and oatmeal cookies...it felt so good to cook. We had a handful of guests to eat the food which made it all the better. I feel much better about the city today. I feel hopeful for my future here...and while it is harder in many ways it is good. I feel like im a new kind of single mom...I dont have a car, I dont have family or daycare, I am completely alone with Elisha. I am not yet comfortable enough with anyone to offer their services for babysitting...although I am sure I could. Anyways...I dont know why I write so much on here. I find it much more like a journal than a blog. I have an easier time writing my thoughts at when I am typing.

Good news...I was getting worried about not having a car or job. When I got home I had 3 emails from people about being a nanny for them. One of the families has a little boy and lives in the city, I would love to work for them so I hope this works out.

Tomorrow has plans already made...its funny how a few days in the house and I want to get out so badly. a few days out of the house and I want back in even worse. Oh the skill of being content.

I could never hate you

2007-02-22T21:13:00.000-05:00

I wrote quite a bit this morning but my computer died and it was erased.

Last night our church had an ash wednesday service to begin the new lent season that I am observing for the first time this year. It is a beautiful time of renewal and humility before God.

This morning I left my house alone for the first time. I walked to jenna's house, which was quite an adventure. It was quite a few blocks away, under an extremely sketchy bridge, and across the L (my least favorite spot). I learned later that the neighborhood I went into is actually very sketchy and that the walk was maybe not the wisest thing I could have done. Anyways, I made it safely and was very excited to see Jenna and the Cambria house, which is beautiful inside. Lois picked me up a bit later, thankfully, and we went to circle and her house. It was really a great day. I was starting to get a little sad in my house. Elisha was such a stud and kept kissing her little girl.
I am home now and just finished cleaing my kitchen and putting Elisha to bed. Home alone again. It seems I end up alone at night quite a bit. I got my box from fedex tonight...a blue book, red blanket, pair of blue sandals, and a handful of other things set me into a fit of tears. It was the first cry I have had about it since getting here. I am trying to not have a pity party about being stuck at home and not having very many friends. I am trying to not resent Elisha for keeping me in the house. I am learning how to sit in one place and be content.
I am learning.

I talked to a few friends from home today...I am also learning how to keep those relationships alive and well. It was pretty hard for me to talk to them. I felt very disconcected from them and I feel very disconnected from the people here. I wish I could call you and tell you and feel better, but there too must be a dis-connecting (if there is such a word). I felt so far away from them.
I feel very far away from me.

I love my new home. Naturally, it is taking a bit of time too adjust.

a home becomes a house

2007-02-20T16:36:00.000-05:00

so these are pictures of my bedroom. elisha's crib is on the right and my bed on the left...there is quite a large amount of space inbetween and beneath. As well as a walk in closet and a closet of shelves. It is a perfect bedroom...the other pictures is the view from one of my windows. My neighbors across the street have posted on the fence some no parking signs and at night they put up orange cones (that they most likely stole from the city) that say no parking and put them down the street. It confused me at first but our next door neighbor told me it was fine. I will post pictures of the house and what not later on...I dont have the cable or my camera so these were taken via cell phone. My house is coming together so nicely...last night we had people over for a mini house warming gathering. Today I cleaned the bathroom, washed the stairs with a rag, and melissa did the kitchen. I have never had so much fun cleaning a house as I do now, because its my home. There is something so fun about spending time and effort into a place you can call your own.

Brotherly Love

2007-02-18T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hello.
I made it! Friday afternoon, about 1/2 an hour before we left for the airport, Elisha came out of the hallway crying, gagging, with white powder in his mouh. I instantly knew what he had done, because he had been trying for weeks, he ate laundry detergent. I have no idea how much he had but shortly after he came we got him to drink water and he started throwing up. I was freaking out while my cousin assisted Elisha in his multiple throw ups. I talked to poison control who told me it probably tickled his throat causing him to gag...we both didn't think it had been long enough to burn his throat. So we got in the car to leave for philly but his voice was extremely raspy and he kept crying and clutching his throat saying it hurt. It was such a pathetic and scary sight that we decided to skip the airport and go to the urgent care. We got in right away and the doctor said his throat was swelling. They gave him three different shots, it was very sad, and called an ambulance. The main thing they were trying to figure out was if it was an allergic reaction or a chemical burn...the second being the worse. So the paramedics came and put E on a stretcher and we drove to the ER. Elisha hated the ambulance even with all of the efforts of the medics trying to entertain him with ballon gloves. The entire time he kept drooling in mass amounts and couldn't swallow. He kept crying but with this very low and raspy cry, so cute. When in the ER the doctor was surprised to see that his throat was still very swollen despite the large quantity of bendryl he was given...making it appear that it was a chemical burn. They gave him a breathing treatment, which he also hated so 3 of us had to lay on him to keep him still . He then got an iv, after being poked in both arms, and the succesful arm had to have a cast like bandage to keep him from tearing it out. He received a few more breathing treatments and which was something close to torture. Luckily he didnt get the alternative which would have been intivation. They would knock him out and put a tube down his throat. So we did all of the breathing nonsense for a few hours...he was in and out of sleep and finally around 11 he showed signs of healing. He started talking to me a bit, in a very hoarse voice, but it was a great improvement. He then got a popsicle but was very upset because he would chew and then it would run out of his mouth, he still couldn't swallow. Finally around midnight the doctor said the swelling was decreasing and that one of the shots he had gotten earlier would start to work. So we got home and made plans at 2 am to fly out. Elisha woke up completely healed. He voice was back to normal and he could swallow perfectly. We got to Philadelphia saturday night at 11 pm. I am now in my NEW bedroom, in my new house, on my new street, in my new city, in my new state. HORRAY! I love my house...it is really quite beautiful...as soon as i get a cable for my camera I will post pictures of everything. I went to ikea twice today, it is very fun. I love my new house mates, although ive only met two. So far all is going well. It snowed today but it really hasn't been as cold as I had imagined. I am glad that I am so busy getting everything together with the house and what not...its given me time to not concentrate on the fact that I actually LIVE here and when my mom leaves tomorrow I will be here all alone. Kind of scary. It is also helping me to not cry about missing you. It is so strange. I looked out the window of the plane as I saw my last glimpse of the ocean. I watched as I passed mountains, valleys, rivers, miles and miles of land. I thought about you and felt as close as before, despite the distance I have put between us. So I will have to wait for the second to take its effect. As much distance as I could manage and now I will wait as days, weeks, and months pass us by. Time and space, that is the remedy for a broken heart. It is cold in my house now so I am going to snuggle in my bed. Goodnight California, Goodnight Philadelphia.
I love you

a new adventure

2007-02-14T03:04:00.000-05:00

it still seems unreal to me.